The Beauty And The Narcissist

Okay, leveling time ya'll.. I need to start this off by saying a few things. That's right, you guessed it, another list!

1. I am not a victim, I was aware that there were so very many things wrong and I stayed even when I found out how bad it really could get. I stayed when it was at the worst. I have allowed many lines to be crossed that I normally would not.

2. I'm not crazy, don't have Stockholm syndrome, and I'm not blinded by my love for him or experiencing such low self-esteem or self-worth that I thought it was okay or that I deserved it.

3. I saw his best and worst sides and I accepted him for them both equally. I experienced unconditional love for the first time in a romantic relationship with him and was able to finally understand loving someone but not liking them in a particular moment.

4. Even at the worst of it, the darkest shadow was just that. The beautiful person that I have always seen was at the forefront.

That was important for me to say because while I did experience what is often referred to as narcissistic abuse, I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me or view me as some kind of victim. My part is this is probably the most noteworthy -- I allowed it. I enabled it. By staying, especially after everything I learned about his behavior, essentially I okayed it. I'm also very far from innocent. I have been taken over by emotion many times, and in those moments I have moved in a way that would be viewed just as toxic as his if you avoided your instinct to compare.

So, here we go.. the deep dive into the emotional warfare I still find it hard to detach from.

I have been trying to bring myself to write this for weeks. I wasn't sure how to start it, and when a decent path crossed my mind I made every excuse not to even try. I had to be alone, I couldn't be working for fear I'd become too emotional, I couldn't start once I got high, I couldn't start if I wasn't engrossed in the most abject desolation. I think I've been avoiding this because pretending to have a backbone when I talk about it to my mom and swear I'm going to leave, or kicking and screaming in agony to my albatross begging him to stop pales in comparison to performing open-heart surgery on myself to really let this out.

So, being true to the emotional masochist I am.. I chose to start writing this on the anniversary of my late girlfriend and best friend's death. Ya know, really just stick it to any shreds of sanity that dare hang on.

Imagine a long and dramatic sigh, because I just HAD to let one out as I was starting this sentence.. I guess I'll start at the beginning. Same story, minus the fluff. That means minimal excuses meant to adorn what was actually calculated abuse, but definitely still erection-focused.. so maybe some fluff.

I was moving into my new apartment, the same complex as my mom, when I got the message. Sounds omnious.. but I guess it kind of was, so.. fitting. Almost 6 months to the day since I reached out about getting a tattoo idea drawn up for my brother. I quickly got wrapped up in conversation, but this time it was very different. He claimed he found the message while deleting older messages, and up until a few months ago I believed that without a second thought. Now, not so much. He actually yelled to me from his office one day that that wasn't true. I was starting to really second guess a lot of things those days, that's why I asked him to confirm it so many months later and he said "No, I never said that." It prompted me to review our old conversations, but when I confronted him about it again, he was enraged and told me he never said it wasn't true. This sounds really stupid to get hung up on, but I was at a point where I was convinced he was a malignant narcissist and I was wondering if I was targeted as a dummy that he could exploit as "supply" or if I willingly stumbled into the lion's den, wide-eyed and bushy tailed.

I was always interested in him, but it was fairly clear that he had no interest in me during all that time. So, I've summed it up to 1 of 4 possible things, or maybe a comination of 2. He actually was clearing out old conversations, he was bored of the woman he had already mentally conquered, he needed money and thought to cash in on the drawing I asked for, or he was like a lot of other people around that time and noticed I lost some weight and intended to be a fucking creep. I'm more inclined to believe it was either the money or boredom. I'm not totally on board with the idea of him throwing conversations away. Not knowing what I know now anyway. I did think it was odd that he was all of a sudden liking pictures I posted, he hadn't done that before and I rarely saw him liking much of anything in the way of selfies.. But then it didn't seem like a viable motive, and it doesn't now either. Of course, I was so wrapped up in the excitement that I truly was blind to how many red flags were present from the very first interaction. While we're on the social media subjec

As I briefly mentioned before, I had primarily dated women most of my life, and when it came to interacting with the opposite gender I felt completely out of my element on a romantic level. I had no idea how to flirt, so I lead with my best foot; sarcasm. Making jokes is my go-to for most things, but mostly when I'm nervous, which is honestly still a common feeling when I talk to him. Yes, I know what his bootyhole tastes like and I still get nervous around him. There's just always been that thing about him that makes me want to be my best or even better than I could be so he'll see me.

This playful conversation continued for most of the day, ultimately ending up with him inviting me over to smoke DMT. I didn't know that's what it was for at the time, but I was down for whatever, like the go-with-the-flow puppet I was. We talked into the wee hours of the morning and even when I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, I stayed. This is not behavior that is specific to him, I tend to ignore my own needs in those situations because I don't feel comfortable cutting people off in conversation. I also have a HUGE fear of FOMO so I tend to force myself to stay awake long after I should have gone to bed just so I can feel like I won't miss out.... on the nothing plans I ever make or keep. I also really don't talk to anyone, so while I'm sure this behavior has suited me in the past, it no longer does and I still cannot seem to break that habit. I've recently come to understand that people-pleasing is really just manipulating someone's view of you. Another way I act out, starved for acceptance and love, and end up being the fucked up one – thanks mom.

It's actually kind of funny, in a really unfortunate kind of way, I was skeptical from the beginning of how much I liked him. I used to joke about all the red flags, and there were a lot.. but my dumbass didn't even see them as red flags. I think I was more attention-seeking in the most ridiculous way than anything else, but the part that's funny is that I was right. I had no idea what I was talking about and I was fucking right!

Okay, okay.. enough of me putting myself down while also tooting my own horn.. What truths did I stumble into? Well, he left me breadcrumbs telling me exactly who he was and I saw it, I fucking heard him loud and clear. Nothing he said or did went unnoticed.. but I did not tie them together and see them as the person he was hiding from me until waaaay too late. Like an embarrassing amount of time into the relationship for how much I actually did notice – and frequently complained/complain about.

I think the first bit that I half noticed/half ignored was actually not a bit at all. From the first day we hungout he would literally tell me how toxic he was. I'm not even kidding, that's how seemingly naive I was. He is actually textbook as far as described narcissism goes. As you'll find out, I love to play director.. so allow me to set the stage.

He told me how he barely maintained relationships because he couldn't trust anyone. This sounds normal, but group it with the following statements and I'm sure you'll pick up what I'm putting down.

-Refrencing all of his exes being whores, most of which cheated on him. Not mentioning until later that he either cheated first or was the only cheater.

-Stating he's not as toxic as he was in the past, and he knows this because he did everything right with his ex who still fucked him over.

-He literally called his best friend a pussy because he was fucking a girl he loved or was with and the girl rejected his best friend. Yes, he did it anyway and did it in the same room as his best friend. Then mocked him when telling people about it.

-Stating he lies on all of his resumes but is smart enough to bullshit through the interview and teach himself on the job.

-Boasting about taking a handful of whatever drug and getting a lot of work done, thus proving to be the best employee.

-Complaining that he was fired from the same job after returning from workman's comp when he got hurt again and was out for a bit when his friend died. Excluding the details of missed work with no warning/missed work at all/latenesses/thinking he got it like that.

-Stating his mother was a bitch who only contacted him when she needed something, but carried the same attitude from what was visible on the outside.

-Complaining that his mom turned all of his exes against him by convincing them how terrible he was - as if it would have been a secret by the time they met his mom.. and what could she know that we didn't?

-Claiming that the only ex he loved before me filed a PFA against him for throwing a phone charger at her even though he never hit her and she had no reason to be scared of him. She ultimately came to her senses and did not complete the process, because then it would have been her fault he went back to jail.

See the theme? Most of the time when he talks about himself it's the same cycle: I'm so smart, I'm so aware, I'm so important, I was done so dirty, everyone else is the problem, nothing is ever my fault.

Pro Tip: If someone tells you their ex got a protection order against them, look into that further before you continue on assuming he's innocent because next thing you know you're getting slapped across the face for something he did to you and wondering how THE FUCK you believed anything he said.

I was genuinely happy with him, just spending time together when we first started hanging out. I was sarcastic most of the time, very easy-going. I would sit in his office with him for hours while he put on songs he liked, videos he liked, messed around with whatever art project he was working on, or talked endlessly. I loved this about him for a while... until I never got a word in. Until I realized I could count on one hand how many sentences I got to finish saying in a month.

He didn't care about knowing a single thing about me. If I talked about anything in my life he would get upset with me for always talking about negative shit, or for talking about an ex, or would interrupt me to tell me about how he could relate to the story I never finished.. Either that or he would just sit in silence until I expressed being annoyed, at which time he'd simply say, 'I don't know what you want me to say." Mostly though, he would just cut me off before I ever finished telling him anything. He once yelled at me because he dropped a pizza box on the floor. He moved the box to where it fell from. If you read our messages from around that time it was before I started to really argue with him. I would simply tell him that it felt like everything I did was wrong. I would ask him why he even liked me if he hated everything I did and said. He wouldn't answer me about why he liked me for a really long time, and when he finally did it was honestly rotten. I'll tell you about it in a minute, but his excuse for not answering me prior to then was something along the lines of not wanting me to know and the end of that sentence is honestly something I blacked out months ago.

So, we started hanging out at the end of February. He was still talking to this girl from another state, the one it's possible he was using me to replace. He claimed he never felt anything for her and she was boring because he could tell her to do anything and she just did it. Like give him all her passwords, and find guys to fuck on camera for his amusement. As dumb as I played during that time, this is something that I couldn't avoid. He was very obviously lying. He would "block" her and she would actually block him, but then a few weeks later if I mentioned her he would ALWAYS say he had just talked to her but failed to mention it because it was a short conversation, or she sent a picture, or he stopped replying after a bit and forgot. No matter how many times I expressed interest and asserted that I would like to know if she reached out he always, ALWAYS said one or all 3 things. I heard them on the phone once, he actually left the room to talk to her, and he talked to her in a tone that I still haven't heard from him directed towards anyone else. His tone was so.... genuine. I really thought he was in love with her. I also thought it would be really fucking hot to watch them fuck if they vibed like that. He said he was down, but he would say she wasn't worth the effort... and then every few weeks they had been talking again and he would say he was down, then say he didn't want to put in the effort. He said some vile things to her about us hooking up. Look into triangulation, I think you'll understand exactly what I'm getting at. I don't actually know how innocent or not innocent she is, but I know how vile he can be and for no reason so I'm sure she didn't deserve the negative bits she got from him. Luckily for her, she did not live around here. I think that may have saved her from the relationship I ended up with. Apparently, their nothing relationship was something enough that even after they supposedly hadn't talked in months she felt the need to reach out to him and tell him she was pregnant... If they barely talked, only met twice, and at that time weren't talking at all.. then why would she need to tell him that? And then just recently he told me they briefly talked before she blocked him AGAIN... Supposedly he thanked her for her role in his life??????? I'm not sure what he claimed that role was to her since she was never described to me as anyone of much substance. And for her to have blocked him, I'm assuming that wasn't all that took place. I'll never get that story though – same as I'll never know the true nature of their relationship.

I knew that he was talking to other people when we first started talking, I saw it on his phone. I watched him lie to me about it a few times. There was one other woman that was pretty consistent from what I saw. I eventually found out that he had been sleeping with her on and off for years.

See this is tricky, I feel like to truly understand the multiple layers of utter disrespect you need to hear all the details. However, I feel like its very easy to get lost in the details of all this bullshit. I'll try to keep it surface level unless more is needed from now on.. but I am extremely emotional by default and will most likely get sucked into a tornado of WTF more than I should.. Or, I'll end up being vague on parts I should elaborate on and over explain things that probably could have been summed up in a sentence or less.

So one night we were hanging out and I think we took some molly, and I made a pretty big mistake. I asked him if he would be interested in hooking up with people in front of me or videotaping it for me to watch after the fact, and he was down. He went on Tinder shortly after. Minutes after. I also went on Tinder, but he expressed discomfort in that even though we weren't together and well... I made up some excuse about it not being my thing and deleted it. He kept his. A few weeks later, also on molly, I also asked him to hit me while we were having sex. That was the mistake. He acted really nervous. I assured him it was fine, and a short while later we tried it. It was definitely good.... I say this was a mistake for a couple reasons.

Reason 1: Never engage in that kind of sexual activity with someone you can't trust or just started talking to. Sexual experimentation is perfectly fine, but when you cross those lines with someone that doesn't have any regard for your wellbeing, whether it be physical or emotional, this can create problems.

Reason 2: He was then comfortable escalating his already irrational temper from yelling at me for no reason and blaming every wrong thing in a day on me to now hitting me for these issues. He undoubtedly would have gotten there anyway, but I accelerated it. This is 0ne of the first ways I taught him it was okay to mistreat me. He would hit me when we weren't having sex. He was turning one of my kinks against me.. and I stayed. I expressed that I was not okay with that and he did not stop. I didn't stick to my own boundary, so why would he? I was helping him disrespect me.

Anyway, we would "stop talking" every few days because of how ridiculous this all was. During the times when it was the most tense, I would hang out with my ex. Not because I was hooking up with her or even wanted to, but because she was hurting and I felt obligated to give her my time because I caused that hurt by leaving her. This is something that was a HUGE issue for my collapsing narcissist. He infuriated me with his disrespectful and abusive behavior. Get this, he wouldn't act how I wanted him to. Director complex. He wouldn't just be fucking decent to me so we could be happy together. So, instead of leaving I used any chance I could to be rotten to him. I threw my ex in his face. I told him how she was there for me and better to me and would taunt him with hanging out with her. I didn't plan for this or even realize it at the time, but after some uncomfortable self relfection, I was forced to face myself and understand 2 things.

Thing 1: I was a fucking asshole, because whether or not he deserved it and whether or not he was actually bothered by what I was doing was not relevant. I had no right to speak to him that way and definitely had no right to expect any respect from him if I was able to do something he openly expressed was not okay by him. I hate to admit it, but I actually told him then that he had no right to be upset because my relationship with my ex was never sexual. While I don't think he should have told me not to hangout with her, I do think the way I went about it made it so much worse than it was. I do want to say that I told him that I was going to hangout with her even if he had an issue with it and same as me, he stayed and was angry instead of walking away.

Thing 2: I absolutely cared about the state I left my ex in, but definitely not enough to lose my hypocritical lover. If I was willing to lose him for her or my freedom to choose then I would have done this while we are on good terms. I like to believe that becasue his temper was often unreasonable and small things could send him over the edge that I just wanted to enjoy any good moments we had and not give him a reason to actually be mad at me. There is definitely truth to that statement, but I am very selfish and my driving concern was any way I could say "Fuck you" without actually doing anything that would compromise my claim to loyalty for him. Lessons about loyalty to follow.

On memorial day he showed up at my apartment and saw that my ex was sitting in the living room. He ended up hanging out with a girl he met on Tinder for us, and then he got high with her, and then fucked her. During this time in our situationship, he would frequently tell me that he couldn't tell if I cared about him. This is actually funny, because I recently found out that he didn't care about me at all until like last month. He was so worried about how I felt and he didn't even like me. Awesome. This actually played a huge role in me believing that he was capable of admitting when he was wrong, and self reflection.

When he got to my apartment, I was at my moms because my toilet was not working. I met him at her apartment and we went out back to talk which was really just him telling me how terrible I was and then hitting me before he stormed off. We argued for most the day, once my shift was done I went to his house to get the belongings I had there. He told me he was having a girl over but when I got there late I assumed he was just talking out of his ass. I had given him a lot of shit, incuding the sheets on his bed, so I bagged it all up and went to leave with it - queue the guilt trip. So, I left it and went home. When I got home my ex texted me and asked if I wanted to smoke a blunt, so I drove over there and we smoked while our dogs played. My favorite thorn in my side called me in a panic about having work many hours before he thought - I was less than interested in hearing about his problems and extremely confused as to why he was calling to tell me about it. He didn't like my lack of care and asked me where I was. I was honest with him, as I mostly am, and He. Flipped. Thefuck. Out. Imagine me clapping between words. He was so upset that I would do what I wanted after we broke up. I'm assuming this tug-of-war style relationship was his norm, well it wasn't mine and I was not assuming we would get back together quickly if at all.

By the way he freaked out, you'd assume that he was so hurt it trumped the panic attack he was seemingly having moments prior. Well, fast forward 5 days to when he finally came home and he asked me to come over. Like the how to stay in an abusive relationship author I am, I went right over. I don't remember exactly how he brought it up, but he told me that he had talked to that girl that he "faked" inviting over and some of it was about me. I asked him to see and he quickly retracted that lie and informed me that she actually came over and they got high and had sex. I was crushed. By this point he had really backed off from having sex with me and I couldn't figure out why. I thought we had good sex, but he apparently wasn't as into it as I was. He told me that he wasn't as in to it because he couldn't last as long with me, but that didn't make much sense to me. I also felt untouchable. He had showed me pictures she sent him and she had a beautiful body from what I could see. I was no where near as attractive and he did end up telling me that she was aggressive and put the moves on him. I played it off like I was fine, but over time I couldn't go to his house without wanting to know every detail. I was uncomfortable and unable to just sit without wondering where he touched her or if she felt what I did with him, if what I felt with him was even something special or if my experience was just our experience and I was too stupid to have considered that I was just another person in the disregarded "them".

We were supposed to go to Colorado shortly after that, and it got to a point where I refused to go. He begged me and said he would pay for everything while there and give me money for everything I already paid for. I still said no. He came over my apartment the night before and I don't remember what the deal was but it was something sexual and I would go. So, we went. Everything started off well enough but then the fighting started. We had a layover in North Carolina and we missed our connecting flight. He smoked 2 cigarettes instead of 1, and had to use the bathroom in the airport instead of on the plane and I wasn't aware that the time I had written down was the take off time and not the boarding time. So, obviously it was my fault - even though at that point we had never discussed a time. This was the theme of the entire trip. And it really exposed the one thing that I cannot find beauty in about him.. He forces moments. As an artist, one that partakes in photography especially, I understand the need to cature perfect pictures. However, there should be a time that enjoying a trip with your girlfriend take the front seat to your instagram likes. It would have been especially nice considering how many times I had gotten yelled at in less than 48 hours of being coerced onto this trip I did not want to go on.

Due to missing our flight and taking so long to finally get to our destination, we were out a whole day there. Day two I gritted my teeth and bared it, and we had a lot of set backs, and he was angry a lot - but I kept my spirits up and kept trying to bring him out of that mood. It didnt work. He just kept getting high without me, and being more and more aggressive. As this went on, we didn't even walk around together. He was off trying to take perfect photos and I was off taking pictures of blades of grass or some shit. I helped the women in the shoe find a bathroom for her and her 12 kids at one point - the highlight. Once night time came, you couldn't see a single star so we ended up driving back to the place we were staying. We ordered food separately, sat separately, and argued through text a little bit. He offered me some molly and I got way, way too high. I think we had sex for a little bit, but I'm not 100% sure. The next day should have been good, but for some reason started off really really bad. We didn't do anything all morning, and then finally went to go on a hike. On the way there more perfect picture time, which resulted in me sitting alone a lot. Then we get to the hike, and he's already his charmingly miserable self. He actually threatened to kill me and leave me there at one point. I was honestly hoping for it by then. I'm saying that sarcastically now, but at that point I 100,000% meant it. I called my mom so many times on that trip just to calm myself down. I would say how I was going to try to show him a good time even though he was being a menace. I understood it was his first real trip and wanted it to be memorable in a postive way. It was like he heard me say that and decided to kick everything up a notch. So, by this last day and last adventure I was beyond fed up. He claimed to feel extremely sick while we were hiking and the altitude was high, so I told him to sit down and relax for a minute but he refused - of course. I always viewed behavior like that as an inconvenience, but I can be especially uncompassionate if the person exhibiting this behavior is also in my crosshairs at the moment . If you're well enough to yell at me, you're well enough to walk yourself and shut the fuck up. He did not shut the fuck up. He said the most and I was hoping another moose would come by to take me out of my misery.

After that trip, I think everything changed between us forever. We were arguing a lot before but now it was different. I have this overwhelming sad feeling thinking about it because I'd give anything to get back that feeling I had. I guess that's how everyone feels though.

He finally asked me to be in a relationship with him on June 19th, 2020. I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship with him before but after that fucking trip I was like tethered to him. We broke up a day later. From then on was a series of discard, idealization, devalue, repeat. By mid July we had broken up for the 50th time in 3 weeks and I got the bright idea that if he slept with someone else (completely excluding the thought that he would have already been doing so) that he would leave me alone. HA! So, he slept with a woman who he had been on and off with for like 8 years and secretly video taped it for me to watch. He acted very nervous afterwards and was anxious to be around me. He was scared I tricked him into being with someone else and needed me to reassure him and tell him how well he performed for me. This was not an insecurity. This was manipulation.

He would constantly ask me if I had anyone over around that time, he would trap me in arguments for hours and hours and make me sit on my couch and wouldn't even let me use the bathroom unless I showed him camera footage of my every move while he was on a work trip. He was paranoid that I was using him to help fill time while the world was shut down. I rejected this and any attempt he made at turning my character into shit, but he was relentless and I was a good little dummy and constantly proved myself. I think Joe Budden said it best, "Though it all seemed shady, maybe I was crazy I ignored my gut feelin, nah, not my baby; accusing me, but pretending yourself - I couldn’t catch it, too busy defending myself." It was the perfect plan. I couldn't think long enough to know I should be accusing him of anything if I was busy constantly defending myself.

The end of July/beginning of August was the point of no return. We made a Tinder together and he "Activated" his old one. The point of this was to find women that were okay with having sex with him while I watch, maybe joined a little bit. And for him to find women that wanted to sleep with him and he would video tape it for me. We made it about 1 week into it before it blew up. He was overly paranoid about what I did on our shared account that he had access to and never shared anything from him claiming he hadn't matched with anyone. We ended up meeting one person that seemed like a sure thing, but he had met a few women on his own that I knew of.

One night I was knocked over physically but this uncomfortable feeling like I couldn't keep my rose colored glasses on anymore. I became hyper aware of his behaviors. I noticed him smiling in his phone and this weird animalistic look in his eyes while he was typing. I asked him about it and he said he wasn't even texting, he was scrolling facebook. A few times throughout the month of August I asked him to prove what he was doing while I was away from him and he eventually agreed and I would back down. I didn't really want to see it. I knew my heart couldn't handle anything I found or saw. I never even tried to find out what I felt in my gut. I just let him convince me I was crazy. I never actually believed it, but it was easier then.

It seems like I'm the one that lead us into every downfall, but what's important to remember is that we were going to get to these points no matter what, but facilitating them allowed me to see behaviors I needed to remember for what was to ultimately come.

The night I saw him engaging in what I knew was a sexual exchange with God only knows at this point, I gathered my things and I left without warning. I couldn't think and I just needed to get the fuck out of there. I don't remember driving home, I don't remember walking up to my apartment. I remember arguing with him about leaving, and I remember waking up and based off the placement of odd items I found out that I dissociated for hours that night. I creeped myself out. By the time I told my lover about this, he just blew me off.

We were pretty involved in our upper drug abuse a this point, we were barely sleeping and me even less than him. I would work 8am-midnight and when he would come back from a work trip he would want me to stay up all night with him. If I fell asleep he would get mad. So, I was up for days and he would sleep while I was working. Then repeat. One day he was helping me clean and look for an adapter I lost and in doing so he ended up stealing another adapter and a flash drive I specifically told him was my dead brother's and didn't want him to have. He opened the package and put the empty package back thinking I wouldn't notice. I felt in my gut to check when he left and found out he stole it from me. I confronted him and he told me I was in psychosis. I think I may have been approaching it or in it, but what I saw was real - it was my reaction that was over the top. I stayed. I ended up apologizing to him for ... calling him out on stealing from me?

We spent so much time fighting, and he would have me come to his house and buy food, and perform sexual acts on him, and he would be really mean to me for hours then bully me if I went to leave.. as if I was too weak if I couldn't take the constant mental and verbal abuse and want to stay too. So, I stayed. I cried every day, multiple times a day. He would look at me and tell me he gave up and that I never gave him anything he needed or wanted. He would tell me that I was worthless and that's why everyone used me and left me. He was hitting me almost every day I saw him and then kicked me out.

At one point he was in a downward spiral and freaking out for reasons I never got to know. But he needed me, and I showed up. I agreed to work from his house for the rest of my shift. About 35 minutes into doing that and he was upset because I wasn't paying attention to him. I clocked out of work and the arguments started. He held me hostage in his bedroom for ove an hour at knife point before pushing me into the hallway, tripping me so I fell to the ground, he ripped off my shirt, dragged the knife across me in an outline, and decided he wanted to have sex with me as I layed there crying the whole time. He later said I had mentioned CNC so he wanted to try it. However, we never talked about it so it was not consentual, and I was clearly not into it and it didn't even phase him so I was really confused by him after this.

He stayed on Tinder after we deleted ours, he maintained contact with at least one female he swore he never talked to but refused to remove from Snapchat. Somehow we ended up deciding to meet up with the one girl we met even though we weren't together. He took too many drugs and couldn't stay hard but did end up finishing so the video was okay.

A week later he picked a really nasty fight with me, he hit me and spit in my face and said vile things to me before kicking me out. He was leaving on a work trip the next day and I begged him to just be softer to me that week because that weekend had my head messed up and the following weekend was a year since my brother died. The whole thing was too much for me. I told him I didn't need anything out of character, I didn't need support or anything but just please don't be as mean if he could help it. Well, he was the meanest. The week became a constant reminder that his work week was terrible - the worst it had ever been - he didn't let up once. He never asked me to talk to him about what was going on. He never tried to make a plan with me for when he came home. His only accomplishment that week was making me feel lower than dirt and guess what?! On the anniversary of my brother's death I went to his house because he refused to come to mine. I bought him food, I served him, I jerked him off. I got 5 minutes of laying calmly in his bed before everything turned to shit and I went home with my tail between my legs and stared at a wall for what seemed like hours with the same 3 songs on repeat.

We kept arguing and we weren't on good terms for even an hour a day.. but that woman we met up with reached out to us both right before my brother's death anniversary and we were entertaining the idea of meeting up with her. Until I took him as being way too insensitive for where I was emotionally. I'm sure messing with his fantasy fueled the hate he spewed at me that week. I ended up calling it quits and said they could meet up but I wanted out. On the anniversary of my brother's death she sent me pictures of herself in lingerie and I knew the pictures were for him, so I mentioned them and he told me he hated them but he got them. That was always the case.

12 days later was the anniversary of my Dad's death, he was actually so great that day. We had been fighting for the last 2 weeks straight, but I told him I wanted to be around him that day and he asked me to come over and we cuddled. I invited him on a trip to Virginia to see the caverns, he accepted right away and was so excited. He paid for the hotel, and we drove down that Saturday. Day one I wanted to leave him there, he ended up getting so upset and told me I ruined his trip. I reminded him it was a memorial trip for my dad and he mocked me. He used the voice Kristen Wiig does in Bridesmaids, "Oh, is it for your daaaad?" I felt sick. This was the lowest he'd ever gone. That was always something that was off limits even if he was being tretchorus on the day itself, he never crossed that line. My mom convinced me to stay and try to turn it around. He fell asleep early that night after he got off and I didn't... again. I didn't even get touched.. again. I spent the night trying to poop, but being so full of anxiety about pooping near him that it took hours. I finally went to lay with him and we cuddled. It was amazing. We woke up late and when the maid knocked on the door he freaked out, started a crazy fight, ended up hitting me, knocked bags out of my hand when we were going downstairs, and was just nasty to me. He punched me while I was driving, he tried to convince my mom I had been hitting him for no reason and was going crazy. He would yell at me or grab for the wheel, he even spit on me because he was upset I was stopping at a rest stop to pee. I swore I was done, for good. But I saw him the night we got back.

He convinced me that our problems stemmed from me not giving him enough. He wasn't giving anything at all, but because I didn't always hit my mark or because he liked to move the goal post I needed to try harded. I read self help book after self help book, I learned about commitment issues and love languages. I read about loving a partner that is halfway out the door. I wrote him this long letter and I told him that I loved him and that I was going to really give him the effort he deserved. He was so elated to hear my letter that he squeezed me tight and I just laid in his embrace until he requested I handle his erection by putting my hand on it. I wasn't touched otherwise.

About 5 days later, mid-September, I misunderstood what an emoji meant on Snapchat and asked him to see his best friends list, he refused for hours but eventually showed me and I asked him who the people were. He told me old friends, but kept attacking me. He was telling me I was crazy and I never let him talk to anyone. I had no idea what his problem was, but we eventually let it go and I got nothing I asked for but like always he got everything asked for and complained it wasn't enough or anything at all. The next day he picked a fight out of no where, and I asked him why he was allowed to pick a fight with this topic but I was damned for it. Because I was just asking questions I had every right to ask and he was actually attacking me. He finally came out and told me. This purple-haired Bitmoji was not someone he had known for years, it was a woman he had just met on Tinder. They had been talking. He refused to show me the convo because apparently there was nothing there... but there was. They just had it set to delete after 24 hours and he didn't want me to see what they had been talking about. I found out he sent her pictures/videos of me giving him head or whatever. He had a 100% sexual relattionship with this girl like it was nothing. Novels exchanged back and forth about what they'd do to each other when they saw each other. I found her on snapchat, I talked to her myself. I found out he mentioned killing her in a snuff film and roped me in on that plan but never talked to me about it and he thought it was funny to do this because he didn't want me to keep talking to her.

He made me push away everyone from my friends to my therapist and my only options were the drugdealer he introduced me to and this woman he tried to cheat on me with. He was trying to convince me I was crazy so I would believe his lied easier. He watched me falling apart at his hand and kept trying to emotionally and mentally torture me while also being extremely physically abusive.

We got into a really bad argument and he told me to kill myself. I got so upset about that and everything at once that I turned to heroin. I started to shoot it up within a few days and one night I came close to dying. I chipped a tooth and I was a mess. I told him what happened and he got so upset with me that I would put him in that position that he left. I didn't hear from him for hours and then we fought endlessly. I never touched the stuff after that.

As we approached his birthday at the end of October we had one argument after another. I got this nasty feeling out of nowhere that this women from his past had resurfaced and they met up. I asked him about it and he said she mentioned I followed her on social media platforms (she followed me). He never really talked about what conversation they had where she said that until later. I was spending so much money on his birthday gifts, and he would disappear the entire time he was home from work. He would ignore me or pick fights with me while he was away and then "sleep" the whole time he was home. This went on for a while. I booked a trip for his birthday weekend and he just didn't answer me. I showed up and he didn't answer. I left and he got back to me hours later. He begged me to come back, I refused. I said happy birthday to him and he blamed me for him being alone.I went back over to his house with a cake, his clean and folded laundry, and a couple of things I couldn't return. Some I could. He grabbed the bag and threw it on the floor. He didn't say hello. He had been up and ordered food for himself. He laid in bed and didn't speak to me. I tried to talk to him and he blew me off. So, I was fed up and I told him I wanted the stuff I bought and I was leaving. He started hitting me so I called my sister. She said if she didn't hear back from me in 2 minutes she was calling the police. He kept hitting me, wouldn't let me get anything I paid for, knowing he is on parole and would go back to jail if they came to his house he wouldn't stop. He tried to seduce me at one point and I said no, he let it go quickly because he did not want me at all, especially then. My sister called the cops and he punched me in the face so hard my tooth went through my lip. My shirt was ripped. I met the police outside and told them to leave and they did. He didn't get in trouble. He contacted me the next day asking me for the 1 of the 3 items I ended up getting back and I agreed he could have them. He apologized and begged me to still go away with him for Halloween. I told him if he said he was sorry for punshing me in the face I would.

A week later, right before Halloween, I spent so much money to get stuff for our trip and we didn't go. He refused to say he was sorry for what he did until after we missed it. Of course it was my fault for ruining his favorite holiday. As a 30 year old.

10 days later is when I found out what romantic heartbreak feels like. I can still feel it now. I've had this dull ache in my chest since that day. It was 11/10/2020 and I had asked him 37 fucking times to tell me about his interactions with the woman we met from Tinder and he made excuse after excuse. I finally just asked her. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey, why'd you delete me off Snapchat?

Tinderella: Hey, sorry, that was a while ago. I didn't think you wanted anything to do with me.

M: Oh, weird. I just saw you looked at my snap story as my friend this week.

M: Anyways, I was wondering if you'd be interested in meeting up with me and another guy?

T: Oh? Are you not with him anymore?

M: I don't know what's going on with him, I don't even think he knows what's going on with him.

T: Yeah, he was pretty out of it the last time we fucked.

Queue a long pause here, insert heart shattering.

M: Haha, yeah.. he's a mess. But I didn't know yous met up.

T: Yeah, it was the week you were going through a lot.

This random woman from Tinder acknowledged that hard time for me more than he ever did in that sentence. I called him right away and screamed how upset I was and that I knew what he did. He blew me off so I hung up. That conversation lasted 49 seconds. I sent him a message saying that I couldn't believe he cheated on me. With her. The week of my brother's death anniversary. After he hit me and used me as a masturbation tool and convinced me I wasn't giving him enough. He could have slept with her on camera for me, or with me there and chose to do it behind my back to hurt me. He lied to me. He avoided me 37 times in almsot 3 months. I was done.

His response... "Oh stop, it's always poor you." I wasn't even sure if I cared enough to pick up my pieces and he kept contacting me being vile and then switched to needing me. He tricked me and convinced me to go to his house and promised to tell me the other things he had been keeping from me. He was going to let me go through his phone. I knew he would delete whatever he wanted before I got there but I agreed. From the second I walked in he attacked me like I cheated. He refused to give me any info. I sat in his bed picturing him with her for hours while he slept. Eventually I left. We argued for days and days, I begged him to tell me what he was still keeping from me and he told me it was nothing. He wanted to see a video of when a friend of mine was over and I refused to show him until he told me what else he was keeping from him. Over 24 hours later he came over and showed me his phone. He admitted to talking to the girl from his past that I had a feeling about over a month ago. On Halloween she reached out and he tried to get her to go to his house but she was busy. He wouldn't let me look at anything else and I eventually just let it go. And then I just stopped fighting. We were fine.

The Thanksgiving mentioned in the introduction came and went and I was barely a shell of a human at that point. I ended up meeting up with a friend to get molly. I went straight to his house afterwards and we had a great night but got way too fucked up. I eventually fell asleep and he went through my phone. He recorded a 1+ hour video of what was in my phone. He didn't find anything, but he tried to send me screenshots and attack me for the nothing he found. I was so loyal to him, even when we argued and I went on Tinder it was short-lived conversations with people I don't remember and was just a tool I used to get me through us not talking and to remember how I wasn't going to find anything like what I felt for him.

I told him the only way to make anything even would be if I got to go through his phone. He waited hours then agreed. By the time he came over, I'm asssuming he had removed everything he thought would incriminate him. I insisted on being able to view his phone unsupervised and he refused. He kept taking his phone back and then I found it. A 34 second clip on the one girl he used to hook up with putting her shirt on and jumping off the bed. The camera used to take it and where it was positioned told me it was really recent. He cheated on me again. He lied to me this whole time. He didn't even know when it was. I found out that he was recently talking to the one girl he had been involved with before me, the one I thought I was replacing. They talked so much they had a gold heart status on Snapchat, indicating they talked a lot more than he let on. Like always. I go noting from that other than he briefly talked to her and she blocked him. The woman he physically cheated with was supposedly blocked too even though she blocked him. I read what was there of their conversation way later.

From December 5th until January 16th I begged him with tears flooding out of my eyes to tell me what else he was keeping from me. He refused. He said there was nothing. But there was always something. I kept finding out more and more. Every time I felt something I was right. He kept lying about that and small stuff. He tried to trick me into thinking he was coming to see me so that I wouldn't make other plans and when I caught on and demanded he admit he was lying he started to attack me. He bullied me constantly and was still hitting me. By January 16th I had reached out to the woman I replaced and asked her side of things. She told me that they had been talking almost the whole time but that they had times they didn't speak for a bit. She showed me screenshots of him inviting her to his house in September. He asked her to go on the Colorado trip with him. He missed her. He said I was just a dyke that did shit for him. And then she said it.. she told me about this girl he was hooking up with a lot when they first started talking and how she lived close and had slept over. He secretly filmed this person engaging in sexual acts with him for the replaced. She told me this person was the woman in the 34 second video. I felt my heart drop. Whatever was left of it was on the floor in a puddle of my tears. I was stopped dead in my tracks and couldn't breathe. Had he been meeting up with her the whole time? But he hated her smell. Has he been cheating this whole fucking time? But he only wanted me...

I told him that I had proof he had more information to share and gave him a week to own it. He refused and maintained that I knew everything. I reached out to one ex, the one he claims is the only other girl he ever loved. She told me to run as fast as I could if I could because it will only get worse. So, one night I went through his phone while he slept and deleted any pictures and videos I could find. I decided that I was going to be done. This time for real.

I found out that he spoke with this woman as late as October 5th, he asked her to do something she wasn't comfortable doing but I didn't know what. I found out that this woman he was friends with, his dead best friend's baby mom, a woman who was married and only messaged him to send pictures of the son she shared with his dead best friend was actually someone he used to sleep with as well. He sent her a video of him jerking off 2 weeks proir to me looking at his phone on January 22nd. He had a large collection of nudes from women on Snapchat. He was talking to so many people. People he deleted to show me his phone because their add date was December 7th. His Tinder showed me he never stopped talking to anyone on there. His phone exposed secrets that I wish I didn't find out. When he found out he was furious. He threated to get me fired and to kill me. He threatened to end me. Then he asked me for his camera back because he had a job lined up. The job was him taking pictures of a girl he met on Tinder for her OnlyFans account. Apparently. That as the 5th story I got about it and I'll never know if that was real or not. I gave him the camera back. I just wanted him out of my life. Well, he weaseled his way back in. Again. He would show up crying and make me feel bad about him not having anyone. This continued on through Valentine's Day. I put him on my phone plan like an idiot and we were actually doing okay as friends. He refused to accept that we were never getting back together and still treated me like his property. He was the one that cheated and made himself for everyone and I remained loyal to only him even after all that. It wasn't until the week after Valentine's Day that I even hooked up with anyone else. When I finally did I thought I would be free of him, but I wasn't there yet.

It wasn't until 5 days ago that I finally decided I was done for good. He attacked my character and accused me of being a person I never was for the last time. He treated me like I did what he did. I didn't even treat him that way. I was tired of defending myself. I was tired of being talked about like that. I was tired. So, I dropped him off at home and I went to see a friend. I had a great night and he tried to attack me the next day, but I was really done so I rejected everything he said and told him that I didn't want him to contact me anymore. If he refused to respect my boundary on that then I would shut off his phone. He, of course, tested this and we are now in the 24 hour countdown for him to return the phone to me before I report it stolen.

I have said things to him that were hateful recently, I have used secrets he told me against him recently, I have been cold, I have been doing my own thing. I never lead him on or lead him to think we would ever be anything more than whatever was in that moment. I do love him, I do want him, I fucking wish he could stop trying to be so manipulative, I wish he would stop trying to spin the little bit I've done to be so bad and make himself a victim of abuse from me, I wish we could just be happy. I fucking miss him. I know that he is meeting anyone off tinder, getting nudes from them and sharing his parts too. I know that he can have the same conversations with them that he would with me. I know that my spot is easily taken in his life. I'm fucking heart broken. I'm so sad all the time. I just wanted to feel the safeness he gives me when we lay together. I want to feel his skin on my lips. I would even take a full day of his disrespectful temper just to see any one of his smiles. I wanted to keep him so so so bad. But for the first time in my life, I put me first... and actually meant it. I am tired of meeting people that take and take and give nothing back. I'm tired of being told I don't do shit and I ain't shit. I'm tired of not being appreciated and celebrated. I want to meet a me. I cycle through this a lot. Multiple times an hour. I think about his smile or his walk or the feeling of his hands and I miss him, I almost make up an excuse to talk to him. Then I think of a way he's wronged me and spiral into a museum of the things he did to twist the knife he ever so carelessly placed in my back. And then I feel sick to my stomach.

I'm not that kind of crazy, and I'm not that stupid. How is it possible that I fell in love alone? How is it possible that I love someone that doesn't really exist? How is it possible that I love someone that isn't even capable of seeing me as a person? I still miss him. It took me weeks and weeks to finish this and at the end I was hoping to have an actual ending, but I'm just stuck on repeat. I'm so lost and I only feel happiness in the brief moments he allows the illusion he sold me as a day dream to come in. It sounds crazy, but in these moments I would gladly take the abuse to see his fucking smile. I look at picturesof him constantly. I count second on the clock for the moment to pass so it's hopefully one more closer to this agony being over. If I'm not lovesick for him, I'm torturing myself by looking through the photo albums of betrayal that I have from him. I gave him everything I could, I was the best I've ever been in a relationship. I gave him parts of me no one ever got. I love him. And some Covid princess is going to feel the same connection to him that I did, the same pull that tugged me out of every comfort zone, the same passion that I thought could only be between 2 people that had a soul level connection, she's going to get a better version of him than I have in months. She's going to get him and get to keep that as a positive memory. She won't get the abuse or the heartache. She'll be treated with basic human decency, she'll have a nice time and feel good about herself walking away from him. She'll look forward to hearing from him and he'll reach out to her. He'll chase her. He'll be good to her and the 15 others just like her. I'll still be here, missing him. Trying to figure out how to let go of a mirage. He'll reach out between women to tell me he needs me and try to convince me to come over, or worse, won't contact me at all. I cannot let myself think he's anything but evil for I will be doomed to repeat all of this... but could I fall in love with evil? Could I have had the best connection with someone that I've ever had and it not be real? At 30 years old now it just feels like this is all life is for me and I feel like giving up every day. I wish I could afford therapy. Logically, feeling so hopeless over a failed relationship with someone that purposely made me hate myself and purposely withheld love and affection from and abused me and betrayed me and violated my boundaries and my trust seems insane.. and yet I still feel such a deep sadness over this loss that I cannot even put it into words.

I hope I can look back on this a year from now and laugh at myself for thinking this was the best I could ever hope for. I hope that I find myself and get through these murky waters.

I'm going to do a conclusion post eventually, I will include screenshots from our conversations and any videos I can without revealing any personal details, but its now 8am and I'm soul tired.