Your illness does not define you. It's your resolve to recover that does.
I don't belong here. I'm sick, not crazy. I squinted into the light as the girl, unknown to me except by her howls, thumped the floor. She rose from the ground, tore every pseudo-inspirational poster off the dank walls and hurled them towards me. "What are you doing here? Cause a pretty little white girl like you sure ain't in here for trying to kill your mama like me." I mumbled something indiscernible as she moved to her next victim. Three white-cloaked men appeared, shot a liquid into her backside, and dragged her away.
It Gets Better Pt2
After having my boyfriend read the first part and explain to me that I focused too much on the bad, and not enough on the good side (and that the ending was so vague) I went back to review it and he was right. I told you guys it gets better but, I never explained how it got better, how I am now. I guess I expected you guys to read my other articles and piece it together. But here we go:
It Gets Better
Ever feel like nobody can relate to you? Like you're alone in this world? Like nothing you do matters? Feel as if the whole world hates you? And makes everything harder specifically for you? If so... you're not alone.
Seven. Seven years old, and my first diagnosis appeared on my lap like an unwanted animal, begging for attention. I didn't know what ADHD was, or even if it was a real thing, and not just random letters in the alphabet. How was I to know that the reason for my constant "story telling," the way I always tapped my foot while the teacher was talking, or interrupting class just to say something that didn't even pertain to what was being taught, was my very own diagnosis?
How Not to Die
When I was in my junior year of high school I started to be more anxious than usual. I began to have insomnia and since I was taking such hard classes and studying for my SATs I became very distant from myself and my needs. Eventually it got to a point where I would spend days without eating a proper meal or sleeping. I am only human, but in my obsession with being perfect I became so ill I was hospitalized for 10 days do to heart failure. My body gave up on me; the lack of food and sleep got me down to 84 pounds, which led to feeding tubes down my nose and painful needles everywhere. I didn’t want to accept it, I always thought this was just a coincidence and that I was fine, I just needed to get through the year and everything would go back to the way it was. However, as you can guess that wasn’t the case. I developed depression and became such a ghost of a person I stopped recognizing myself. This went on for over a year until it became so much for me I started to harm myself in many ways, no need to mention them, you can guess. I became obsessed with death and the peace I thought it would bring me. I planned it many times in my head, I even started leaving notes for my friends and family so they would have something to hold on to when I was no longer here. So, trust me when I say I know what it feels like to see no choice, no light whatsoever in the life you’re living. But take it from a survivor of such a horrible illness, you can make it through.
The Beginning of a Long Voyage
Overcoming mental illness is a process that affects every part of your life. It is a constant battle between the brain and the self. One of the worst aspects of this affliction is so often the brain and the self feel as though they are together on this horrible journey. The brain being such a powerful organ it can seemingly control every aspect of your life during mental illness. It feels as though the two are completely inseparable.
Fighting the War on Depression & Anxiety: My Story
So let me set the scene. A few years ago I wasn't the person I am today, I used to have really bad bouts of anger, nothing helped! It was if I had no mental control over my emotions which then meant having no control over my physical self.
An Open Letter to the Abused
An Open Letter to the Abused: Hey. First I want to say I am sorry. I am sorry for what happened to you. I am sorry you are hurting. I get it. I was abused too and it's painful and traumatizing. It's not fair and it's not ok. I want you to know that it's not your fault. I don't care what your abuser said to you, they are a liar! Your abuse is not your fault and you didn't deserve it.
I really wonder what has happened to me. In my school, when I was bullied, I turned into some kind of a wise, mature person. I became alone and I felt lonely. But that gave me the chance to explore introspection. I began to wonder what's the point of teaching about morals and kindness when "no one" (my class was like my whole world to me) is going to learn them. I was bullied as a feminine boy so I began to wonder why can't people see that a boy is a boy no matter what. I began to think like this and then for some reason, I felt I had started thinking on a universe level. I began to wonder what was the purpose of our existence. To take birth, to study, to give exams, to get a job, to get married, to have children, and then die? In fact, why do we have children when we find them annoying to raise? And then they leave us afterwards (a majority of them maybe). Anyway, but that was 4-5 years ago. Within 2 years after that, my classmates changed but not all of them. They all still bullied me but mildly then since we all were in our final two grades. We had to focus on our grades. But they became a bit friendly with me. It made me felt nice. But I guess that was a bad thing that shouldn't have happened. My brain changed its course of thinking. It went down from universal thinking to an average person's thinking and I felt I had dulled myself. I stopped thinking about universe and people.
Remembering the Past
The following excerpt is something I wrote a couple of years ago to help heal a wound inside of me. It's about my sexual abuse experience, so it may be triggering for some and may help others feel less alone.
You're Not the Only One...
You're not the only one that wonders if you're the only one like you. You're not the only one that cries because you want to give up on life and end it all.
Depression & Getting Over It
Lately, I've been in touch with parts of me I have ignored for years. Some of these hidden in corners, memories that I wish I could forget. Past lives I wish I hadn't lived and self-destructive cycles that seem to ignite me the same way every time.