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The Breakup that Finally Made Me Get Help

This is the Year I Confront My Mental Health Issues

By Nessy WriterPublished 3 years ago 12 min read
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I'll start by saying that this was not an easy article for me to write and it took me some time to work up the courage. In the end I felt like the struggles I am facing should be talked about, because it's a story many might relate to in secret. Maybe by sharing my own journey and showcasing my demons, I can inspire those who need it, to confront their own mental health issues too. This article is about a fresh start, something accessible to us all and something that comes first from looking inwards.

"It's never too late to be what you might have been." George Eliot.

Most New Year's resolutions are ones we happily announce to coworkers, family and friends, usually without putting any great thought into achieving them or failing to achieve them. We are riding the high of optimism. A New Year leading us to believe we could forget everything from the year before. We are usually generic, and normally it relates to our health. Exercise more, lose X amount of weight, quit smoking. Or it relates to being more productive. Learn a new language, stop procrastinating, meditate daily.

Photo by Nathan Cowley

Resolutions tend to be playful, light and full of hope. That was not quite the case for me as 2021 turned the corner. This New Year, my resolution was about facing the fact that I had problems. Problems that were a source of shame. That I'd tried to fight for years to no avail whilst also pretending they didn't exist, because my rational mind didn't understand why they did exist in the first place.

I have been in a cycle self sabotage and a lack of self control for many years. Unhealthy addictions to smoking, food and toxic relationships I knew deep down were a psychological issue for me. These issues were paired with the underlying feelings of depression, anxiety and at times constant melancholy that had plagued me since I was a teenager. Issues that, apart from one awkward conversation with an utterly dismissive GP leading nowhere, had never really been addressed.

Persons Raising Hands by Luis Dalvan

Something else connected to my mental demons was my sometimes reckless behavior with alcohol. Being out of control and unaware, consistently making stupid decisions in the moment, often trusting complete strangers on a night out or going along with what they wanted regardless of what I wanted. As a previously bullied kid I had a desperate need to be liked. Every time I engaged in these kind of destructive behaviors, I told myself it was the last time. The morning after was never filled with denial over the negatives. I felt the negatives, the deep paranoia of piecing the night together, the shame and guilt associated with them, deeply. However, the same patterns seemed to repeat, no matter what I felt the morning after.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

What happened in December was the last straw for my former boyfriend, who'd had to look after me when drunk, hear stories of me going to strange parties with friends and acting impulsively to the point of endangering myself, giving other vulturous men the wrong impression. On this particular occasion I was drunk, and put myself in danger, trusting and following people (a mostly male group) I had only just met to one of such after parties. I should have just gone home, so why didn't I? I didn't even like or respect the people I was with, so why did I go along with it? It was , as they say 'the straw that broke the camel's back.'

Sometimes the greatest changes in life only happen with a trigger. A trigger that sends a bullet straight to the heart. That's what's needed to finally wake up.

Photo by Pixabay

My Line in the Sand

I think letting you go is the only way you're going to change

These were some of the last words my boyfriend said to me as my boyfriend. It was just after the New Year. I had celebrated the New Year with my family, instead of being with him as had originally been planned, I knew that this moment was coming. I had been through the various stages of deep depression and heart break. Of feeling like something was sitting on my chest and weighing down every limb in my body. Of crying so unpredictably and uncontrollably that not a single tear was left. Just a sort of numbness. The heartbreak had happened before the final moment of it being over. I even wrote a poem about it, processing it all.

All of this pain did indeed have a purpose. It was, what would later be identified as my "line in the sand". The point of no return, the point where Truman realizes the set has ended, he can and must go up the stairs and through the door.

The split was due to reasons more complicated than I will go into, it was amicable and did not occur due to a lack of love on either side. But irregardless, I had lost someone I cared about, and what had happened would happen again and again, if I didn't do something concrete about it. As my ex very clearly pointed out, I was harming myself and had to do this for myself. As echoed by Frank Sonnenberg, there are "consequences of no consequences". It took the greatest of consequences to realize I couldn't ignore my mental health struggles any longer.

I found the contact details for a counselor who had been suggested to me months ago and had lain untouched. This would no longer be a flimsy idea that I made excuses to put off but a concrete action. For the first time in my life, I was not only facing my mental health issues, but committed to doing something about them.

The Big Consultation

Photo by Anna Shvets

I made the leap of taking a consultation before the New Year. That first video call, I looked a mess, a shadow of myself and at the point when we'd barely made it past the formalities, I broke down into an incoherent flood of tears. It was so necessary. I felt like a dam holding back a river that wanted to flow free but had no where to flow to. All my past trauma seemed to start falling out of my mouth like a ton of bricks, incidents I'd tried to deal with but couldn't, so buried.

I knew then that with the coming of the New Year, I would begin formal sessions. This was indeed, something I was resolved to continue. It's been a short time, but I've picked up on a number of great lessons already that I will share with you.

You are not "Bad", the Behaviour was

White and Black Jigsaw Puzzle by Ann H

If you truly loved your boyfriend, you wouldn't be sabotaging your relationship

This was something many people told me, it was in therapy that I realized that my behavior did not in fact have anything to do with the love I had for my boyfriend. I did and still in this moment do love him more than anyone I ever have before. The truth was that all my past relationships had an element of either toxicity or abuse. This had been the first normal, healthy relationship I'd ever had. We are creatures of habit, I did not know how to handle normal, positive and healthy, it wasn't what I was used to. Sub-consciously it made me uncomfortable, so instead, I kept sabotaging myself to return to that state of toxicity. This pattern would have happened with any person I was with and when I realized that, I was finally able to address it and start the process to prevent it ever happening again.

And that lead me onto another good discussion, that just because you acknowledge someone behaved badly, does not mean you are calling them a bad person. That applies to talking about your own behavior as well as others. For anyone going to therapy and exploring their past, particularly when it concerns any trauma caused by parents for example, remember that addressing that doesn't mean you love your parent any less or that you are calling them a bad person. The way their behavior made you feel in that moment was valid, and that's what needs to be addressed. This leads to another important part of healing, forgiveness.

The Burden of Guilt and Forgiving Yourself

Photo by Hassan Ouajbir

It is important to acknowledge our mistakes and dig down to the root of them. That is what keeps us from making them again, allowing us to learn and grow. But carrying that burden of guilt around is not helpful. That is why it's equally important once you have acknowledged your mistakes to forgive yourself. To understand that you are growing into a different person, that you can't change the past but that you CAN change the future.

Negative Emotions Are not the Enemy

'Sad smile made of fruits' by Any Lane

A really great book introduced to me in therapy that I would certainly recommend to anyone else is Emotional Agility by Susan David (her website is also linked there with resources you may find helpful). One of the key lessons I found in this book, whilst processing everything I was going through, was that negative emotions are not the enemy.

We live in a society where we are encouraged to constantly chase happiness, but our negative emotions are there for a reason. They can cause us to take a step back from a situation, think through things more rationally, get through difficult growth and develop greater empathy. I had many people showing sympathy for me because I had to get through this break up during Lockdown without being able to distract myself by going out. But the truth is, this was actually a blessing, because I was forced to sit with my sadness, to face it. This ultimately made me feel so much better than simply suppressing the emotion with distraction, only for it to manifest or spill over somewhere else.

People Pleasing and Boundary Setting

Photo by Samson Katt

One such negative emotion that can be good and healthy for us to experience is discomfort. As I mentioned earlier in this article, I knew that people pleasing was at the root of many of my behavioral issues. As I looked back at all the pain I had been through by being trusting without reason, I came to accept the fact that:

1) People needed to earn my trust, and that was OK.

2) Not everyone will or needs to like you and you shouldn't fight to keep those people in your life.

3) Setting boundaries is healthy and necessary.

All of the above was worth the temporary discomfort I would feel and lead to real change. It was also much easier to do with a clear head, which brings me on to the next point.

Alcohol

Photo by Chris F.

Alcohol had been involved in some of the worst decisions I've ever made or worse, caused me to forget what decisions I had made entirely. It was another form of self sabotage and self harm. Blackouts were something that used to torment me but had stopped as I had got into this first healthy relationship. But it hadn't stopped me exceeding my limits or crossing boundaries. I'd behaved in ways that seemed out of character for reasons I could not fathom afterwards. I had also used alcohol to run away from my emotions and not have to deal with them.

My therapist had asked me, whilst I was doing all this work on myself and going through my breakup, why don't I try dry January? My initial response was.

"Well I could try damp January"

Eventually I conceded with:

"I would try to do dry January"

"Why only try, why don't you commit to doing it?" She asked

We had discussed how, having grown up with an emotional caregiver I was often unsure of the reaction I would get to my decisions. That, combined with the bullying, meant that I struggled to make decisions, and so I struggled to commit. This was the case whether committing to a relationship or a month of not drinking. I wanted the comfort of knowing I could fail. But I was trying to make serious changes in my life, I had committed to that, so I committed to a dry January.

It has actually been incredibly easy. I realized that having a casual drink, even if only on the weekend, was a habit, not a need. I gained a clear head, better sleep and most importantly I was able to process and face my emotions instead of suppressing and then escalating them. Not to mention the amount of money I was able to save. I proved I could commit to the decision and that alcohol was not in fact something that controlled me. I did however understand now how it was a trigger for me and learnt to analyse why it had had an adverse effect on me on only specific occasions when I was feeling a certain way.

Loving Yourself

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

Finally we come down to the opposite of self sabotage and self harm, self love. I realized that much of my dysfunctional behavior was rooted in a lack of love for myself. I have realized in pursuing this resolution just how important it is to work on loving yourself.

If I couldn't love myself, how on earth could I love someone else and commit to them in the capacity that they deserved? When I did receive love, how could I believe I deserved it and therefore NOT try to sabotage it? If these questions resonate with you, then think about whether you could love yourself more? If you are kind to yourself? Because you ARE worthy of that love and kindness, I promise you.

When people ask me now if I'm single, I say I'm in a relationship with myself. It's the most important relationship you need to address, because that one lasts a lifetime.

Finally, if there is one positive to be gained from the unfortunate rise in reported Mental Health issues during this pandemic, it's the fact that there is a wider acceptance and awareness of it. It might still be uncomfortable, but it is no longer a taboo topic of conversation. Friends and family did not go awkward or silent at the mention of me getting therapy or reassessing my relationship with alcohol. It was something instead, applauded.

I've a long road ahead of me but I'm proud of the progress I've made so far. I'm committed to the journey, now that I've taken that first step.

Thank you for reading my article, if you liked it please do feel free to drop it a like.

coping
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About the Creator

Nessy Writer

A freelance writer of all sorts sharing it out with the world. Poetry, prose and advice.

If you want to show your support and see more please follow me on Twitter: Nessywriter

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  • Test5 months ago

    It is important to forgive ourselves for our mistakes so that we can move on and grow. I think your article "A Fresh Start" are insightful and helpful. I wish you all the best on your journey of healing and growth.

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