Staying Home with Family at the Cost of our Mental Health

With this pandemic, many of us are put in the situation of having to stay at home at the cost of our mental health. Renting our own place is too costly and most places are closed, so being at home stays the most convenient choice, even if it means having a few mental breakdowns once in a while (I write this amidst one).

Having time at home to self-reflect, I dug deep in my memories and found the root of why I was such a people-pleaser who avoided conflicts at all costs, even if it meant invalidating my own feelings. I grew up in a household where my mother’s mood affected everyone else. I was constantly put in the middle and had to fix every argument. I was responsible for her emotions and was burdened with the guilt of each problem even if it wasn’t mine to begin with. Struggling with her own childhood trauma, my mother projected her way of thinking onto me. It felt as if nothing that I did was good enough for her and so I despairingly chased after the unreachable dream laced in her approval. From then on, I lived my life looking for external validation, codependently caring about everyone else’s opinion of me since I found no value in myself.

Over this quarantine period, I spent months drowning in the deep waters of my own thoughts. At the lowest point of my life, I felt the loss of a sense of purpose as I locked myself in the lonely four walls of my room, and I was healing from a recent break-up in which my unhealthy anxious attachment style broke our trust. Making risky decisions just for the thrill of being alive or feeling anything other than sadness, I snuck out and negatively coped to avoiding thinking about anything related to my feelings. These adventures for temporary adrenaline caused the relationship between my parents and I to shatter even more than before. Their trust in me crumbled, and everyday was a whirlwind of crying and spitting out words we didn’t mean. In one instance, I asked to move up to my college town to rent an apartment since I felt that I needed a change in environment, but it threw my mother into a downward spiral as she told me she was ashamed of the school I went to and the major I chose, even though these were decisions that I had made for myself. My mom stopped sleeping and eating from the stress of worrying about me going down the wrong path, and I felt the guilt of having my actions affect her more than it did me.

After months of feeling lost, I realized that these impulsive decisions were an act of rebellion since I felt that my mother had controlled my life for so long. It hit me that I was being childish since these fleeting moments had longer lasting consequences than just obeying her rules, and moving to escape the problem didn’t mean it would disappear. In the end, rebelling didn’t help either side, so I came to the conclusion that everything had to change. In being forced to face the truth, I swam to the surface and held onto any light I could find.

The generational gap and contrast in mindset kept us apart, but with effort on both sides, my mother and I decided to attempt mending our relationship. Communication with her remained a key problem since I learned to shut her out emotionally at a young age, but I tried to understand that her actions were genuine and that she simply did not show love in the way that I knew. Instead of yearning for her approval, I am learning to find that love and confidence within myself and trust my own decisions. I no longer immaturely blame her for the way I am, but instead work towards healing and being grateful for the experiences that have made me the person that I am today. We still have bad days, but I face my problems head on as we both work to comprehend the other’s intentions and to grow as people together.

To all who have felt lost dealing with childhood trauma and the pandemic causing a decline in mental state, you are not alone. It is up to us to heal in a healthy manner, but healing is a continuous journey that isn’t linear. Step by step, we progress each day by reflecting and setting those boundaries. Be nicer to yourself; you are a divine being on this earth <3 If you felt anything from reading my story, feel free to send me a gift so that I can save my sanity and finally move to my college town in the winter. I wish the best of luck for everyone throughout this pandemic. Remember to reach out to your loved ones and to wear masks. You are never alone.

Sending love,

Christine