Sometimes it’s Ok to Not Be Ok

I consider myself to be a pretty strong, independent, and resilient woman. I like to accomplish things on my own and find it difficult to ask others for help. Asking someone for help was viewed as a weakness to me for most of my life. It was quite normal for me to say "I'm fine" regardless of the chaos that was occuring in my mind. It took me a long time to realize that pretending to be ok all time was making me sick. It would manifest itself into some very physical ailments due to my constant anxiety that people were going to find out that I wasn't fine at all. For many years I experienced chronic stomach pain, IBS, nausea, rashes, and eczema. I was always tired and wanted to sleep all the time. I was clinically depressed, but I truly believed that I just needed to "suck it up" and take care of my obligations. I felt a great deal of anxiety and shame because I couldn't seem to snap out of it and stop being such a downer. When you are in the midst of a depressive episode, telling yourself to "get over it" is pretty counterproductive as it just seems to pick away at your feelings of self-worth.

I was pretty good at playing the part of the Stacey that I thought everyone wanted me to be. For some reason I viewed my mental health challenges as a weakness that I had to hide. I would continually try to force myself to "cheer the hell up", and then become even more depressed when I couldn't seem to do it. I put so much pressure on myself to appear "normal" and hide the darkness that depression had engulfed me in. Why did I truly believe that it was not ok to sometimes just not be ok?

These years are now known to me as my robotic years. I spent my days going through the motions with a smile on my face, but I was screaming at the top of my lungs on the inside.for help. I had become so desensitized to my feelings and the need to keep it together that I became almost emotionless. I went through the motions of daily life in a haze. I was afraid that if I allowed myself to cry, I would never be able to stop.

Things have changed a great deal since that time of my life. I now allow myself to feel and acknowledge my emotions, both good and bad, and I can cry without feeling ashamed for doing so. There is no longer the fear of judgement in asking for help when I need it. I surround myself with like minded people who understand when I need to be alone and when I need someone to talk to. I have distanced myself from those who don't understand that depression is a disease, and believe that I just need to suck it up and be happy. I want to surround myself with people who lift me up and support me in both the good and bad times.

I still have my struggles and I know that my mental health challenges with always be a part of me. The difference now is that they are only a small part of who I am and will never again define me.

“True strength is not about hiding our weaknesses, but embracing them with courage and sheer will.“