The Freedom To Forgive

As a 35 year old woman, I sit here reflecting on my journey. I’d love to tell you that it has been one of sense, logic, and love; but that would be a lie. It’s been a freakin war! My longest war, with the most casualties has by far been the war on forgiveness. Forgiveness, oh forgiveness; I want you, but I hate you! It started off when I decided to conduct honest this "self-examination." I still ask myself why I do this, why can’t I just fall in love with ignorance?

Turns out there were squatters in my heart, we’re talking full blown squatters acting as feared dictators. They formed a ruthless coup against my original, free, open, and vulnerable self. Imagine Auschwitz. I know that seems dramatic, but these dictators made me subhuman, stripped me of everything humane. I wanted to fight, but how can one win against anger, pain, resentment and shame? Especially when they seem so close and ghostly, making the line between friend and foe so ambiguous. I was ignorant as these vicious dictators abusively ruled me. Would I forever have to ask “why does this always happen to me?”

Then one day after many lessons, right as the fist was coming for my face; for the first time I dodged it. This completely changed my line of vision; unfortunately what I then saw was terrifying. I saw that I had become comfortable with these dictators, I was having them over for dinner. I was feeding humiliation, anger, resentment and fear. Yes, I was part of the coup, I too was a squatter! This reality catapulted me over a wall of deep self-hatred. I slowly broke and crumbled, as I faced my complete self. It had the force of an atomic bomb, I felt as though everything good inside me died. I want so much to tell you the amount of courage it took not to turn away, not to revert and shrink back into ignorance; but there are no worthy words. It was the lowest dark moment I have ever known. All along I imprisoned myself? Can that really be right? Am I loyal to my suffering? Why was I providing these dictators with housing, food and ammunition? What the heck is going on? How did I not know this?!

At some point, I had to decide if I would kick them out and free myself. This isn’t so easy because we don’t always see the door. Or worse, there is no door! Filled with consternation, my insecurities were now emboldened to support the coup, viciously trying to secure the dictators position. Abusively shouting: If you free yourself will everyone know that it was you all along? Will that discount all the trauma that you experienced, even the suffering that wasn’t self inflicted?

You see, the road to freedom is not so clear, it’s packaged differently for everyone. What I have learned is we often stay captive to these dictators, not because we are scared of them. In fact, we know them, they are familiar to us and we even love having them over so we can feed them! It’s not fear of them, it’s fear of forgiveness. Why would we be afraid of forgiveness? Forgiveness tells us that we won, that we are ok. Forgiveness tells us to stop being shocked by the hit, because we got up a long time ago. This can be horrifying for someone who really wasn’t ok after a devastatingly hard blow. For example, take someone who was once disempowered by a predator. What happened to them was not ok, but they get to decide if and when they will be ok. Please don’t confuse my frankness for harsh naivety. This painful truth is why trauma is so horrific. We unknowingly carry on the legacy of whatever or whoever caused our trauma. We carry this legacy by replacing, “that wasn’t ok” with “I’m not ok.” We lay and wait, hoping that enough people see us on the ground; expecting that one of them will have the power to change our past.

Choosing the freedom to forgive is far from glamorous. It’s like pulling your heart out of a Vitamix that’s going full speed. Yeah, no one in their right mind wants to do that. But that’s the thing, to fight these dictators is to fight self. It goes against our every muscle fiber, neural pathway and even DNA to fight against self. It sucks and there will be blood. As you fight to win, you resort to street rules. Street rules? Exactly, there are no rules in a street fight. Pipes, rings, razors, biting, bats, you use whatever works. You must show no mercy, only compassion for your heart that is slowly fading. If you fight relentlessly, you will win. You can strip the dictators of power, and rebuild as a kind governor of your inner self. You will then love and respect yourself, because you fought for this person; they didn’t just passively “happen” into existence.

Forgive yourself first, for not knowing how to fight sooner. Forgive others, just let them go, don't give them anymore brain time. Stop housing them, take back your heart, no matter how torn up it is. You can heal it, you can save your heart, it still has a pulse. Fight for your freedom to forgive.