Suicidal Ideation -- But the Joke's on me

This piece was inspired by an article published to The Outline titled "I am not always very attached to being alive" by Anna Borges.

Trigger Warning: The content in this article contains themes of suicide and self-harm. Read at your discretion.

I’m spiraling.

Again.

And not your average way of spiraling where you just have bad days and wake up the next couple of mornings, and you’re over it, like a normal person.

That’s not this.

There are not a lot of incentives that give me a reason to live, and, similar to Anna Borges, I’m not very attached to being alive. I love who I love and wish them the best, but what if none of that mattered? What if your bad days are prolonged, and you want to find the quickest way out without any forethought?

I know this ruins the vibe and would be the worst conversation starter at any family event, but I want to die.

Truly.

I wouldn't necessarily call myself suicidal, but my ideation takes the form of background noise, like when you leave the TV on, and you’re not actually watching it. You hear it and know which characters are talking, but you're distracted doing other things.

This is me on an everyday basis.

I feel those intrusive thoughts creeping in at any time of the day, mostly at night when my sleep dread kicks in. Sometimes, my suicidality comes during the days when I’m mentally at my lowest. Those days when I feel numb, like a zombie, and just want to feel something.

Anything.

I’ve never done any drugs or even drank anything hardcore. In the past, self-mutilation wouldn’t last. And even to this day, the pain only lasts about a minute, then back to nothing.

I go blank. Completely.

The numbness can last for days, and then I feel like I’m floating after a while. Like I’m on autopilot. All of the noises around me go mute, and I’m just alone in my head.

Traveling unconsciously.

To be honest, I don't think I have the personality to commit suicide, and contrary to what my brother says, I’m not emo. I don’t even classify myself as someone who is clinically depressed. I’m also too optimistic about the future. (I might get to meet my kids in this life; who knows.) But most days, like Anna, I genuinely wish I was dead.

Over a year ago, I told my then therapist that I had suicidal thoughts, but I would never actually kill myself. He quickly reassured me that I was no different from someone who had a plan. I’m still suffering either way. The real question was, why wasn’t I all that connected to being alive?

What about life is so hard that it makes me not want to live anymore?

Well...

I feel like I’ve lost sight of what it means to be human. I don’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to be. Everything feels temporary. Expectations are too high. I'm screaming into the void, asking for all the answers, but no one can hear me.

Why am I here?

To make money?

To stress over things that hold no value?

I was forced to participate in a societal construct I never consented to. Unless I join the soulless rat race, there's no other way to stay afloat. (Move off the grid? That might work.) It's so much all at once that I think I’d be content if I died tomorrow. I don’t know if this is self-centered or not, but I often think if I died, would anyone care?

How much do I mean to people after having gotten to know me? How do I make people feel when they’re around me?

Am I a good enough person to be remembered by others?

Who am I to people? How am I perceived?

These are the questions I repeatedly ask myself every day. I’ve always thought your success can solve any trauma or pain, but I have everything I could ever want, and I still feel the void growing bigger and bigger. The monster in my head tells me I won't make it to see 30, but I’m choosing not to live for the future. I might grow old, still suffering from these thoughts, but I’m okay with that. I’ve made amends with my suicidality.

I can only be in the present, which makes me feel free.

...

Yes, it's okay to ask for help. This isn't a comfortable conversation, and I know I'm not alone, which is why I'm sharing this publicly. I am no longer ashamed for having these feelings, and I only wish people were more honest about these conversations.

If you or anyone you know is struggling, there are always resources to help. Below are a few links you're welcome to use at your disposal.

Thanks for reading.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-(800)-273-TALK (8255)

Find A Helpline

The Trevor Project: An open resource for struggling LGBTQ youth.

National Alliance on Mental Health: 1-(800)-950-NAMI (6264)