The Diagnosis

Getting officially diagnosed with OCD after living with it my entire life has been an experience. Part of me feels relieved like there is a reason finally for why I am the way that I am. Then there is the part of me that no longer trusts any thought that come into my brain. The form of OCD that I have is unfortunately not the one where everything around me is clean all the time. The form that I live with and have lived with all of my life is mainly defined by constant internal rumination.

I live with certain compulsions, being in public is near to impossible for me. As for the life of a writer, this is sometimes a benefit but most of the time I hate it. I was told most of my life that I simply had anxiety and it was just something that I had to work on. This is not anxiety. The way that my thoughts go through my brain can bring me to tears at night when all I want to do is sleep. I would give just about anything in the world for my brain to stop for just a few seconds.

I find myself thinking back to my childhood and how my life would have been if I had grown up in a family that valued mental health. Would have I done better in school on the right medication where I wasn't constantly ruminating on what other people were doing and thinking. If someone told me that a bun looked nice in my hair, I wore a bun in my hair for the next 10 years. When someone complimented a bandana, I wore one for two years. This all seems so unimportant to anyone looking at it from the outside in. For me, it was everything.

OCD is considered one of the most dehabilitating diseases that there is. In today's world of mental health and wait lists to see a psychologist, I am still waiting on actually getting on the right medication for it. I know the medication will not cure the rumination and neither will the exposure therapy that I am currently going through.

I am so much more aware of what is a rumination and what is a rational thought. It is still hard to trust any thoughts that I have. Not being able to trust your thoughts is something that is hard to put into words. It feels like there is a demon inside of my head trying to convince me of things that I would never otherwise believe are true.

I am in a constant battle with this demon. I try to journal down everything my brain is thinking so that I can get to the root source of whatever fear I am having. Food is one of the worst causes of my OCD thoughts. It takes a lot for me to eat anything. When I do eat, my fear of the food or something being wrong with it often makes me physically ill. There are times I cannot physically eat at all for days.

I am working with a therapist. I am journaling and working to be as self aware as I can be. I am grateful for the diagnosis, late in life as it may be. It has given me a much needed way to reflect on my life while I try not to get too stuck on that reflection.

One of my worst compulsions has to do with all or nothing. That is the easiest way I can think to describe it. If I can't do something completely my brain will stop me from doing it at all. This is especially hard for me when it comes to cleaning. I cannot just go into a room and clean it. I have to scrub every ounce of it down to the bone. If I can't do that or don't have the time to do that, then I am frozen and I cannot do anything at all.

Life with OCD is not impossible but it feels that way every single second. Right now I am just trying to stick with very small goals. I am trying to trust my therapist and hope for little wins every single day.