Have you ever thought of suicide? I attempted to commit suicide a total of three times. Every time was scary. My first story was a short explanation of what had happened. But in real life, these simple words on paper will never truly express how scary it is to feel that way, to feel alone all the time. I felt like I wasn't good enough for my family and friends, and that they didn't care, anyway—none of which was true!
Everyone said, "You could have come to me; I would have helped."
I never felt that I could. And to be honest, it wouldn't have mattered what they said, no matter how many times they screamed at me that they love me and were there for me, it didn't help. I didn’t want their help or anyone. I was too far gone and also stuck in my ways.
I was stuck in a whirlwind of drugs and alcohol that I thought was numbing the pain, but in all actuality, it wasn't. It was just making all my anxieties and emotions worse. When I wasn't high or drunk I would be in so much pain my mind would continuously run, telling me that everything sucked and that everyone hates me anyway. I never felt like life was going to get easier, or I would get anywhere. So I would go pick up a gram of drugs, and another bottle of alcohol, to drown my thoughts. It was a big circle because the next day, I would wake up hungover, and the feelings would be there again but worse.
My thoughts asked me, why bother trying anymore? Nobody cares about you. Tyler, my son, and everyone else would be better off without you. You are all alone in this world. And you will never amount to anything.
So the next time I was drunk, high and distraught I would attempt suicide, it was when I was finally brave enough to do it. It was a scary and hard thing to do. I would down pills in hopes to not wake up.
Luckily, every time I did.
After each attempt, friends and family would try to help by giving me advice and trying to be there for me but it didn't help. I didn't want to listen. Cause telling me, “It's never stormy forever, the rain will stop eventually,” couldn’t click in my head. It always felt like the storm of my life would never end, and things couldn't get better.
I know that it seems selfish to end my life when I have a little boy to take care. I know he needs me, loves me and cares about me as much as I care about him. He was my whole world, as I was his. With my drug addiction and alcohol problem along with depression, and anxiety, I always felt that he would be better off without me in his life. Being the huge mess I was I never felt like I could get better, and beat my addictions. I always thought he would be better off raised by someone else.
But life does get better! Once you decide you want to get help and your sick of feeling miserable. You have to want to listen to people's advice and have some trust that things will work out for the better. Which is what happened to me I woke up one day and wanted out of the circle of drugs and alcohol madness. I wanted to feel better. So I stopped the partying and got help. None of it was easy by any means, but it was worth it. I started seeing a counselor.
It took a lot of work, time and patience with myself. I was lonely and wanted to give up plenty of times and go back to my old ways. But that is when I had to remind myself of how miserable I was and beg myself to keep pushing.
My advice for anyone who feels the way I felt would be to get help now! Even if its the last thing that you want to do. See a counselor, find someone you are comfortable to talk to and don't give up no matter how hard it is.
Your life is worth living, and I promise things do get better! If you are considering suicide, please admit yourself to the hospital or call the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-TALK(8255).