Speaking My Truth: Living with Mental Illness

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I am here to share my story of my personal experiences with mental illness. Before I tell my story, I want to share some statistics with everyone. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), mental illness affects tens of millions of people every year and half of them with mental illnesses receive treatment. So here's my personal story of mental illness. It is August 1993: I was five years old and started my first day of Pre-K. Being the new kid was difficult and troublesome. Interacting with the rest of the students was not easy. Growing up in Texas was great, but unfortunately, my parents were not the loving people that I expected them to be. Almost on a daily basis, I was ridiculed by them for numerous things, such as my thin appearance and not being able to communicate with people. My self-esteem went down and I became isolated, withdrawn, and unconnected. Within a week, my teacher noticed that something was not right about me. I was seen by counselors and my parents told me that I was diagnosed with autism. I didn't know what it was at the time, but one of the symptoms of the developmental disorder is having difficulties interacting with others. As a result of my diagnosis, I was put in special education classes from Pre-K through my junior year of high school. During that time, I was constantly bullied and my peers called me the worst names you can think of. It's hard to be upbeat when you're feeling worthless and defeated.

Flash forward 14 years to 2007: After graduating from high school, I honestly didn't have a career path and was unsure of what to do with my life. After finding out that my parents were unable to afford to send me to college, I was devastated and felt even more lonely. I lived with my parents for about four years before attending the now-closed Ouachita Job Corps center in Royal, Arkansas. The vocational trade that I was studying at the time was office administration. Things appeared to be looking up for me, I made lots of friends, hung out with them, and ended up completing my program in August of 2011, and graduating a month later. Just before Halloween of that year, I attended the Arkansas Career Training Institute (ACTI) in Hot Springs, Arkansas, which was a vocational school for people with physical and developmental disabilities. I made even more friends and was committed to start and complete my chosen program, which was sales and marketing. In February 2012, I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, which is a developmental disorder characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction. Not only that, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Despite me making friends during my time on campus, once again, I felt withdrawn from everyone. Nonetheless, I finished the sales & marketing program in April 2012 in less than six months and also graduated a month later with honors. I was allowed to stay on campus and started a new job in July until I found a place of my own. I worked hard researching apartments but was unsuccessful. Then about a week and a half before Thanksgiving, a young man reached out to me and asked if I would move in with him. I accepted his offer and moved to Bentonville, which was located in Northwest Arkansas. My roommate and I got along well and shared some the same interests. We both worked and lived with each other for three months. We went our separate ways: the both of us wanted to live on our own. So I moved to Springdale near the end of February of 2013 because I was two weeks away from completing my work program and also starting an office job.

I began my office job at a non-profit organization in Springdale in April of that year and it appeared that things were looking up for me. Unfortunately, in October 2017, I was informed by my supervisors that they were going to let me go after being at the company for almost five years. They believed that my performance was not up to par. This news came towards the end of the day. I was shocked and devastated by the news, which took me by surprise. It was an honor to work as an administrative assistant for several years. I've gained so many skills and also, I was grateful to work with everyone at the office. After I got home from work that evening, I felt as if my life and future was taken away from me. At first, I considered committing suicide, but it would be too easy. For the next few weeks, I started looking and applying for different jobs. Finally, towards the end of November, I started a new job at a call center in Fayetteville. For the first couple of weeks, it went well and I worked an enormous amount of overtime. Sadly, just before Christmas, work had stopped and everyone, including me, was laid off for almost two months. Work had returned near the end of January of this year and I was eager to grind again. Halfway through my shift on the afternoon of February 19, I had a mental breakdown. I realized that everything about my job was too stressful and had taken a toll on me mentally and physically. The day after I worked my 12-hour shift, I decided to not return, because I was concerned about my own well-being. I was mentally and physically tired but once again, started looking for a job. After submitting multiple applications and resumes, I had absolutely no luck, despite keeping in touch with these employers. Out of all the applications I filled out, I have attended two job interviews. Both times, I didn't get the job.

Feeling hopeless, depressed, and helpless, my vocational rehabilitation counselor suggested that I'd go see a therapist. So last month, I attended my very first therapy session and it went well. For years I have avoided seeing a therapist to share my problems with, but now, I felt more comfortable about doing it. I've never denied that something wasn't right about me. My biggest regret is not getting help sooner. Today, I see my therapist every two weeks and I'm committed to getting better and going back to enjoy the activities that enjoy the most.

In closing, I want to offer some advice to those who are currently suffering from mental illness: if you or someone you know is at a point in life where it's not exciting, dull, and depressing, please go seek help. It will benefit you as a human being and also, save your life. Just remember that you are not alone and people do care about you. Also, research support groups in your area and attend meetings with individuals who are experiencing similar circumstances as you. You are loved and never give up on yourself.