Sitting with discomfort was a lesson for 2021.

SITTING WITH DISCOMFORT WAS A LESSON FOR 2021.

I've been wanting to cut my hair for over 2 months now but I haven't.

I used to get this feeling... you know... the feminine urge to chop your hair off after a breakup, a big change, a move, a friendship ending etc.

I have talked about my mental health and trauma in general for YEARS now. 10+ years on Facebook and even longer at person to person events [in college]. I have talked with my therapists PLURAL about my trauma. I have written in my journal, in a blog, and in a public newspaper. I was even featured in People Magazine. I'm very open about it all.

But this experience these last two months and this dance I have done with myself....

I kept it pretty quiet as an experiment.

Every single time I got the urge to cut my hair, I got out the scissors and just sat with them.

I decided to feel.

To just feel.

And then put the scissors away.

I had the urge so many times... then it would dissipate.... then come back.

In waves I would feel the urge to snip my hair off at the shoulders in a bob, which I've had before.

I love asymmetrical Bob's and feel so edgy when I have one. But I also love long hair and grew up with long wavy hair down my back.

But this feeling has not been about hair.

And it has not just been about change in the face of pain.

I'm realizing something sooooo deep.

Something so intimate and raw.

Another layer of healing.

I've squirmed after heart breaks, I've screamed after bad days, I've cried after losses... in those moments I've wanted to cut my hair and have. Or dyed it a new color.

This personal reflection is just that. It's deeply personal.

I wanted to cut my hair the day I left NY as a symbol for leaving my NY pain behind. 30 years of pain, tragedy, and trauma from various experiences. Severe losses. Heart breaks. Fails. Hurts.

Each time I gave in and did it, there was a moment of novelty and pride in looking new. In gaining control.

I felt something entirely new this time around when I decided to not cut my hair.

I sat with my pain and the despair weighing down my locks.

I sat with discomfort with a deep desire to analyze it...and feel it.

It's been dozens of times...I'm confident over 100 thoughts of cutting my hair have popped into my head since October.

When I feel it now, I go brush my hair. I brush slow and look at myself in the mirror.

I want to love myself entirely. It absolutely has to do with the new year. Not because the clocks changed or the calendar is new....

It's because things in my life are new.

This major shift...I was afraid if I brought my hair with it...it would taint this...

So I got rid of all the things I hated but I kept my hair.

As I comb it through now and really look at myself, feeling the moment and embodying who I am... I'm seeing a girl who is a phoenix. Truly.

I am seeing this girl who has had severe losses and pain but is still deeply authentic and beautiful with all the scars.

I have scars no one can see but are from abuse...trauma...accidents...neglect..

I have a huge scar on my scalp in the back of my hair that my long locks have always covered [luckily]. But it's from my childhood and it holds very painful memories for me. My thick long hair covers that scar just barely and it took until college to wear my hair loose because my mother ALWAYS pointed it out. It took getting away from her [legally] and turning 18 for me to finally let my hair down.

My hair literally holds trauma.

But what I want to do now is really FEEL all of these feelings.

I don't want to impulsively make a decision just to mask other pain points.

I will cut my hair and color it again.

But right now I'm waiting and sitting with the discomfort because it is soooo potent to this shift.

I brought the hair with me to Texas and still got my dream apartment.

My dream life is still happening.

I still feel really blessed and good.

I'm seeing and experiencing entirely new things...

Cutting my hair did not preserve or promise goodness.

I am just deserving of it.

Even though I don't feel "clean of the bad".

Even though I came here imperfect.

What a beautiful lesson to learn. ♡