The C WORD

Watch me ,,,, As I fall to my knees, looking up at the sky asking why me? As the news is not good, we all look at each other in pure shock, trying to cut the tension, by telling a joke as if that makes our live now easier to deal with,

Watch me……..As I turn to you with a blank stare

While the tears build up behind my eyes, knowing I can't do anything, but help you while i watch you die,

Watch me fall to the ground, while my body slowly curl up into a ball,my mind is mixed up on everything after you leave this place, But pretend to be all there, Losing all desire to be in my body, walking around like a dead zombie, all this is comes at me to fast, realization that you won't be coming back, you won't be walking threw the door after 5pm, You won't be rocking in rocking chairs on the wrap around porch at the dream house, we planned on when we get old and retire.Figuring how i will tell our grandchildren funny things trying to convince myself that you are in a better place, and that you are not in pain. I wanted to spend each day with you, as if it was first day I met you, Remembering the day I watched you, trying to not lead on that I was curious about you, I didn't want anyone, I knew that you were staring at me too, I would look up and see you stare, I would quickly turn my head and act like i didn't notice, 28 years I have been with you threw very life event, I was sad when i found out that you were sick, I wanted to scream and throw myself on the floor, I then went into a dream state, I was living thru someone else's eyes only they were my eyes and body, holding my head up and keeping my heart from falling out of my chest and braking into a million pieces on the floor, I didn't want to do anything but spend the time with you , I was walking on eggshells not knowing what to expect next, At night when the world was sleeping, I would look out and tell myself to wake up and finish the story, I would cry but no tear, I would scream but no one could hear, I lay next to you as you sleep, hearing each breathe it makes me not sleep, Tired is not a choice for me, I'm living for you and forget about me, I have only today cause who knows what tomorrow will bring, images inside my mind,

The monster inside of you has taken over your body, while your mind is still strong, The monster has control, and I can't win , I cant fight with all my might, I look at you and see someone who was strong and stubborn,now i see the image of you

Sick and tired, fighting a losing battle that we cant win, No one is a winner in this game,

I stood by you when you were healthy,

I laid next to you and rubbed your head, as you slept, Wondering what was going on in your mind.

Telling myself that I can do this...but in all reality I felt like I had been cursed, Thinking what did i do to deserve this, Why us why me why him. I sometimes think it would have been easier if he died in a car crash, sudden and quick, I had noone to help me threw this, just judgements and denial .

Was scared to be left alone, to have to carry on without you, 28 years was a long time to share a lifetime with, So far i have had a mixture of good days and bad days, It doesn't even seem like it was me who went threw all that, I guess I can say that i'll see you again one day, and boy i have a lot to tell you …..