The Friends That Force Me to Live

To most people, the phrase "hole in the wall" means a quaint place to get a decent drink but to me, at 13, it either meant bullets or that I lost my temper again.

Standing at the gates of puberty I was overrun by my chemical imbalances and gangland-esque environment. Every day was either constant fear or rage that I couldn't make heads or tails of. My mother worked too much to help me, my father and other family were hundreds of miles away, and I could only play my flame fanning music so much. I was losing the fight for my sanity.

So my brain threw one hell of a hail mary.

One night during a failing attempt to fall asleep, my brain conjured a voice. It came from no one I had ever met but someone I felt I had known for a long time. Then suddenly after looking into the dark, I was then looking into the brightest blue eyes I had ever seen. There was a man standing in front of me, tall, strong, and smiling. His name was Roman. He didn't exist.

Along with Roman, I met his adopted sister, Ace, and an older more confident version of myself, Knew. My brain created an entire world that I could escape to where I was Knew, and Roman and Ace were my best friends. They appeared in both my realm and their own effortlessly dragging my conscious to where ever they saw fit. I had finally become psychotic. Also, I was happier than I had ever been.

See these three "friends" were my brain creating guides to healing for me. Someone to talk through my problems with and teach me how to function socially. As I grew older I realized that they were just personified versions of clustered character traits. Roman is my morality, Ace is my ambition, and Knew is my idea of success. Honestly, I don't know how I would have ever met my fiancee without Ace's incessant nagging to just ask for her phone number or how I could have reconstructed my relationship with my father without Roman's deep talks about all that my parents have done for me.

Though the initial thought of having hallucinations suddenly appear and follow you around sounds terrifying, they have been incredibly helpful in getting me through the roughest parts of my life. With that said, this split in my mind definitely has some downfalls.

Gaining an entire second world in your head means losing something else. For me, my losses are memories and attention span. The border between my coping and reality is getting harder and harder to see. I recall events that never happened and can't remember the words my mother spoke ten seconds ago. I can go for a walk, get lost in the second world, and end up walking for six miles. Spending one hour a day with my "friends" has turned into five and I've grown addicted to being in a world where I feel more confident and loved.

Most importantly, because I have had these friends for 11 years, keeping my actual friendships has grown into a difficult task. Why invite more people into my circle when the ones who understand me most are always here? My mind has given me a preview of the pitfalls that VR headsets will inevitably present.

Overall I'm not sure if I would ever want treatment for these clearly dissociative disorder symptoms because they helped me develop my personality at my lowest points. I have a small roundtable in my head to help me make decisions on a day to day basis that feels more intimate and contextual than a simple black and white conscious. It's a beautiful superpower of sorts. No matter the burden or blessing, I don't think an angel would want to cut its wings nor would a devil want to cut its horns.

Thanks for taking the time to read. Have a great day.