So, It's World Mental Health Day

So, it's world mental health day today, and I've been seeing a lot of people opening up about their struggles. While I don't exactly hide my experiences, I wouldn't say I'm completely open either. It's hard to tell people when you're struggling with any illness, but mental health is surrounded by a stigma that makes it more difficult to be open about than most physical illnesses.

I've been in and out of mental hospitals for the past two years, sometimes from suicide attempts and sometimes from just having thoughts. I just got out the hospital a little over a month ago, and honestly not a day goes by where I don't think about whether it was a good choice to leave. The world outside of a hospital is scary and overwhelming, and some days I wonder if I can handle it.

But then I remember my dogs. They're both sleeping as I write this and I can't help but smile once I look at them. I see how much they miss my sister since she left for college, how Bessy sleeps on her bed every night. How would they feel if I left? One day soon my sister will come home, but if she didn't they would grieve her as much as any human would.

I remember my friends, few they may be, and how they would feel hearing the news. Some days I struggle with convincing myself that I even have friends. If I don't have constant reassurance then it feels like someone who I talked to yesterday doesn't care about me anymore and they don't want to be in my life. Deep down I know it's not true, whether it's people who I work with, who I went to school with, or people who I spent time with in hospitals and still have contact with to this day. There are numerous people who would miss me.

I also think about my family. My twin sister who, though we seldom admit it, loves me and has been through so much with me. Also my mom, who honestly I'm not sure what she would do if she was on her own. I have aunts, uncles, and cousins who all love me.

Honestly I'm not sure why I'm writing this, for others or myself.

I do know that anytime I hear of someone's suicide I also hear about the people around them, how much people grieve them. Never have I heard of a person who wasn't missed. Weird as it might sound, I'm sure there were people who even grieved Hitler. The point I'm trying to make is though it might be hard, there are reasons to stay. People will miss you. There are things you're supposed to do, whether it's cure cancer or feed a fish; it's important. You're important.

It won't be easy. Actually it'll be really fucking hard, but it'll be worth it. Even if you struggle everyday and think it's hopeless, there are people who will help you, but only if you let them. No matter how powerless you feel, you do have control over one thing, yourself. Reach out, whether it's to a friend, a parent, councilor, or anyone who will help. There are so many resources filled with people who care about you and want to help you. You just need to use them.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255