Soberversary

Hi, I’m Jen and I’m an alcoholic. Today is my one year anniversary of sobriety, on July 4th of all days. It was barely a blip on the calendar, almost passed without even being noticed. That is how I wanted it. I wanted the day to arrive like any other day because I don’t really talk much about my sobriety. I acknowledge it, I will answer questions if asked, but I don’t bring up because it’s embarrassing.

Acknowledging being sober today means being reminded of how bad I had gotten. It’s hard to think about how bad off I was. As I write this, I am still technically homeless. I am struggling to find my place in a work environment and have not been able to wrap my head around the idea of physically going to a place of employment. As a result I am focusing on remote and work-from-home opportunities.

I can admit that I am afraid. I am afraid to go back out there. The COVID-19 lock-down afforded me the chance to get sober and I don’t think I could have done it if my favorite local bar wasn’t shut down for over a year. But it also made me an introvert. I am nervous about being out in the world where temptation lives because I haven’t been out there in so long. I didn’t get sober by succeeding in facing those temptations. I got sober through avoidance and isolation...I got sober in a vacuum.

It is a strange day. It was a long year. It wasn’t safe travels the whole way. I had two distinct and separate screw-ups...but I didn’t continue and I didn’t spiral out. I got up the next day, determined to sort myself out. After the first I thought, shit, that sucked...after the second I figured out that I was getting complacent and that I still had a lot of work to do.

I know a lot of folks would say that I haven’t really earned my soberversary because of those two events. Part of me agrees. But really, those events did not undo all the work I had achieved. Life, and sobriety, isn’t a board game...,it’s not about “leveling up” and I don’t get sent back to start. I still woke up 10 months and 11 months into my journey and I was able to use that time to get insight into what had caused me to momentarily relapse. And relapse is part of getting straight. Show me the guy that was a true addict that got sober and never relapsed a single time for the rest of their life and I will introduce you to the unicorn I keep in my wallet (her name is Margot, by the way).

I’ve had days that were harder than others. Days where I have had to have a conversation in my head, more like an argument, reminding myself of the many, many reasons I don’t drink anymore. On those hard days, it can be a real mindfuck. I don’t even like drinking. There is nothing there that I want. Drunk me sucks...she is stupid, loud, gross, sloppy, annoying, needy, and just weird. Booze eats up my mind, my soul, my home, my job, my money, and my relationships. But I still want it. It’s the worst relationship I have ever been in, and I have been in some truly shit relationships.

Then I have easy days where I don’t even think about it at all, not once. Those are the sweet days. The days when I know I can do this. The days that I don’t have to come up with creative solutions to divert my attention. The days where I am just in the moment and everything makes sense. It doesn’t mean those are days where nothing goes wrong, it just means that those days are proof that I am capable of handling things in a non-addict way. That I am capable...period.

Here’s to another year!