Stuck in a Box

Have you ever felt you couldn't say what you really wanted about how you feel about certain things that are rather important in your life?

I find it very difficult to speak about how I feel regarding things that happened in my past or what I am going through currently.

One day I wish to build up not courage but the power to use the words that describe everything I feel in one measly sentence. There are a lot of things not only on my mind, but I am pretty sure on the minds of countless people that feel as if they are locked in a box of despair. It's a horrible feeling enclosing yourself in your room and not speaking to anyone, but you think to yourself why do you need a lot of people when one is enough. I had one person in my life that I spoke to about every single thing going on in my head and he understood. The horrible thing is we were in a relationship and he was my first love and when we broke up, it's like it made it three times harder for me to trust anyone or speak to anyone about things. I know just about everyone goes through this, but with any type of mental illness it feels worse. It is really like you are stuck in a box that is padlocked with multiple combination locks and it's buried under thousands of feet of dirt.

When that day comes maybe I will have some good advice for many people that are undergoing the same mental nature. Than again you never know if something so evil that keeps you locked up in such a thick shell will ever subside. All those depression and anxiety commercials they have where there is this black shadow following them or they are just completely lost looking, I never really realized that's how I feel almost everyday. As I got older I started to realize some things about myself and other people around me. I hate when people hear the word depression and they automatically think suicide. I assure you not all people with depression look straight toward suicide. There are then ones like me where you feel alone when you have plenty people who care about you or at least enough of the people you really want to care about you are there but yet you still feel as if you have no-one. Then there is the lost feeling where you overthink everything possible and it honestly makes you feel like you are, like I said previously, locked in a box buried under thousands of feet of dirt.

Of course everyone's experience with this devil, they are all different. I don't have many friends due to the fact when I want to speak about how I feel and they can't even try to understand and they think I am just like an open box. I am lucky enough to have a good friend in my life at the moment that doesn't know 100 percent of how I feel or how I am but that friend tries very hard to make me feel better and tries his hardest to try and understand as much as he can and that's when I realized at a young age even one close friend is better than none.

I know it may seem, and it actually is, that I skipped around a little and jumped to several things, but i can't think straight and keep one thing on my mind. THAT is why I am horrible at explaining just about anything and everything.