Psyche logo

The Enemy Of My Enemy Is Me, My Friend

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - Carl Jung

By AbrarPublished 3 years ago 5 min read
11
Shadow. Photo by Elti Meshau from Pexels

The One Who Stands In My Way

This weather is too cold. -9 degrees? I mean, come on. Like why would I want to go outside and get some fresh air right? It’s still the middle of a pandemic anyway, they want us to stay inside. I’ll stay in.

God why do I never have any money? I wish my parents were wealthy, at least half, or most, no wait - ALL my problems would go away. I wouldn’t have to work so much in a crappy job I don’t like. Not deal with any stress and anxiety. I’d be comfortable, better off. But instead, I have to join the 9-5 grind. Hurray!

On top of that, I have always had a hard time getting dates or finding a partner. It sucks to be alone. Not have anyone to share my life with. At times the sound of my own voice bothers me. God I am lonely.

Again, I must thank my wonderful family for all those years of shame and trauma that they have blessed me with. Now I have a hard time expressing myself or having any sort of confidence. My self-esteem is like an erectile dysfunction, both seem to have a hard time staying up.

I feel like I am hollow. Perhaps soulless. I have a broken personality. No one likes to be around me. Who would want to be with me? Who would want to be me?

Disillusion. Photo by Nothing Ahead from Pexels

I don’t usually sleep very well and find it difficult to get out of bed. Often I sleep-in through the morning, sometimes the afternoon just to get through the day quicker.

I feel comfortable at night, when everyone else is asleep and I am the only one wide awake. It helps me do what I need to do, without any distraction. But even then I find my thoughts troubling me. Painting a picture of my life that is anything but pretty.

I have a few people I call friends that I talk to and share some of these thoughts with. They hear me but think I am crazy or something. They keep suggesting that I seek help, but what help? Help is not what I need. My pain is not the kind of pain for which the solution is medication and pills. Nobody gets it. They don't understand what it’s like, to be me.

The Other

Awakening. Photo by Luis Quintero from Pexels

That used to be me. Strange as it may seem, almost like a distant past. I do not laugh or cry, when I look back at how things were or how I used to be. Rather, I try to find empathy in recognizing that this may be the state of many; thousands of others, maybe millions.

It wasn’t like one day I woke up and everything just changed. It was rather a series of realizations. Of what I was doing wrong, the way I was seeing things. How could I blame circumstances, or anyone else, for the state of my life?

I slowly began to see how my own perception had such a huge influence on the quality of my life. How with a little more courage and responsibility, quite intuitively the way became more and more simple. As the saying goes, doors started opening where before there were only walls. Shoutout to Joseph Campbell.

"Doors started opening where before there were only walls."

Life is beautiful. The moment I realized this and the fact that I am lucky to be alive is when everything began to look different. I changed because I had to. I am a survivor, a warrior. But most importantly, I am human.

I wanted to live and fight for my dreams. The thought of living a life not having even tried, laying on my deathbed and looking back with regret, really scared the shit out of me. I understood why I needed to be strong and determined, how to use my fears as fuel for my fire.

Gratitude. Photo by Tomé Louro from Pexels

I rise with the sun every day with newfound appreciation, some ideas and a feeling of possibility. I have a gift, that gift is my life. Who I am is how I express myself. What I’ve learned from my experiences, is what I have to share with the world.

I am grateful. I thank my mother and my father, for bringing me into this planet. For letting me experience the thrill and the wild ride of this journey that we call life.

I no longer look at people and feel jealousy or envy, for what they possess, and I do not. The fact is - everything I need, I already have.

I no longer see obstacles, I see possibilities. A challenge brings with it an opportunity. I am grateful that I have work, a job that pays my bills and feeds me. I no longer feel stuck, in one place or in life.

I am the captain of my ship. The driver behind the wheel, passing through many roads. Some narrow and long, some short and wide, with countless turns and intersections. I welcome them all. I live for it. I now know I have the freedom to write my chapters and dictate my journey, to choose what I want to do and who I want to be. If and only if I can find it in myself.

Rebirth. Photo by Elton John from Pexels

I realize after all this time just who the enemy really was. It wasn’t my family, nor my friends, not my school, or my job. Neither was it the government, or some crazy ex-girlfriend. Nothing that's actually out there.

In fact, it is I, who has always been this villain in my own story.

The part of me that never had faith, nor believed in himself. The unconscious aspects that were in denial and convinced of self-made lies. Unable to find the strength or courage, out there nor within. The one who still lives inside me, like an old friend. A distant companion.

The one who fancies a dance with the devil and lurks in the shadows. The one who is afraid of the light, but feels right at home in the dark. The one, the only enemy that stands in my way.

humanity
11

About the Creator

Abrar

Truth is stranger than fiction.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.