Survivors Guilt

Survivors' guilt is defined as a certain kind of guilt that develops in people who have survived a life-threatening situation. Some say that they feel guilty that they survived when others have died while others say that they feel like they could have done more to save the lives of others, And some may think that they shouldn't have saved themselves. Many people with Post-traumatic Stress disorder have some kind of guilt. I guess I am one of the unlucky ones that both think that I should have died and that I also could have done more to save the other person involved. I have so much guilt in my heart I do not know where to put it. I logically know that I did not cause the event. It was not in my control. I mourn what I lost that day. I mourn for the person who died and I mourn for a piece of me that also died that day. Just because I was lucky that day doesn't mean that it was my fault but it feels like it is. I have witnessed so many awful things that it doesn't feel real.

Witnessing what I have especially at a young age changes you. When the nightmares end you have to live with the guilt. The guilt that you lived while others didn't. I am safe and the people I left behind aren't. I have survived. Survivors' guilt can be linked with PTSD at least in my case it is. I remember sitting in my therapist's office at the age of fourteen right after I was diagnosed, She kept telling me that it was not my fault but all I could think was that it was. I lived somehow and he didn't and I was supposed to move on somehow. The event happened over 1o years ago and I still feel the guilt.

It is hard, trying to "move on". It's hard to move on from something you still blame yourself for. If I wasn't running late, If I hadn't made him stop for coffee. If I hadn't made him wait for me. I know that I shouldn't blame myself, I couldn't have stopped it. The so-called war ended then why am I so scared. I know it happened a decade ago. I still walk around walking on eggshells every day. I know it seems unfair that I lived. I often think that it should have been me. When someone mentions it I feel like throwing up. If we could have somehow swapped places, He would be here smiling and that would be better than the way it is now. I still have all of this love for him it is just stuck with nowhere to go.

I think that my grief and guilt makes me want to make things better again. It is hard being the one who lived. Some days I wake up in the morning and I feel an extreme amount of guilt that I made it and he didn't. Life changes fast one day we were sitting at his dinner table talking and the next he was gone and every breath I breathe reminds me of him. When my friends and family mention the event, I start to feel sick. It affects me in a different way now that I am older. There is still a lot of guilt but it feels different. I do not think that I personally could have done anything to change the event. I still do not like to talk about it and will frequently call it the event. I know that I can not change my survivors guilt but I can learn how to live with it.