Thankful

You aren't thankful. You aren't grateful. You're lazy. You just don't care.

The words echoed throughout my younger years as I sat at home and even as I sat in class, wondering what was next. Day-to-day drumming away the time I'd been given on this earth. So many people around me constructing their plans in a well-laid fashion. Many would go on to do great things, like college and marriage. Others would go on to do terrible things to the blame of society's failings or their own deviance.

But I was always just there. Never really laying out a plan and never following through. I was "going with the flow" but not even really by choice. A relationship happened which inevitably led to marriage. A full-time job leading to promotions and bigger apartments. All the bland and frankly dull elements of what regular American life is summed up to be, and yet something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

I grew up in a home plagued with the horrors of alcoholism and abandonment issues, neither of which need further detail than that of their titles. I was forced as a young child to make a choice that so many people never have to face;

To feel? Or to not?

Making this decision at such a young age, I opted for the choice that offered me shelter from the fear. I chose to not feel. I began to dissociate and isolate myself from others. Developing sociopathic tendencies as I would study and imitate emotional reactions from others to assimilate without ever truly feeling the emotions. Only during brief moments of selfish gain did I feel the deceptive glint of greed, though I perceived as it happiness. This continued on throughout all elements of my adult life. In my friendships, my work, and even my relationship. I was the "good" friend and the "good" husband. But it was a lie. A lie I had carried on so long that I had begun to believe myself. I accepted the reality I had created. My emotions weren't real but what context did I have to tell the difference? I had chosen not to feel at such a young age, hiding from the screams outside the closet door, that I had no way of knowing true emotion. Nothing broke the barrier down and dug up true emotion. Not even the positive pregnancy test my wife showed me when I got home from work that night.

The next few weeks were spent shopping and talking with friends about the excitement of a new baby. A boy? A girl? What did I want? The truth? I didn't. Because I had no idea how to be a father. How to be that emotional protector who would give up his life to protect his young. But then, something happened that I cannot explain.

I heard your heartbeat.

All the voices, the people, the problems, the crying, the "emotions" had all honestly not been real to me. But this...this sound resonating on a monitor along with my own heartbeat spiraled me into another world.

Love. Fear. Regret. Excitement. Realization.

This was emotion. I actually felt the excitement from the pit of my stomach racing to my heart. I c0uldn't sleep, eat, or hardly focus on work. All I could think about was my daughter. I knew it was a girl. It was too early to tell, but you would be named Aurora. I saw you in my mind as I see the world around me now.

I felt the love when I listened to your heartbeat.

I felt the fear when the pain began in my wife's stomach.

I felt relief when the tests came back normal and I heard your heartbeat again.

And I felt the betrayal when you were gone hours later. In a dark hospital room crying to a God that wouldn't answer me. Begging the nurses to do anything while my wife was passed out from exhaustion.

Life went on without you, but something in me stayed behind. That night in the hospital I had felt every possible emotion all at once after going twenty years imitating them all. Losing you broke that fake person and now I'm left still learning the truth of feeling love and the value of human life. Stricken with anxiety and depression, you taught me to feel. What am I thankful for? The truth is that I don't care who reads this article. I don't care about some competition. I just want to take this armor off. It's gotten so heavy. I just wanted to thank you Aurora for breaking that fake wall and exposing me. I'm on the road to healing because of you.

Thank you. I hope that someday I'll tell you face to face.