The Darkness

I could no longer remember how old I was when the darkness overtook me. That’s what I call it, at least – the darkness. I think it’s some kind of parasite, feeding on everything dark in me.

It came like a great, black cloud that enveloped me and overtook my consciousness. I was still in control, but only to a point. Think of the most persistent backseat driver you can imagine, then multiply it by ten – that’s what the darkness is like, but instead of a car, it’s me.

I resisted at first. It’s easy to resist anything in the beginning. But when you have that backseat driver whispering in your ear for years on end, it becomes harder to resist. So, I started listening. Just this once, I told myself, just to shut it up. But I made it worse. Now I can’t stop listening to it. No matter how hard I try, I can’t tune it out.

“There’s no point in talking to them,” it whispered. It had taken on my voice some time ago – just one of the tactics it had enlisted to ensure I couldn’t block it out. It was hard for me to think of it as a parasite, anymore – now it was just a part of me. “They don’t want to hear what you have to say.”

I looked down at my food. It was probably right.

“Of course I’m right.”

I could feel myself being sucked into my mind. It wanted to talk. And as no one outside of myself wanted anything to do with me, I couldn’t come up with a good enough reason not to indulge it. So, I blocked out the world around me and slipped into my mind.

I wasn’t sure if I had come up with this imaginary place I always visualized on my own, as a way to make sense of my conversations with the darkness, or if it was its doing. Either way, it always looked the same. It was a blank, square room with the walls, floor, and ceiling all the same color of grey. It was like the color of concrete, only it wasn’t concrete – I wasn’t sure what the material was, only that it had no texture to it. There was nothing in the room, aside from myself and the black form hovering in front of me.

I had thought of it as a cloud at first, but that wasn’t really accurate. A cloud suggested a wispy quality, but there was nothing wispy about it. There was no good word to describe it. Just like the rest of the room, it had no texture. It didn’t look gaseous, or solid either – really the state that it looked most akin to was liquid, but I got the sense that if I reached out and touched it, there would be no moisture to it. It had no features, but I knew that it was somehow capable of sight, hearing, and speech. It swirled in front of me, able to take on any shape it wished, but generally settling for an undefined mass.

“Why do you put yourself through this?” it asked in my voice. “You know none of them want you around.”

“They invited me to sit with them,” I said hesitantly.

“They felt obligated to. If they wanted you around, they’d talk to you. But they’re all engaged in their own conversations, aren’t they?”

“Yes,” I muttered, looking down at the floor.

“You shouldn’t have accepted their invitation. You shouldn’t be sitting with them. You know that there’s no point in trying – no one wants you around.”

A tear ran down my cheek. “Maybe I can…”

“You’ve tried everything. You’ve tried to fit in. You can’t. What value do you add to anyone’s life?”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to hear any more about how useless I was, how pathetic. I didn’t want to hear how the world was better off without me. I didn’t want to hear anything.

I yanked myself sharply back to reality. It was slightly disorienting, but I didn’t let that slow me as I gathered my things and got to my feet. I ignored the questions as I strode purposefully out of the cafeteria. I didn’t stop walking until I came to the precipice overlooking the lake.

I had come here before. I had always been afraid of getting too close to the ledge, but now I walked right up to it. The wind washed over my body as I watched the waves crash beneath me. Adrenaline pumped through my body as I shuffled still further forward, the toes of my shoes slipping off the ground to hover over only air.

“Is this what you want?” I shouted out to the world.

“It’s what you want,” the darkness answered me, pulling me back into my mind for one last farewell.

“I just want it all to end,” I admitted.

“This will end it.”

“But…” Now that I was here, other thoughts began swirling in my head. Thoughts that the darkness tried to reach out for, to twist for its own means. But it couldn’t get to all of them. I shook my head. “What about my family?”

“They’ll be better off without you. Just jump. End your suffering.” It’s voice never changed, but I noticed something about it that I had never noticed before. Yes, it was my voice, but it was twisted, as though my voice had been mixed with how I imagined a poisonous gas would sound.

This thing was not who I was. It was a parasite – one with the sole purpose of destroying its host. And it was about to have its victory.

“Why did you attach yourself to me?” I suddenly asked.

“Because you were weak.”

I shook my head. “I don’t believe you.”

“Do you think you’re strong?” it scoffed at me. “Look at where you are right now. You don’t have an ounce of strength in you.”

“I think you can’t survive on your own – you need a host to sustain you. You wouldn’t have attached yourself to me if I were weak, because that would mean you’d have a short life. You needed a strong host – one that you could feed on gradually until your inevitable last meal. I was wrong about you. You don’t feed on darkness, you feed on light – leaving me in nothing but darkness.”

“Does any of that matter, though? Maybe you were strong in the beginning, but that strength is all gone now.”

“Is it? The way I see it, you rely on me. So, which of us is really the stronger one?”

“You’ve been a slave to me for years now. I think the answer is clear.”

“Let’s test it, then. I now know that everything you say has no meaning. So, take your best shot. And I’ll take mine.”

The shape before me seemed to grow, rage emanating off of it as it filled the entire room. I was terrified, but I refused to let it show.

“You mean nothing to the world.” Its voice echoed in my head, now even more distorted than it had been before.

“Maybe,” I allowed. “But you are nothing.”

The darkness rushed at me, overtaking me so that I could no longer see anything. And I fell.

My breath left me in a huff as my back hit the ground. I took a moment to calm my breathing, then pushed myself up to a sitting position to look at the edge of the cliff, a couple feet from where I had landed.

I felt… different. It took me a little bit to come to grips with the sensation that I hadn’t felt in years. My mind was completely my own. I was free.

That didn’t mean that I felt completely better, that there weren’t still traces of darkness inside me, but it would be easier to combat them without the actual entity taking up residence in my mind. It would still take time to recover completely, but for the first time in I could not even remember how long, I felt hope.