Survivor

My name is Jodi-Lynn and this is my story.

I was born December 2nd 1973 in the state of New Hampshire. I wish I could give more details, yet I have none. My parents tell me I belong to them, yet I know in my heart who my true mom is. I have yet to discover who my father is, and I probably never will. I have felt like an outsider my whole life and have discovered some facts that don't add up. I have caught my family in lies and watched them quickly create new lies to cover. I have been given information by innocent bystanders who had no idea the clue they had given me. Yet with all the deception, I have been able to piece together some of the truth.

I know that my mother was 15 when she got pregnant in a time when teenage pregnancy was taboo. She gave me up for adoption and her sister and brother-in law adopted me. I was raised as I was theirs, yet I was treated as if I was a burden and not a gift. I was always kept at arm's length by the woman who called herself my mother. My father was mean to me and cruel with his words. I grew up believing my mother just didn't really love me and my father felt I was useless. My self esteem was so low. I felt I was incapable of being loved. I even questioned what was wrong with me that caused people to hate me.

At the age of 13 my "parents" moved me to Maine and pulled me away from the only support system I had, my grandmother. I still saw her occasionally, but less and less as I got older. We moved in with my "father's" sister and her long time live in boyfriend while my "father" looked for work. My aunt's boyfriend had been trying to get me to join him and my two cousins in their sick sex games and now he had me where he could have access to me day and night. I was helpless to stop him. The molestation continued even after we found our own place as I was forced to spend nights at their house with my younger siblings when my "parents" wanted time to themselves. When I turned 16 I told them what was happening to me. At first they acted as if they didn't know. They acted upset and had many questions for me. The next day I expected things to get bad as I expected them to act and do something about what was happening to me. Instead they acted as if nothing happened. A week later they forced me to go over to his home to celebrate my cousin's graduation. I was so distraught. How could they do this to me? I contemplated suicide. I even made an attempt, that well, let's just say I was too young and didn't know what I was doing. I was also lucky to have friends that cared enough to show me there was more to life and that I would get through it.

I developed some coping skills and tried to avoid him as much as I could and life went on. Until a several years ago when I learned that my "parents" had taken a car as a bribe for keeping their mouth shut about the whole thing. Shortly before that I found out that the younger of my two cousins wanted to reach out to me about the situation and wanted my help in coming forward. My "father" encouraged me to let it go. After hearing about the car I realized he didn't care about my feeling and was not trying to protect me. He was protecting the man that was responsible for molesting, not only me, but my little sister, and my two cousins he lived with.

To this day my "parents" have a relationship with this man. It disgusts me so much that I no longer have contact with anyone in my family. I have struggled so much over the years due to the emotional trauma that man caused me, but not having the support or protection from those who were charged with doing so was what made things worse. It took me a long time to come to terms with what happened to me and although I still have a long way to go to recovery I know I am now on the right path.

I worked in mental health for 15 years and it helped me understand myself and learn how to heal. And for a long time I had felt I was over it. Until recently when I discovered that my many illnesses and behaviors I exhibit are a result of the trauma I experienced not just from the molestation, but also from the mental and emotional abuse I suffered as a child. For so many years I used the coping techniques I learned in my job, I went to counseling, and did everything text book for people with PTSD thinking I was better. Thinking I can do this.

I was so not doing it. I was not healing and my diseases were not getting better. The prescriptions they were giving me were making me sicker. I had more and more surgeries and things just kept getting worse for me. I was miserable. Just going through life not really living. Pretending I was happy because I did not want my misery to affect my husband and kids.

I had started using medical marijuana since nothing else was working for my pain. I had never used anything that was not prescribed for me and was nervous. Maine had just passed a law making medical marijuana legal and so I went to a doctor that specialized in natural healing and was now on a different path. I was hoping it would work and it did.

Far better than I would have expected. I was able to stop taking the prescriptions that were causing more problems. It was working so well my husband and I started our own company as Medical Marijuana caregivers. And for a few years things were good, yet at the time I was still in contact with my family. So I was still having some issues with my health. My natural healing doctor was working with me, giving me supplements and other natural herbs to help me heal. And all though I was doing really well physically, emotionally I was still struggling.

I started going to church for the emotional support and at the time I thought " Maybe I need to get right with God." Turns out that didn't help either. I chose to stop talking with my family, yet I still was not doing well. My husband was also dealing with a lot with his family and so we decided to just get as far away from the toxicity as we could and moved to Alaska.

The distance has helped, but it was the adventure that sparked the healing. Now the marijuana not only helps with the pain but it is helping me to open up more than ever before and I am awakened to the truth and I am on the path to healing and happiness. For so long I was looking outside of my self to find love and happiness, when I should have been looking inward. And now that I am on the right path the healing has begun. I still have a long way to go, but now I know I can beat this.