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Social (Anxiety) Butterflies

Learning to socialize with a social interaction disorder

By Josey PickeringPublished 2 years ago 6 min read
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I have never been a fan of small talk. Even as a child, I wanted to skip right past the hey how are you, how's the weather and jump right into who their favorite dinosaur was and why. I could learn a lot more about a person by their favorite dinosaur anyway, not how cloudy the sky was. Meeting new people was often anxiety causing then, just as it is now. I'd much prefer if people gave me details about a new person I was meeting, and things we might have in common.

I'm autistic and I wasn't diagnosed until my late teens. There was always a suspicion there that I was neurodivergent in some way, and looking back now, so many signs were there long before I was ever diagnosed. By "normal" standards, my social skills were always almost alien, like I was from another planet entirely. At least that's how it felt to me sometimes. I was always far too honest, too blunt, too far out there as a child. I had no issue telling someone if there was food between their teeth, their fly was down or even if I didn't like their outfit. I was always told to calm down, be quiet and just not say anything at all. I never understood why I couldn't just be honest and was even being chastised for it. I was told that my brutal honestly was too much and that I needed to tone it down. So I did, I quieted the honesty and kept my mouth shut to the point where speaking out in any way against anyone seemed horrifying. Clearly I was socializing wrong in the first place, so I should just silence myself altogether. I already had issues with socializing when I was overwhelmed, but the social anxiety grew and grew into it's own deafening monster.

I had so much to say on the inside but was silenced by fear of judgement yet also a physical inability to speak at times. There were days where I would wake up to be called grumpy and moody but in reality I didn't know how to communicate that I was overwhelmed and unable to talk beyond grunts or gestures. So I stayed silent, complacent, calm, dulled down and hiding so many layers of myself. In high school, I was already judged for just about everything I did, but when I said something "wrong", it was held over my head for too long and fused into my identity. I remember one time I didn't know how to say a specific way a classmate did her hair. She would use gel and literally scrunch up her curls in her fists. I simply stated, oh, you know...how you, scrunch your hair, or whatever it's called. Instead of politely explaining what she did or called it, she spent the rest of high school asking me if I "scrunched" my hair today. It didn't help with feeling like I was from another planet with my peers acting as if I were literally speaking alien. I went from high school right into working random jobs and more social disasters. When I worked at a supermarket, I was constantly in trouble for not looking people in the eye, which docked points from secret shopper surveys for our store. My manager kept yelling at me about how bad I made them look. By then I knew I was autistic, and kept telling her such, Instead of making an effort to understand, she just kept saying she didn't know what autism was, and further punished me by placing me on the night shift to avoid secret shoppers. I tried so hard to do things the "Correct" way, the neurotypical way, but there didn't seem to be any logic in being normal. Everything needed to candy coated and fake to be normal and I was constantly chastised for not fitting the mold.

I dug myself so deeply into my shell that I became incredibly isolated and primarily communicated online. It was easier to explain myself in text, at least it seemed. Even in text, I was often misinterpreted. I even remember telling two different people at the same time who I was very close with that I loved them. I did, as friends can love friends. However both individuals who were neurotypical took it as, I was in love with them. I tried to explain to both that I was autistic so often my expression was misinterpreted and yet, still misunderstood. I continued to retreat into my shell and it really wasn't until I started dating my wife, Jackie, that I really started to gain a group of friends that would help me rather than hinder me. It helped that they were all neurodivergent in their own ways and diagnosis, so they all get it on their own level. It's taken a lot of balance within myself and learning how to express myself without fear of judgement again and just be honest. If people can't handle my honestly, maybe they're not for me. I often look back on situations I'm still fixating on and think about how I communicated better. I think often on a time where an acquaintance was visiting and staying in our home who was very demanding of our time and yet unwilling to actually communicate. It was causing a lot of stress and their inability to communicate caused me to shut down on the wrong people. I had another friend over who I was already having some issues with and needed to properly talk to them. They had their best friend visiting previously and we let them over only for them to do drugs in my bathroom which was a whole different story of disrespect. I desperately needed to communicate to them how problematic it was but because I was shutting down from a lack of communication on one end from a completely different person, I shut down on my friend instead and never recovered the friendship. Some people are meant to come and go in our lives as a lesson, and both taught me valuable lessons in being honest, even if it's not the easiest thing to talk about.

I've been with my current therapist for a few years now, and my social circle and how I handle talking to people comes up in every session. Ive gone from getting into regular altercations because of miscommunication and holding grudges to working towards forgiveness and understanding. Even when I can't verbally communicate my needs, I try to write them out in text to help me get out exactly what I need to say instead of just running and hiding. I try hard not to be judgmental as I've been a victim of judgement my whole life, which is hard to overturn. I also try to be the person that will tell you, politely, if there is spinach in your teeth. It's not hard to find the balance between necessary and brutal honestly, it just takes a little work and understanding. I'm learning lessons everyday in how to be my best human, even if I still talk like a little alien from another planet sometimes. It's also nice to have friends who gently remind you to say please & thank you sometimes.

disorder
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About the Creator

Josey Pickering

Autistic, non-binary, queer horror nerd with a lot to say.

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