The cherry on top

If you have kept up with my blogs thus far then you will know i have a condition called endometriosis. What you may not know is i also have fibromyalgia. I have had it for years and its pretty bad. So both of these conditions put together is kind of a bitch. They both involve chronic pain and chronic fatigue and are both incurable and just managed. So its hard some days to try to be positive and try to be hopeful for the future. When your in so much pain all over your body and emotionally damaged as well "bad days" can be pretty dark. Right now with therapy and medications im in an okay place. I dont want to say a good place because im still struggling quite a bit with everything. Happily though i can also say that im better off today than say two years ago. I try to hold on to my wins even if there small ones. Its so easy to tell yourself how awful you are or how unworthy you are. Its so easy to talk badly about youself and to give up on trying. I know this because ive been giving up for a really long time. I dont want to give up anymore. So those tiny wins help me fight and move forward. Im apprehensive about looking toward the future but for once, im letting myself daydream. Im allowing myself to get my hopes up here and there. That’s huge for me because baseline me is a defeatist with an addictive personality and no self-control. After i turned 30 something just clicked in my head and made me want more. Made me want better. I want to own my own home even if its a shanty with no doors at least it would be mine and i earned it. I want a career and have pride in what i do for a living. Im SO sick of going from one dead end meaningless job to the next. I don’t want to just live to pay bills. I want to have hobbies and have cool experiences with my kids. I want my kids to be happy and know they can trust me and count on me. I don’t want to be sick mean sad mom anymore. I have a theory that every person has a flame or a drive in them to do something or be someone and along the path of life sometimes that flame just dies. My flame was stomped on and put-out years ago because of I’ve been numb for so long. Recently though i can feel the littlest bit of ember coming back and im really excited about it. I know everything in life is baby steps but you have to want to take those steps and until now I didn’t want too. With all things considered i could barely muster up enough motivation to go the bathroom much less give a shit about life. I guess all in all what im trying to say is living through abuse and dealing with everything that comes after is hard enough all by itself but to also live with these awful conditions, makes it close to impossible for me to want to care about myself and what my future could look like. I’m blessed enough to have someone who loves me and supports me and is a daily reminder that i matter but i know how many of us don’t have that support. It kills me to know how many people are living through this life alone trying to navigate through depression anxiety, fear and hatred. This is why i do what i do. This is why no matter how much i hurt no matter how much i want to stay in bed and quit, i still get up and check all my platforms because every day is a new day that maybe I can make one person less lonely. Maybe save someone from having to feel the way I do.