The BIG PUSH.

When you start showing up and speaking your truths, the BIG PUSH happens.

I always thought it happened because it was a punishment for doing something wrong. But now I think it is actually the universe's way of pushing out the bad from your life in order to make room for the good.

The BIG PUSH happens like this:

You start to speak up about your BOUNDARIES.

You begin to

THINK

SPEAK

WRITE

ACT

out your true feelings and desires out into the universe.

You let your entire circle know what you desire.

You speak the truth about your emotions, your needs, your likes, your dislikes.

The truth about your depression, your anxiety, your mental health.

The truth about what people piss you off, what wrongs have been done, what lines have been crossed.

And then, pushed out of the nest like a baby bird still terrified to meet the edge... the universe says -------> FLY.

Some of you will FREEZE mid-air, saying "faaak faak faaak" as you fall.

Some of you will look for any ledge or branch or familiar safety to grasp desperately onto because you did not feel ready for the gust of wind (feeling like it is tunneling through your lungs) and the gravity pushing down that would quickly steal control from your body after leaping.

The truth though is that it was worth that leap.

Worth the pent-up anger and frustration you have had while living as "passing" in miserable situations and toxic relationships.

The big push is not happening just to plummet your self-esteem.

Once I processed my feelings as I cascaded down heavily through the air of truth, I realized all I had to do to survive it was expand as I fell.

Expand my arms for the glide.

To embrace the wind as it carried me not down through lower expectations but AHEAD on new horizons.

As a survivor of the fall, I am telling you now that I left the nest with my truths not with a fear of falling but with a fear of remaining stuck on that perch forever in misery.

For never even seeing what life would be like if I could fly.

This year, the BIG PUSH was a reward for taking that chance.

As I wrote out my truths and worked through them, I figured out more puzzle pieces as to who I am.

As I honored my BOUNDARIES, friends who did not were PUSHED OUT.

As I honored my needs, the items or things I did not need in my life were PUSHED OUT.

When I sat with myself to face my own fears and demons, the anxiety and the pain of walking daily with coal in my chest were PUSHED OUT.

THE NIGHTMARES WERE PUSHED OUT.

Because I stopped living in my own box of fears and depression, instead taking them to paper or computer screen for awareness and validation -------> my crippling fear of not being enough got PUSHED OUT.

I SHED SO MANY UNNEEDED THINGS.

I PUSHED EVERYTHING THAT DID NOT WORK FOR ME OUT.

I spent years holding onto friendships and acquaintances with people who did not care for me or about me in the way that I WANTED TO BE CARED FOR, because of the anxiety of letting them go.

I felt guilty to cut people out.

I thought I had to love everyone regardless of how they treated me because I was happy eating other people's crumbs of care instead of baking my own damn pie.

This revelation is so juicy, I can strip out all the metaphors.

I can tell you I simply trusted that I could show up and be myself, tell my truths, and be worthy of love.

I then decided I could love myself through the process, even if no one else did.

So I leaped.

I write about my mental health, the abuse I have endured, the revelations I have, and the thoughts that come from my soul.

I no longer G.A.F. who holds a word count to my posts.

I no longer worry when I hit share.

I do not time or limit or pressure myself when I speak or write my truths.

I do not censor or screen myself before I share what I think and believe.

Because I no longer live under anyone else's standards but my own.

I used to think the BIG PUSH was the Universe saying "Jean, you suck."

You:

■ WRITE TOO MUCH

■ TALK TOO MUCH

■ THINK TOO MUCH

■ PLAN TOO MUCH

■ ARE TOO MUCH

I was pretty sure I'd been born or maybe became TOO MUCH because of being neglected or taught the wrong things since I grew up in an abusive environment.

I thought I was too much for wanting to tell people that:

■ HAVING ABUSIVE PARENTS IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY

■ HAVING A CHEATING OR LYING PARTNER IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY

■ HAVING BEEN NEGLECTED OR GAS LIT AND GHOSTED IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY

■ LIVING WITH ADDICTS IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY

■ STAYING WITH AN ABUSIVE CO-PARENT TO HONOR THE KIDS IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY

■ HAVING FRIENDS WHO LOVE MISERY AND NO COMPANY IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY

■ MASKING MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES WITH CODEPENDENCY, ADDICTIONS, OR OVERCOMPENSATION IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY

■ LIVING IN STRUGGLE CHRONICALLY AND NOT CHANGING HABITS/LIFESTYLE IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY

■ LIVING WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES AND NOT SEEKING HELP IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY.

AND LASTLY, "NORMAL" IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH "HEALTHY".

Once I was ready to speak up about my experiences with sex, birth, ab*rt**n, abuse, domestic violence, eating disorders, neglectful and abusive family, gaslighting and ghosting lovers/friends, narcissists in my life, and the physical trauma it all caused me ---->

Such as: depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, night terrors, panic attacks, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, foggy brain, speech slurs, stutters, indigestion, weight gain or loss, skin problems, circulation problems, stomach pains, body aches, hair loss etc.

I suddenly felt RELIEF.

Relief that I did not have to hide myself from everyone ----> from a chance at happiness.

Now that I am on the other side of Trauma, the place of recovery, I realize I only nested myself in unhappiness because joy felt foreign.

I did not believe I was able to achieve past a certain level in life because I had been stuck in trauma for so many years.

The BIG PUSH did the rest for me after I made the first move.

So now I'm telling you one vital thing.

If you want to heal, you need to tell the truth.

To your friends, your coworkers, your parents, your partner, your kids, your best friend.

Most importantly, yourself.

No one else is going to care if you are ever brave enough.

In fact, many people in your life count on you to stay perched in your nest.

In your discomfort.

I want you to be brave enough to leave it all behind.

Willingly.

And know you do not even need to think or plan or map out what is best for you.

All you have to do is honor yourself.

The rest is going to follow according to the moves you make.

Happiness is trusting the air beneath your wings will take you exactly where you want to go.

Embrace it. ♡