The Depression No One Talks About

In our society, I often see depression portrayed as "extreme sadness" or people who attempt to end their own lives. I know that there are people who reach that low and find that their will to climb the ladder of happiness is wasting away. Some people have the ability to overcome it, if they are given the resources (enough money, enough time, love, etc). And then, some people are too good at playing pretend.

I've had depression for years...and years. It isn't something I am good at explaining since it is so normal for me, but I will do my best. The question I always ask when I think about climbing the ladder:

"Who am I without it?"

There are different types of depression, and different people experience their symptoms differently. I am "stuck between a rock and a hard place" in my mind.

My depression is cynical, torturing, and apathetic. I have never been one to self harm physically, as I never wanted attention to come to myself. Instead, it was much easier to self harm mentally.

I am my own bully.

I'm not talking about the typical "oh you're so fat" while staring into the mirror with a tape measure... or the "you have acne, you're so ugly" while scrubbing my face raw with a mesh pouf, then rubbing hydrogen peroxide all over it.

I am talking about conditioning emotional control where I would, over the course of years, condition emotional responses to certain situations because that was easier than letting my emotions run free. I was feeling it, but it wasn't natural. I am talking about gaslighting your own self, convincing yourself that you've GOT to be a robot from the future undergoing a simulation of some kind and that in July, you'll die somehow and wake up there...somehow...it never happened, of course.

I am talking about putting myself in bad situations because I think it's "funny." I think that's funny; the depression where, in order to cope with the darkness, you bask in it. Instead of giving up, or finding a way out... instead, you learn to enjoy the suffering. How can I give it up? Providing a different state of mind, allowing myself the emotional control others could only hope for, being able to retreat into my mind like a turtle. I don't know. I have convinced myself there is no hope so that I don't look for it.

You would probably ask, "but do you want to die?" to which I would say, "of course I do." If I saw the chance, I'd step toward it gleefully. I don't think anyone doesn't, at some point, want to die... but I am very, very patient.

I can wait.