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Talking to Myself

by Abygael Silvers 2 years ago in depression
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cw: suicide ideation

Talking to Myself
Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Nothing really felt like it was going to work out to be honest, everything in my life now felt completely and utterly hopeless. All that was left was a deep, intolerable pain that was left in the pit of my stomach.

It felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper into a deep, endless pool and it was all my fault, because I had jumped right into the pool all by my own volition. I jumped two feet into the deep end when I could barely handle the shallowest part of the pool. All that was left to do was to survive and that was going to be the hardest part of all of this, surviving.

To me, I had so desperately wanted to die. I didn’t want to continue on living anymore. It didn’t matter what happened or who could tell me otherwise, because I could not bea the thought of living any longer. Life and all things felt void of any meaning. As time went on, I felt like I was suffocating and the pressure of everything felt so endless, like no matter what, that was never going to end. My life at this point was just endless suffering.

But no matter what, I had to try and hold on to hope for something, anything. I had to try and have some hope. Some semblance of hope, at least, otherwise it was over for me and I was going to drown.

That feeling terrified me so much, so very much. I didn’t want to drown. Despite everything, I didn’t want to drown and I didn’t want to keep drowning. Please, don’t let me drown. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to lose everything I care about.

But it was too late at this point, I had already lost everything. I had already lost anything that would have mattered to be quite honest. There was nothing left for me here.

But I had so much to live for! I had just started working towards my degree for school. I had just taken my placement exams and did really good on all the tests. I mean, come on, what was I thinking with all this? I had so many things to live for.

I was a warrior of a woman, I had faced so much adversity. And this? This was what was going to finally kill me? Are you kidding me? How could I be so pathetic?

But it didn’t really matter what I had faced before this, because right now, I wanted so much to just die and not be alive anymore. And that hurt so very much. I was a monster and I was not worthy of this life anymore. I was a terrible, awful person unworthy of any of the things I got up until this point. I was no longer worthy of any of this. I was a monster. I had hurt so many people. I had caused so many people such immense pain and indescribable suffering. And now, I couldn’t really do it anymore. I couldn’t keep hurting people.

But that’s life, isn’t it, it's unavoidable to hurt some people sometimes. I can do my best not to cause people pain, but that’s just not something you can keep from doing all the time.

That doesn’t make it hurt any less though and that doesn’t excuse my actions. Ultimately, I can’t run away from myself and I can’t keep doing these things. I need to do better. I want to do better. I want to be a good person.

Please, give me the strength to fix this.

depression

About the author

Abygael Silvers

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