The Curious Case of Not Wanting Unconditional Love

I just spent the last hour and a half crying to my mother for reasons she doesn't even know. She just assumed it was my severe depression acting up again like some rash flaring up. But I realized something, it didn't feel good. It felt upsetting. it honestly made me angry knowing that I had her unconditional love. The caring words she said only made me angrier. It's when I come to realize, in an over-psycho-analyzing way that don't want love, at least just simply handed to me. I may be grateful for it, somewhat, but I just can't shake the feeling for me that love shouldn't just be there.

Bizarre? I know, I'm very much aware.

Now if anything you're probably thinking I could just be a jerk or some sociopath, maybe even evil. Evil in a sense that "oh are you gonna treat your kids the same way, with no unconditional love? Will you only give your kids and friends love only when they earn it from you, and treat them like dirt when they mess up?" Well for one, I'm ugly as sin, so I doubt I could ever have kids, even when I dearly wish for kids. But I have thought about it, and I know deep down I couldn't treat my kids the same way I treat myself. I WILL love them with all my heart unconditionally as best I can. I dream of the day I have kids, my worst nightmares come from seeing them hurt, and my best dreams stem from seeing them happy.

It's okay if you don't believe me

Back onto my dislike of unconditional love. I think through psycho-analyzation of myself, a stupid way of saying "I have a hunch" that my whole life has believed that love should be earned and never given. Whenever I had loving friends and family show such unconditional love, it didn't right. Part of it feeling like the love felt fake, but mainly it felt just plain wrong to be given love. The love felt right when I got As on my tests, when I went to college to better myself, when I did well at work and got my minimum wage paychecks and any other petty and miniscule achievements

What felt even more right was a lack of love, a feeling of disappointment, anger, and shame when given from peers, family, parents, and teachers. When I got Ds and Fs in school, my mom would scold me for hours on end. The worst she would do was slap me across the face, and she's only done that a handful of times. I'll tell you this though, such punishments were well deserved, and it felt completely right when punishments were served. It sure as hell felt more right that it would receiving love for such mistakes and follies. I equate getting love for nothing to getting a trophy for a sport you don't even watch. I just can't shake the belief that love is something to be earned, whether it be from parents or loved ones or spouses, and can be taken away when one makes one too many mistakes.

All this could just be paranoia and I'm just a crazy fool. A total jackass at best, and you're certainly not wrong in thinking that. After all the reason why I was crying my eyes out and spend the course of the past two days moping about and punching furniture was my fault in the first place. I've been battling a gambling addiction ever since the day I turned twenty one and earlier in the week I lost another 1500 dollars of my meager funds through online blackjack. I didn't... couldn't tell my mom this. She might kick me out of the house once she finds out. She's threatened to do it before and I don't blame her. Kind of wish she'd do it already just so I can live as a bum like I truly deserve. All those other times I've blown paychecks at the blackjack table and she found out, she wasn't giving me unconditional love that's for damn sure, and it felt the most right. It felt like how it should be for me, and for me alone. Everyone in the whole wide world, unless they are truly monsters of evil, deserves unconditional love, even when they screw up, I firmly believe that. It's just not for me.

And sorry for taking up so much of your time - I just need to vent my sadness out for a while. Thank you for reading.