Thank God I Didn't Know Then What I Know Now

For reasons not fully understood by myself just yet I decided to watch a movie I watched a lot when I was a teenager and struggling with my mental health in a big way. The movie was 'Girl, Interrupted' and the year was approximately 2003. I was about 15 I think maybe a bit younger and I watched this movie a lot. Like so much. Like, definitely, for sure, too much. It didn't make me feel good. It's very upsetting in a lot of ways and yet it was in my regular rotation then. I hadn't watched in about 17 years. Then I did. It was a trip. In good and bad ways. By that I mean it literally caused an emotional flashback, causing me to relive how I felt then; lost, confused, stuck, unsure of what I was doing what I was doing, not knowing what to call my actions or why they made me feel better. I felt anxious, desperate, lonely, fearful, drawn and repulsed by the mental illness I didn't understand. It was rough. But in a really good way.

Here's the thing, at that time I was struggling most with disordered eating, self-injury, unstable relationships, a complete inability to manage my own emotions without using another person to do it for me, I had not yet had my anxiety or depression diagnosed. I was developing co-dependent relationship patterns, experimenting with drinking which, in true fashion, made everything worse, I had debilitating self-hatred, low self-esteem, and no sense of self. Part of what I was so drawn to in the movie was how these women also didn't seem to know why they were the way they were.

In time life would happen, as it does, and I would have other things to try to make sense of like grief, loss, death, love, romantic relationships, and so much therapy. The years of therapy ahead. I had no idea. I did, however, have the good fortune of being able to attend college at a time that counseling was free to students. This allowed me to have about 4 years of therapy for free. That's a lot of fucking sessions. I needed every single one. And years more.

So fast forward to 17 years later, after approximately a decade of therapy in total, and I am here, still finding things to heal and manage about my mental health. I choose to watch a movie I know, at minimum, will be difficult for me to watch. So why did I do it? I'm not entirely sure. I think most likely it was to assess if I was ready to make friends (see comfort zone stretchies for more on that) and to see if I could now manage the emotions and hard memories that come up when watching something that has such potent past feelings tied to it. Fun fact about memories, the way we felt is the last thing to fade so I knew, for sure, I was going on an emotional roller coaster through the past. The good news is I did manage it. Well even. It brought up some of the most intense anxiety I have felt in a long time and an emotional flashback, that I managed. I self soothed, I reflected, and I returned to baseline within a few hours. That was something I couldn't even articulate as a need back then, and here I was, with my cats, doing the damn thing casually on a Thursday.

In my reflection about it I said to myself 'Thank God I didn't know then what I know now' because if I had then, any idea, how massive of an undertaking my mental health journey was going to be, I'm not sure I would've ever started it. Maybe I still would have. I won't rule it out -- I'm a resilient stalk, but it's also very possible I would've spent the next 17 years running away from starting, too overwhelmed at all that was ahead of me, focusing instead on finding relief and release. I can't say for sure what would've happened, but I suspect I would've continued to self-harm, probably develop an addiction to drugs and alcohol, have inappropriate relationships with emotionally unavailable people in riskier settings, and not have gone to college.

It's fun to look back sometimes and think about the paths we would've taken, the money making decisions we would've for sure jumped on, but most often I think it's more true that the greatest gift the universe gives us is not knowing. My life now is far more beautiful, happier, and healthier than teenage me could have ever imagined. I wouldn't have learned that while yes, the healing process itself is a massive pain in the ass, the outcome is always worth it, I wouldn't have had my best years because all my best years are now and knowledge, even if known, is seldom accepted until we learn it for ourselves. Going back and knowing what we know now would likely be a burden far too big to bare, so I'll say it once more, to the universe, with deep, profound, gratitude:

Thank God I didn't know then what I know now.