Smashing the Glass
A Few Words on Self Healing and Self Love
I often feel like people don't realize you're depressed unless there are obvious signs that you're crying out for help... like if you aren't partaking in self harm, substance abuse, isolating yourself... etc, that everything in your life must be completely fine and you've totally got your shit together.
They think that because you walk around half put together with a smile on your face that everything must be okay. I guess most people aren't very good at picking up on the subtle cues that separate those who suffer from depression from those that do not.
They see you waking up to the two beautiful, tiny humans that you once carried inside you, with smiles on their faces. But what they don't see is that it took you almost an hour to force your self out of bed, instead of going back to a dreamless sleep so you don't have to fight with your own stupid head!
They see you laughing and smiling on your good days, and then they condemn you as " being crazy" when depression takes a hold of you again... when they see you crying or isolating yourself on a bad day.
There's so much below the surface that they just don't see...
You praying that they don't want to come over to your place so they can't see that you haven't washed the dishes in a week, or two.
Hoping they won't notice that you can't remember the last time you washed your hair—or showered for that matter,
They don't see that it took you 40 minutes to convince yourself that you might feel better today if you just got outside into the sunshine and interacted with other people,
Or how much your body hurts just because you are using it for normal, every day things when all you really want to do is lay in bed and surrender yourself...
Depression is a bitch, plain and simple.
It's like living inside of a snow globe, and depression is the glass that hold everything inside...
Sometimes it's almost like you can watch yourself living in the snow globe from the outside. You know what the problem is, and you know how you can try to fix it, but you can't do anything about what you see because of that damn glass.
You know that the only way you can start to solve the problem is to smash the glass, but you also know that once you do that everything inside that glass is going to come pouring out, and it's been so long that you aren't even sure what's in there.
So you're left with an impossible choice:
Smash the glass and pick up the pieces and HOPE that you can put them back together,
Or stay inside the snow globe, enjoy the calm and silence while it's there, and ride out the storm when things get shaken up.
If someone seems okay one day and not okay the next, chances are their calm is over and another storm is brewing.
If you know someone who is suffering from depression and they are seeking help, it doesn't make them weird, crazy or dangerous. It means they have broken their glass and they are working on picking up the pieces and putting themselves back together.
Both sides of depression are scary and isolating in their own way, try not to judge people who are on a journey of self healing, no matter what stage they are in. If you know someone who is depressed and you ask them if they are okay and they lie and tell you they are when they aren't, don't take it personally. These things are hard to talk about, they will open up when they are ready. In the meantime, just be there for them.
I guess the point of this post is just to remind people to look past the surface, especially before you try to pass judgement on another person. You never know know what they're dealing with on the inside, whether they are facing their next storm or their last...