The 2nd Sock

The 2nd sock

One of the ways I knew something was wrong with me, that maybe, just maybe I might be depressed was the day of what I call the 2nd sock situation.

It was early spring, so my allergies were in full swing. I had taken a 2nd dose of allergy meds so I had a chance of breathing through the night. I managed to, but that 2nd dose also made me super sleepy so unsurprisingly I slept right through the alarm. I woke up 2 hours late for work. Called in said I had overslept and would be in as soon as I could. Wolfed down some cold pizza hopped in the shower and started to put on my uniform for my fabulous job in fast food. I was sitting on the bed pants on, shirt on, one sock on, about to put on the 2nd sock and I stopped. Just staring into space for a few minutes, then 10, then 15. I flopped back onto the bed; 2nd sock still in my hand. I laid there for 6 hoiurs, not sleeping, not moving, not even really thinking of anything. There was an occasional thought that drifted by like a cloud on a mostly clear day. I thought of my niece, 4 years old she had recently passed from cancer. Tears welled in my eyes and fell. I was technically crying, but no wracking sobs, no sounds were made.

The phone rang at some point, work calling to ask where the hell I was. I didn’t answer, didn’t move, didn’t even have the conversation in my head about where I was why I was even later than expected, why I didn’t call back and say I wasn’t coming in. None of that even occurred to me to think about. I eventually had to pee, that got me up. Did that got back into my pajamas and back to bed, slept for about 14 more hours. The next Friday I went and turned in my uniform and picked up my last check, no call no show does tend to get one fired.

Today 20 some years later. I’m on disability for depression and a few other things so no job to be late for. I had taken some NyQuil not because I’m sick just to sleep through the night. I slept a good 10 hours and woke up at 8:30. I spent a half hour adjusting to being awake, checked email and face book and scrolled through TikTok a bit on my phone. I made myself some bacon and eggs for breakfast, showered. I was sitting on my bed pants on, shirt on, one sock on, about to put the 2nd sock on and I stopped. Staring into space for a few minutes, then 10, then 15. Just sitting there staring at my one naked foot. I snapped out of it, put the 2nd sock on and then my shoes, grabbed my keys and got out the door. A quick walk to the library to pick up some books I had on hold. Then back home and writing this. I sit here and wonder is this a victory? Is this progress? And with a not insignificant amount of dread; Is this how it’s always going to be?

After 20 years, 13 mental health professionals, a mix therapists and psychologists, and over twenty different pills, countless supplements and exercise programs, mindfulness practice. Is this as good as it gets? Maybe a few weeks of “normal” a few weeks of sleeping right and having enough energy to do laundry and dishes before a bad night derails everything and the house goes to hell and takes my mental state with it.