The 5-Minute Rule

For the first few years after my brain injury, whenever I was faced with making a decision I would momentarily freeze. My mind would go blank, I’d stare into space, and I became catatonic (in other words, in an immobile or unresponsive stupor). Being in an already-stressful environment would make it even more pronounced. This involuntary behavior caused a great deal of misunderstanding and argument in our household and amongst family. It tested the limits of my marriage and my sanity, until I learned how to deal with it. Thanks to the Ontario Brain Injury Association and Brock University for helping me put this approach into practice. I think it's helpful for everyone who finds themselves decision-making challenged.

“Where do you want to go for dinner?”

“I don’t know.”

“How about The Keg or Red Lobster?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Your choice. You decide.”

“I don’t care.”

“Why can’t you make just one decision? I’m JUST ASKING YOU WHERE YOU WANT TO EAT!!”

“I’m not hungry now.”

“Well, we have to eat. Where are we going?”

“I don’t care! I’m not hungry! Leave me alone!”

And then finally, I exit stage right, bawling in frustration.

Sound familiar? Brain injury and depression are sly partners; they work in conjunction to make even simple decisions difficult. What’s even stranger is they strike at any time, or not at all. I was able to make ‘big’ decisions at work, but if I was put on the spot about where to eat for dinner, I’d become so confused I couldn’t decide.

Drop me into a drugstore aisle, and it would take me 10 minutes to pick out the brand and type of bandages I needed to buy. In the grocery store, I would look at all the romaine, picking up a few for a closer look, and then walk away sans romaine.

The inability to make simple decisions is linked to both brain injury and depression. Some doctors have told me it happens because I’m depressed; others insist that it is a result of my injury. But given that 75 per cent of individuals who sustain a TBI experience post-injury depression, I consider myself firmly planted in both camps. But does it really matter? I think not; the problem lies in the effect it has on our lives and the lives of those around us.

But here’s a neat technique, one of the most valuable pearls of wisdom I learned while studying brain rehabilitation. It’s called the “five-minute rule”, and here’s how it works, using the previous conversation as a starting point:

Example 1:

“Where do you want to go for dinner?”

“I don’t know.”

“How about The Keg or Red Lobster?”

“Give me five minutes. Let me think about it.”

“Sure, no problem. I’ll check back with you in about five minutes.”

And partner/spouse/friend/family member exits stage right.

See how that works? Instead of becoming overwhelmed by the question, I take a time out. I stop what I’m doing, and I think about what I’d like to eat. My partner has narrowed it to two choices, so this makes it simpler. There’s no pressure, and no one is staring at me awaiting an answer.

By asking for five minutes, I have created the mental and emotional space to decide.

This five-minute rule requires the active participation of both parties, but it’s easy and very effective. It manages expectations and creates a cooling-off period for both individuals. The ‘asker’ avoids getting frustrated through simply walking away, and the person with the injury has a few moments to think in a safe and calm environment.

I often think this simple technique saves our marriage. We use it regularly, and it allows us to be kind and thoughtful to each other, instead of reacting inappropriately and escalating the tension.

Tip: The 5-minute Rule is just as effective in the workplace. Before I learned this technique, I had a tough time when someone would ask me for something and stand waiting in front of me. I often froze and went blank, or I snapped with an inappropriate response. Now, my response is, “Give me five minutes while I look for/print/finish up/make a call and I’ll get right back to you.” If your colleague continues to stand and stare, it’s fine to say, “But I can’t do what you’d like me to do while you’re hovering.” And if he or she still doesn’t get the hint, just say, “I need to go to the washroom first,” and leave your desk.