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Stress is killing me.

Not right this second, but slowly.

By Ashley BeebyPublished 4 years ago 5 min read
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Stress is killing me.
Photo by Pim Chu on Unsplash

“Engaging with the self, starting to treat ourselves as if we were a living, learning surprise, worthy of existence despite our constant fears, enables us to engage in a real way with others, to see others as possible surprises and even gifts.”

David Whyte, from The Three Marriages

I would describe myself as a “high-functioning stressor”. What that means is, I experience stress almost constantly but am still capable of functioning like a human being. I won’t diagnose myself with chronic stress, I am not a medical professional. But I know that if I don’t get my stress under control, it will eventually kill me.

It’s a morbid thought. Working through my difficulties regulating stress means I am ultimately working to delay my own demise. I’m not sure what medical condition would affect me first. Maybe a heart attack, or my gut health might further degrade until I have a chronic, irreversible condition. No matter how many times I google “how to manage stress”, I won’t get any closer until I actual manage my stress.

Where does one begin, when trying to salvage their life?

Awareness is a reliable first step.

Over the last few months, I have become increasingly aware of all my signs of stress, both physical and mental. There is tension in my body that despite the aid of physiotherapists and stretching, isn’t easing. There are headaches, trouble sleeping, gut imbalances and overall poor mood quality that willpower can’t infinitely override. It’s leaching into my relationship, my work life and my own head space where I am increasingly bogged down in my own despair.

Are these symptoms all stress-related?

No internet search will ever tell me. I doubt a doctor can guarantee stress is the only factor in my symptoms either. The one way to find out: reduce my stress and see if the symptoms improve.

I was always told to ‘slow down’ growing up. I was an ambition kid, always full of passion and energy. I would ‘burn the candle and both ends’ and my parents warned of my demise. The part of me that identifies with my mind always agreed, but yet knew that I couldn’t… wouldn’t do anything about it. I identified myself to that chaos of energy, that start-stop passion.

Surely ‘slowing down’ and relaxing would change me?

Surely it would make me into a different person?

Why would I want that when I received so much recognition for being an energetic hard-worker?

My mind always had a reason to shrug off the risk of my constant inability to relax. I would dismiss my stress as merely an ‘inability to relax’. In its own right, an ‘inability to relax’ could be equally as dangerous, especially when stress comes knocking – and it’s a frequent visitor.

It’s only with the rare recognition of my own relaxation that I have begun to appreciate how much tension I hold in my head and my body.

When I am relaxed:

• I wake up refreshed

• I am goofy and happy and love to laugh

• I feel creative

• I’m not worried about time, or money, or ‘achieving’ anything

• I have energy

When I am stressed (or not-relaxed):

• None of the above apply

• I have mild headaches

• I have aches and pains in my muscles and joints

• I feel fatigued

• I struggle to fall asleep, and then sleep poorly

• I am quick to become anxious or distressed

• I can’t move out of my bad moods

For me, recognising the above symptoms as relaxed versus stressed has allowed me to appreciate how often I am stressed. While I always ‘knew’ I was tightly-strung, monitoring my own symptoms has made the frequency blatantly obvious. It’s not a pretty picture.

But awareness is the first step, and I have taken it.

The next step is finding tangible ways to reduce my stress. I’ve tried the usual methods:

• Meditation

• Exercise

• Limiting how much ‘work’ I do each day

• Enjoying more of my hobbies (like reading)

• More meaningful social interaction

The above helps a lot, but for me, they’re not enough. I have identified so heavily with my stress that it exists within my belief system. Stress is an operating program for me, not just a physical and emotional experience.

This means I have to look deep within myself if I want to live a long and fulfilling life and evaluate my identity and how I view myself and the world.

I will be working on:

- Doing less, and being satisfied with myself while doing less.

- Being present, and no longer relying on my brain to forecast my entire life.

- Watching the clock less, because time is a huge trigger for me.

(That comes from immersing myself too deeply in a culture of hustling and working hard when I was convinced running my parent’s business was my true course in life. Even after stepping out of that business entirely, shaking the inherent urgency of the entrepreneurship culture has been a slower process for me.)

- Learning to let go of the false notions of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and accepting that life isn’t meant to be taken too seriously.

To top this all off… My gut health has been in disarray for years. I only know that now as my symptoms heightened over the last six months leading to me realizing, I have a dairy and gluten intolerance. I can’t ignore the significance of the gut in overall wellbeing, brain health and energy. So, it is another piece of the puzzle I must solve in managing my stress. Healing my gut, ensuring I am consuming the right nutrients and listening to my body is just as important as improving my belief systems.

I can’t pretend this will be easy. I also can’t write the step-by-step summary that allows you to carry out this work also, if you need it too. I haven’t finished the work yet.

This is my announcement to save myself from stress, not so I can be more productive or more ‘successful at life’. I will save myself from stress for my wellbeing, my joy, and my own fulfillment.

I included a quote at the beginning of this article that really stood out to me today. Too often we forget how incredible we are with our flaws – yes, with. We truly are “living, learning surprise[s], worthy of existence despite our constant fears.

I’m ready to finally accept all the parts of me that aren’t flattering, one of them being my complacency. Right now, stress is at the crux of my complacency. I won’t let it kill me.

selfcare
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About the Creator

Ashley Beeby

Writing as a women and an academic in trade and as a creative in life.

Qualified Heavy Vehicle Diesel Mechanic // Sci-fi & Fantasy Writer // Poet

Check out my website ashleybeeby.com or follow me on instagram.

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