The Demon and Angel Raging Inside of Me

I have been searching for the key, the one that will fit my psyche, to stop this daydream, no nightmare, even just for a moment. To feel content in one place, to feel human connection, to end the search for the ever out-of-reach truth, to stop restraining the demon and angel that rage inside of me.

I named the demon in an attempt to distinguish between me and it. But this only made it more real and now the voices in my head are no longer my own.

Split in Two

I was born on May 22 in a double digit year. My name, Hannah, contains not only two of every letter, but is also a palindrome. Split it down the center and it is exactly the same on both sides. I am not sure I could be more of a Gemini, if I tried.

Long before I knew what a Gemini was, I played the double spy as a kid. During capture the flag, I would convince the opposing team that I could be their spy by providing them with information about my team. I was persuasive enough to be trusted and smart enough not to get caught. As a result, I was able to run freely between both sides.

However, I recall one time, pausing, to wonder which side I truly belonged to. Where did I want to belong? Would my team notice if I didn't come back? Did the other team understand my sacrifice? I felt alone and even I was confused—I had lost myself in the game. This would not be the last time. Though this time, I convinced myself that it was okay—I was on both teams, equally giving myself to each. Impossible for nearly all, except the Zodiac sign, already split in two.

Double the Fun or Double the Trouble?

As my part of my research (because a Gemini can never have enough information), I read a Cosmopolitan article by Kerry Ward, Gemini traits and personality explained, to establish my viewpoint on Zodiacs, and like clockwork, my viewpoint changed nearly a dozen times.

Ward, a Gemini herself, broke down the archetypal Gemini personality into ten traits. A Gemini is versatile, but their depth is superficial. They are smart, but their knowledge of empathy will not make up for their ruthless behavior. They are youthful, but everyone (except the immature Gemini) must grow-up at some point. They do everything in one speed: fast. But fasten your seatbelt, because no one said it was not going to be erratic. Every Gemini is curious, always looking for more information, but be cautious of the two-faced gossip hound. It has a nasty bite.

To sum up the Gemini, Ward writes,

They are super-fast, super-smart, super-adaptable and super-curious people. All of this super-ness makes them fascinating to be around, albeit usually only for short spells because they can a) wear you out, b) get easily distracted elsewhere and before you know it, they’re off.

You Have Me All Figured Out

I originally found Ward's article a bit harsh. Why can’t a Gemini just be good? Why does there have to be a negative trait attached to every positive trait? Wishful thinking…if you are lucky (or unlucky) enough to know a Gemini, you will know this is not possible. It is hard to keep up with a Gemini—try and you’ll wear yourself out, don’t try and we’ll naturally wander away. We are a conundrum, an enigma, a puzzle with everchanging pieces.

Think you can explain a Gemini in 2,000 words or less. Think again. We can't even define ourselves. I started a half dozen draft articles on this topic and every single one of them contradict each other. How could you have figured me out when I can't even figure myself out? There's "two" many of us.

Until I find the key, or more likely, a hidden piece of knowledge, to stop this nightmare, no daydream, the demon and angel will continue to rage inside of me.

If you enjoyed this article, please take a moment to let me know by liking it or leave a tip. Below is a visual representation of what my head looked like trying to write it.

References

Ward, Kerry. (2021, February 08). Gemini traits and personality explained. Retrieved March 03, 2021, from https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/entertainment/horoscopes-monthly/a27254701/gemini-traits/