The Fight Inside

The screeching of the alarm clock pierces the stone cold silence of the early morning. As soon as I reach over to turn it off, my brain begins to start the battle of the day. The battle is always the same and always different. A so-called 'normal person' would be confused by that statement, but people with Bipolar Disorder understand very well. Part of me wants to get up, shower, eat breakfast and get ready to face the day. Another part of me wants to lay in bed and think about how awful my week was, and wonder if today will be more of the same. Should I just get up and do everything I can to have a wonderful and fulfilling day? Or should I just lay in bed all day with the curtains drawn, and not even give myself a chance to screw things up again?

Today I chose to stay in bed and think about how my week has been. At the beginning of the week I got my paycheck. I had been feeling down a few days before payday, so I decided to do something nice for myself. I got my nails done and I felt on top of the world! Since I was already in the mall, I bought some shoes for me and the kids. Then I remembered that one of my kids needed underwear, so I bought some for everyone in the house. Then I decided to buy everyone clothes. Then I remembered that the dog needs a new leash, so I bought him one. I have to treat everyone equally, so I had to buy something for the cat as well. I bought some gourmet cat treats. I felt so proud of myself. Buying all these things for my kids and pets made me feel like the best mom in the world! I was also gorgeous with my new nails and my outfit.

When I took a break from my shopping spree and looked at the time, I realized I had to get the kids from school. When I finally got home that afternoon, I was exhausted. I was too tired to cook dinner so we ordered take-out. Being a single mother of four kids makes it incredibly expensive to order food. But since I spent most of the day being such a great mother, I had to make sure my kids ended the day with a hearty meal. I wanted them to feel as great as I did, so I treated them to Red Lobster. The perfect day ended with me taking a shower (it had been 4 days since the last one) and falling asleep on my brand new luxury sheets. Best. Day. Ever.

When I woke up the next morning, I was still feeling pretty good. I was on my way home from taking the kids to school when the fuel light came on in my car. I didn't think too much of it as I casually pulled into the gas station. I grabbed my card and swiped it at the pump. It declined. I still didn't think it was a big deal. This happens sometimes. I went inside the gas station and told the cashier I needed $30 in gas, and my card declined again. I was extremely embarrassed as I walked back out to my car. I checked my banking app on my phone and I had $2.18 in my checking account. This can't be right. I just got paid yesterday! All of a sudden BOOM!! I remembered what I did yesterday. I went back into the store and sheepishly asked for $2.18 on pump 4 so I could make it home.

I went home and sobbed uncontrollably for about an hour. I was a terrible person, a horrible mother, and a complete failure. I didn't deserve anything good to ever happen to me again. The world would be better off without me. No, no, no. What am I saying? I have to be here for my kids. I promise I will do better next time. I have to. They depend on me. They need me. What would happen to them if I was gone? I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. What am I gonna do about the rent? What about the light bill, water, WiFi, car payment, insurance, food? I am so sick of asking my family members for help, but there was nothing else I could do. After a few uncomfortable conversations and boring lectures, I had what I needed.

That experience caused me to 'hibernate' for about a week. I didn't go anywhere, I ignored everyone's phone calls, I didn't care about hygiene, and my kids ate lots of sandwiches and frozen waffles. I guess I'm not that great of a mom after all. Every day is a struggle. But don't worry or feel sorry for me. It's not always like this. Last week I lost the fight, but next week I might win.