The battle of overcoming my eating disorder.
After 15 Years I won my battle.
When I was little, I had a normal, awesome childhood. I was always running around, playing with my brother and just doing what kids do. When I got older, it was like overnight, that I noticed my thighs were thicker, my stomach had some extra weight on it and I thought to myself, "How did this happen." I wasn't upset about it, until everyone around me started talking about my weight. Telling me I was too pretty to weigh so much, that for a lady my thighs were too big and one summer I still remember the day I was told my legs were too big to be wearing shorts.
I even got yelled at for eating blueberries and till this day I do not eat them. Everytime time I see them I get reminding of what had happened.
My mental took a turn for the worse and that begun the 15 years of my disorder, at the time though, I thought I was doing everything right. Even though I had nothing to worry about. I was never big, overweight etc. It was a picture painted in my head, by other people who wanted me to look like what they thought was perfect.
Not eating for days: I still remember how I would starve myself for days, the most 2 or 3 days not eating anything. Only drinking water, but not much though because I was afraid to gain any kind of weight. I saw the results on the scale which made me happy, I was finally losing some weight, but after a couple days of eating all the weight came back plus some. So, after months and months of the same routine I started something new.
Throwing up meals: When I got tired of not seeing any results, got tired of being hungry and got tired of being depressed. I thought, hey, what if I still ate, but afterwards threw up my meals. That way I wouldn't be gaining weight but my body would still be getting some kind of nutrients. I still remember trying to be quiet as I forced myself to throw up in the bathroom. Sometimes, I'm pretty sure somebody heard me, we lived in a small house, but no one never asked if anything was wrong.
Weight loss pills: I was a freshman in highschool, when I was taken to walmart for the first time to buy a waist trainer and weight loss supplements. I remember being told that the weight loss trainer was going to shed the weight right off me because it was gong to make me sweat and the pills were going to curb my appetite. I remember thinking that this was going to be it, that I would finally be perfect. I would be like i'm supposed too and that I would fit in with all the other girls at school. All the while being told that I didn't need to go to the doctor. All women do is complain that their thyroid doesn't work, that's what all women say, I was told. Apparently to my family there was no such thing as thyroid disease.
After months of taking those pills and wearing that waist trainer I never lost a pound. So you would think at that point I would be taken to a doctor right, I mean, obviously that should have been the first thing they did. But, at least they could have taken me now, right? Nope. I was given different pills. Again, my hopes were raised and each time I stepped on the scale the numbers never changed.
Depression: I literally hated myself. All I wanted was to look like every other girl I saw or knew. I wished I could wear crop tops, a bathing suit, shorts and not feel disgusted with myself. Sometimes the depression got so bad that I wished I could do my own liposuction, that all of this was a bad dream and when I woke up I would be skinny. At that time, when I looked in the mirror I knew that if I was anybody else, my life would be so much better. Being so depressed made me so tired, I would sleep for days, hating the fact that eventually I would have to get out of bed. As I grew older and finally finished high school I had lost 20lbs. To most people they would be happy, but for me, I still had a long way to go.
Strict diet: When I was 18 I had a heart valve infection and my spleen removed. As if I wasn't already too paranoid about what I ate, now everything was out the window. Due to my heart, and my own desire to be skinny I came up with a vary strict diet for myself that when I look back on today, I have no idea how I did it. Instead of telling you what I cut out of my diet, it's a lot easier to say what I just ate. 3 salads a day, consisted of spinach, olives, tomatoes, croutons, garlic & herb toppings with a sprinkle of cheese. I ate that everyday, 3 times a day for 2 years. I only drank water and coffee. As the years went by I started opening up to different foods, only because I was getting confirmation from my friends and family that I looked good now. In my mind that was the green light, but still I wasn't happy. I needed to lose more.
Break through: After meeting the man, whom became my husband I was finally able to start fully loving myself. At first it wasn't easy, I still felt bad after eating meals. But everyday then and now he tells me how beautiful I am, at first I thought he was just talking, but now I believe him because now I know I am beautiful. He pulled me through my darkest days: when I lied about not liking certain foods, when I told him I wasn't hungry when I was, and when I lied and told him I knew I was perfect even when I couldn't stand looking in the mirror.
When someone truly loves you and knows you, they will know when you are lying and need help. And he knew. He took action, he would cook knowing I would eat what he made, when I said I didn't like something he would buy it anyway, and when I said I wasn't hungry he would make me something to eat. He was the first person that understood me and loved me for who I was and who I am today. He was the first person I opened up to about my disorder and he was the first to help me get better.
Till this day he always asks me if i'm hungry, how i'm feeling, what i'm thinking about, making sure i'm okay mentally and emotionally. When I told him how tired I was feeling and just off, we scheduled an appointment with the doctor and after some blood work found out I actually have a thyroid condition. After those years being told that wasn't possible. Who would have guessed, right?
For those of you who have gone through what I have gone through I want you to know that you're not alone. I truly understand what it is like, and for the ones who have won their battle with me, I am so, so happy for you and proud. For the ones reading this now, suffering still, I want you to know it will get better. Your day will come, you will win your battle.