Suicide Survival

I open my eyes, & its dark. I slept the whole day. I liked sleeping because at least when I slept, it was silent. Now I’m up, & they were starting again, why would they put me in a room with someone after I just told them I wanted to kill mfs? I just couldn’t understand. I couldn’t make sense of anything & why everything was the way it was. Why me? Why didn’t I fucking die? Why can’t I be normal? Why do I think the way I think? “Seriously, what is wrong with me?” I said in a low voice as I cried. The windows were gated, all the lights were off. Pam.. What could she be doing right now? I shouldn’t be here; breathing without her around felt like shards of glass penetrating in my lungs.

“You need the help” voice 2 said. “Oh now y’all care” I replied quickly. Voice 1 shouted, “No one cares! You here, right?”. I was infuriated, “fuck you, fuck both of you; I shouldn’t be here”. Voice 1 is bold. She literally always has something smart to say. “You did it yourself.” “Because of y’all, I’m here because you bitches won’t shut the fuck up, just shut the fuck up!!” I screamed loud as hell in my head. I began counting, & every time I felt a different thought, I restarted counting. I had to keep on.. “79, 80, 81, 82…..shit, 1, 2, 3, 4”.

I was awakened by the same shit, these people want your vital signs every morning. This time, I get up go outside, sit down & I let her take my vital signs. I got up, & crawled right back into bed. My roommate was always up before me. Never really spoke. I laid on the bed, staring at the high ceiling. It must’ve been around 11:00 am. A counselor comes in, my door was wide open, “Where have you been? We’ve been looking everywhere for you. You missed your meeting with your doctors. Come on”. I got up silently & followed behind her. Everyone looked at me like fresh meat. I don’t know why but it made me turn a switch & now, now I was here.

The counselor looked upset she had to work with crazy people, “wait here, I’ll see if they’re ready”. She was pointing at the wall, in-front of someone else who looks like were waiting to be next. You ever wanted to just grab someone & hit them? Yeah, I was ready to grab this woman, & clean the floor with her face, I imagined it until she disappeared through the blue door. “Okay” she said as she signaled me to walk in. I complied. I walked in & it was the same three elegant doctors sitting behind a desk. “Have a seat” said the man, who was sitting in the middle again as he pointed to the comfortable looking chair in-front of him. I sat down. “So, how’re you feeling since we last saw each other?” Asked the blonde psychiatrist. I smiled, “fine actually”. “Really? We heard every time the staff looks for you, you’re in bed” she snapped back. Superman over there said, “if you don’t begin to show improvement, you’ll be here longer”.

“Longer? I came here voluntarily” I frantically replied. “Yes, for us to observe you. We’ve observed you in bed, Ms. Nunez. Would you like medication to help with your depression?” replied superman. At this point, everything changed. “No more pills, please”, said voice 2; “No, no medication. I didn’t know what to do or where to go”. I really didn’t. Did I black out or something? Maybe they told me. “What do I do after breakfast?” I asked. “We’ll let the staff know you need a walkthrough again” he said. “Again?”, I asked astounded. “You were given instructions, you probably weren’t paying attention”, replied blondie. Great. I was so stuck in my mind, I wasn’t paying attention to shit, just as I thought. How can I stop blacking out? “Yeah, you’ll see improvement.” “Okay, we’ll meet again on Tuesday, thank you Ms. Nunez” said the brunette doctor. I guess she could sense the tension between blondie & I.

I got up from the comfortable teal chair, “thank you”, & walked out of the room. “What’re you going to do now?” Asked voice 1. “I need to call my mom”. I headed down the hallway to try to use one of the phones. It was really crowded so I walked all the way to the pay phones by the exit. The first phone I tried didn’t work. No wonder no one was over here. I tried the second phone & thankfully I got a dial tone, I tried to dial out & it just wouldn’t work. I began to shout at a staff member, “excuse me, excuse me” but got ignored. “They’re like that here, always got an attitude. You have to dial 9 first. What’s your name?”.