The Codependent Life

Let's talk about Codependency vs. Interdependency. Codependency in a relationship looks like one partner providing full support and fulfillment of needs for the other while in an interdependent relationship, both partners are able to meet each other’s and their own needs equally. There's a few more key differences, but we will get in to that in a minute. I want to start with this aspect because it is one that stands out the most to me. I've always sought a relationship that would be 50/50 in all aspects. I dreamt of meeting someone who would meet me in the middle while also understanding and loving who I was. I'm so lucky to have found that finally in a partner but for many years I sought relationships that were unhealthy for reasons I wasn't sure of until recently.

About a year ago, I went to a training for work and its subject matter was interdependent leadership and how to move from being codependent or independent to interdependent. All well and good and the training was amazing and brought me to tears more than once, but I wasn’t yet ready to take that first step. It did get me thinking though and of course I fell straight into the interdependent category, so I did my research and here’s what I learned.

Codependency

A codependent person is dependent on the love of others, especially in their relationships, and base their feelings and worth upon how others perceive them. They put their needs on the shoulders of their partner and expect them to be met. Instead of basing thought and actions upon one’s feelings, they put others first in order to loved. These types of relationships are usually seen as ones that need saved or fixed. In other words, the person who is codependent is not true to themselves and seeks value through the love of others. Codependent relationships are usually unhealthy and the person will often get lost this, losing interest in activities, “enmeshing” with their partner’s personality, and neither person can function as a whole individual.

Interdependency

This looks more like “I love me and then I love you.” Both partners are able emotionally accountable and allow space for each other’s feelings. These types of relationships have mutually met needs, as in both partners meet the other’s needs as well as their own. Communication is open in interdependency and are relationships of healing and growth, together. There is a knowing of one’s feelings and emotions and being true to them as well as allowing your partner to do the same. You can be your own person and not get lost in trying to be what you think the other person wants or needs.

The good news is, I can now recognize the pattern I was in and thank my lucky stars I am not there anymore. It’s not easy to recognize your patterns and then break them, and it takes time and patience to overcome them. I also know that I am not alone and the patterns I was stuck in were not completely my fault. During one of my many FB scrolling sessions, I came across a post from “The Holistic Psychologist” that talked about codependency and how it is something that is started in childhood when boundaries were not clear and were continually crossed. She goes on to explain that it puts the mind in a state of “hypervigilance” and among many other things, codependency forms causing us to seek worth through others. It is common for the phrase “If you’re ok, I’m ok” and it is scary to me how true that is when I look at my life. Constantly basing my feelings and actions on those around me instead of following my own.

If you find yourself in the interdependent category, well done! Seriously. I find it to be a daily struggle to maintain the lifestyle and most often times I fall short when I need it the most. I want more than anything to be seen as strong and not weak or stupid as I have begin to feel over the past few years. I’m hoping that the more I learn and share the more I will continue to see and understand. I plan to develop new patterns and learn healthy behaviors, but I know that this will take work and dedication. I hope anyone else out there struggling in the codependent category understands that there is hope and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It starts with you recognizing where you are and taking that first step. Don’t be afraid of change. One of my favorite quotes, “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” I saw it in the movie “Atomic Blonde” in a club scene and I’ve never forgotten it. How true it is. How much I’ve seen the more I’ve let go of my fears. The more I see that I am truly capable of. I hope you’ll join me and do the same.