The Breakdown of 2016

Sometimes I find that when I hear people's stories about them getting over their hurdles, it makes me feel that I'm not alone; that so many people experience the same thing I do.

Here's a little backstory: I have emetophobia, which basically means I'm afraid of vomit and the whole process of it. This phobia has ruined my life. I've had it ever since I was very little. It's very hard for me, even to this day, to go over to a friend's house without worrying that I could throw up. It made me miss out on so many fun things.

I had just turned 15. My hormones were going crazy, which most likely made it even worse. My aunt got us tickets to go and see Luke Bryan atGillette Stadium. I was so excited. I LOVE Luke Bryan.

The days leading up to the concert, I was so excited. Even driving there I was so stoked to see him in concert and just let loose and sing along.

I've never had problems at concerts, although they are packed. It never really bothered me because I was seeing the people I loved. The one thing that was different about this day is that I ate. Usually, when I go to a concert, I don't eat—and yes, I know that's bad, but it helped my stomach not turn into a tornado and make myself feel sick. This time was different. I said "screw it" and I ate.

Everything was going good. The music was blasting and his opening acts were singing. When he came out, that's when it all went downhill. I started to feel a bit sick, but I ignored it. I just thought it must be because it's hot out since it was in the middle of July. Then it started to get worse. I stepped out into the food area and just stood there for a bit with my mom. Coincidentally, when I get nervous, I feel nauseous. This was really starting to freak me out.

Once the wave passed, I went back to the concert and danced and sang. Then it came back again. This time, it was much worse. I ended up sitting up against a pole. I looked so horrible that one of the medics came over and thought I was drunk, clearly, because I was only 15. I stayed out in the food area for the rest of the concert. There was no way I was able to go back. I was shaky and pale. My skin was clammy. I felt like I was dying.

We then went back to the hotel after the concert was over and it was so bad, I fell asleep sitting upright. I was so tired, yet I was terrified to go to sleep. On the way home, I remember crying because I was so uncomfortable. I couldn't eat anything, drink anything.

The week after was, by far, the worst week of my life. I didn't eat, I spent most of my day sitting in front of the toilet in fear that I was going to be sick. I was so hungry, but I was so scared to eat or drink anything. At the end of the week, we went to the mall, which I was dreading. I didn't walk around. I was dizzy, so I sat in those comfy chairs they have outside of stores.

That was also the first time I ate something in a week. I had pretzel bites from Annie's. At that time, my stomach was like "Hallelujah, I finally have something to eat!" I only ate one, but it was a start. That's when I got on my medications.

I went through so many, yet none of them worked for me. They'd be great for a while, but once my system gets used to them, they were useless. That's until I heard about Prozac. For the past year and a half, I have been faithfully taking Prozac, and I feel good. It took me awhile to be able to eat out at a restaurant, but now I can. I couldn't even sit in the back seat of a car because it was too tight and I felt like everything was closing in on me. That's still a bit of a problem, but I'm getting there. At this point, I also changed schools. Being at a public school was too much for me. I spent weeks out of school, so now I'm online and I love it.

I've gotten to a point in my life where I'm done letting my anxiety take over. I try my hardest to push it aside; sometimes that works, but there are moments when I'm not strong enough.

I'm even considering living on campus for my years in college. A few years ago, I would never say something like that, but now I feel strong in myself and I know that, yeah, sometimes you get sick, sometimes you throw up, but it's something that happens a few times and it's done. I read that people who suffer from emetophobia are people who get sick less than the average person. Awesome, right? I've had this for so long that I can differ if I feel nauseous because I'm hungry, or anxious, or really sick. So I tell myself: "Julia you're fine, you're not going to be sick, just relax, it'll pass."

Anyone else who suffers from this, I want to tell you that you're not alone. Anxiety sucks, but there are ways to calm it down. There are ways you can live your life without being in fear 24/7. Take it from me. You're going to be okay. You can get through this. I know you can...