Stalled

Have you ever felt stalled? Completely without momentum or motivation? All potential. No Energy. I have been stalled for almost 30 years. That isn't to say I haven't made any progress whatsoever, but from beginning to end my life story is filled with years without change.

I was born stalled. My mother's water broke two weeks early. That would seem like an omen for coming in hot out of the gate. But when I got partway down the birth canal, I just....stopped. It took a lot of painful effort on my mothers part, and yank from the doctor to get me out. Even at the cost of low oxygen levels, I refused to move, to enter life.

This was just the start. I had periods of small friend groups growing up, but I was mostly a solitary child. When I was (am) around other people, I sit off to the side and try to look forlorn like a dirty orphan. Through high school, I was constantly waiting for someone to "My Fair Lady" me. I never took any forward steps myself. The fear was too high. Because of that, I missed out on so much. Talking to people at lunch, study groups, hanging out on weekends, and parties. The worst part was going to dances. I knew all the songs, and I LOVE dancing. Without permission to enter the dance floor however, I never moved my feet. These were some of the most soul crushing nights of my adolescence.

I thought for sure that, with the trajectory of academic success I had in grade school, I would be destined for great things in college. I wasn't prepared for how difficult things were going to be for someone who never tried. I wasn't just stuck in a swamp, I was sinking in quicksand. Then, I started therapy. It's been about 10 years now. Most of that time has been spent washing off the sludge left from that quicksand. Once I was free, I began to very slowly put one foot in front of the other. Seriously. So. So. Slowly.

The sludge may be gone but the finer particles of the sands of time still cling to me. I fear they always will. I'm 29 1/2 now and no closer to my goals than I was 10 years ago. I've made improvements to my person but they weren't enough. I am still definitively stalled. I go to work and I go to therapy and I see my family. I don't DO anything else. For someone with dreams, for someone with a big heart and a mind that loves to take in information, that is a heartbreaking sentence to write. Even if I wanted to get in gear, I don't know that I have long enough legs to reach the clutch. I am stalled. An adult woman living a child's life because I don't have the life experience to grow up. I

And this is where I stay. I stop. I hesitate. I don't have a solution. I don't have a clue. I don't have any idea. What I do know is that it is terrible to face people that you want to be proud of you when you're not proud of yourself. It makes me want to curl up in bed and wallow, which I do often. Wallowing is not a bankable skill. I shouldn't worry too much, though. I have time to learn one that is.

I'm not going anywhere.