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The Depths of My Mind

by Sean Checkley 3 years ago in depression
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I feel like I can't breathe.

I'm walking into the water, I've gathered my rocks and placed them in my backpack. I feel the cold water grasp at my shortened breathe as I fully submerge myself under. Moving out into more open water so that I'm out of my depth, I start to struggle under the weight of the rocks which start to jostle against each other and pull me down into the darkness below. I'm beginning to get tired I can't keep fighting this...

I wake up at this point, thinking that felt so real to me like I was actually drowning. This is the part of my depression that scares me it keeps me up at night. It makes me feel ashamed of myself wanting to end it like that, leaving my loved ones behind just so that I can end the pain and misery. Why does my mind keep on bringing back this train of thought? It's like my mind allows myself to feel confident one second and then pulls me back down to the depths of my mind. So much that it takes days for me to get out of bed again.

The thought of ending it all weighs deeply on my mind, it affects my self-confidence, my weight, my motivation, my joys of life. It's also very isolating, I've isolated myself away out of sheer shame of my thoughts of killing myself. It's not like I want to do it its just there at the back of my mind a constant shameful reminder. Its also had an effect on my educational and working life I've dropped out of two universities due to depression. As for working life, well, its been almost three years since I've last had a job its crippling me.

The negative impact this has had on my life is a constant smack in the face. It brings me self-doubt making me feel less than, cautious with new beginnings, and less of a human and more of a shell. A shell that is hollow and fragile to the negative comments of others and to rejection. This is due to being unemployed for so long that I have become somewhat rather fragile to being rejected. When a rejection letter came to me I retreat from the world and absorb myself in a dark black place. Seeking comfort from foods that are unhealthy and overindulging. Eating comfort foods only bring joy for a while and then its gone again.

For me, mental health doesn’t just affect the brain but effects the whole body in different ways. Seeking comfort from food fleeting as it is has a lasting effect on you with weight gain. And for some people, they find comfort from other things such as drink and drugs. But for me, I would never go down that road as I’ve seen the effects its had on people. The town that I’ve grown has had this problem since I can remember. These comforts that people find have all the same things in common, and that is they don’t last forever and can have a huge lasting effect on your body. It just brings self-loathing and disgust with your self and can alienate you from the people you love. And not because they don’t want to be around you, it's just that you don’t want them to see you struggle with life.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this for the public to see. I think it may be because I want to see if anyone else as these thoughts and that I'm not alone. I mean these thoughts don't come every day, but when it's the day that when they do, it really is like I can't breathe.


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Sean Checkley

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