Shouting to the Void

⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️ www.opencounseling.com

Recently, I found myself overwhelmed by the weight of my own psyche. I know I am not alone in this experience. But rather than giving in to it and resorting to any kind of self harm as I have so many times in the past, this was the result. I cannot say it's meant to be enjoyed, my only hope is to share hope.

I am confronted with the thought of killing myself again.

This happens periodically, the triggers aren't consistent, the thoughts aren't linear. But the compulsion is always there, lurking just below the surface ready to pounce at any moment of weakness. I don't believe in it, suicide. But those beliefs don't matter to depression apparently.

It hurts, being alive.

Pain is a part of life many of us are not taught how to effectively handle.

The thought of stepping out translates as way to counteract the terror of being.

Oftentimes there's nothing I can do to relieve the pain. Apart from seeking something dangerous or physically painful to spike my adrenaline and take my mind off of my despair.

I just have to do my best to talk myself down when it happens.

The truth is that sometimes death truly feels like the best option. It's not what I want. It just inexplicably feels like the right thing to do.

It's not that I think I'd be happier or better off. But simply not being at all, seems to be the only thing that would bring relief from the persistent ache of the unsatisfying helplessness of existence. The best available solution to grant respite from the agony that my mind sees fit to subject me to.

I know it doesn't make sense. I know following through on the action would cause pain to a lot of other people. Maybe subconsciously, it would somehow act to redistribute all of the excruciating pressure. Maybe that's where it comes from, suicidal tendencies.

The feeling is that no one can relate to your pain, and no one can reach you, so the only way to get it to stop is to commit to the charge.

During these times, my waking life plays out like a death sentence. Carried on year after year in excruciating slow motion. All the stress, all the worry, all the build up has no place to go. Implosion seems like the only direction, the only solution. In those moments, it truly feels like what I should do, the best option for everyone. If I can't do any good, what good am I doing? A vicious cycle. Under these circumstances death can feel like the only righteous solution, the best decision for the greater good.

At least the agonizing about it all would be at an end.

I'm sorry that this is so dark and unpleasant. My only hope in sharing it would be, if you know someone who deals with suicidal ideation, that this may shine a light on what some of us go through.

It's horrible, it's isolating, and it feels like there's no way out, no way but all the way.

I've lived with the persistence of these thoughts for over a decade. Before they were easier to dismiss. But left unaddressed over time, they grew heavier and heavier. I have successfully managed to distract myself one way or another. I'm proud of myself for that.

Focusing on the good, the things to be grateful for, can help to outshine the darkness. But the real work is done by unearthing the unpleasant. The things nobody wants to see or hear that must be examined and brought to light. It can be such an alienating process.

Many around me don't really know how to help, it's not something we are commonly taught to deal with. And unfortunately, the subject as a whole, still has such stigma attached to it. Sometimes the ways those close to us choose to react when one does manage to reach out, aren't always helpful reactions that bring effective comfort or relief. Sometimes we're met with shame coming from their own fear and pain. This is not anyone's fault. We are all still learning.

But those hurt reactions can act to perpetuate the feelings of deep isolation and ineffectiveness.

If someone close to you struggles with thoughts like this, my only advice is to hold them from a place of strength. You don't need to relate, or offer words or advice, just be there. Be there for them as close as you can get.

Don't expect anything from them in that moment, just give them all the love that you can, while you can.

It bears mentioning, that it's also not any one person's responsibility to hold another up. You will eventually get weakened from that too.

The tragedy at large in this world gets its claws deeper into some than others. It's not anybody's fault.

Writing this has helped me. For now, I'm sufficiently distracted. I feel some relief.

If you are someone who has lost a loved one to suicide.

I'm so sorry that you have had that devastating experience. Don't ever take it personally.

It is a constant looming beast on our shoulders.

Sometimes people get overpowered and can't pick themselves back up again. They love you.

To anyone else who knows this beast by name,

You truly are stronger every time you make it through. You are a champion for not only yourself but for everyone who finds themselves on the edge. If I can do it, so can you. Never stop, continue to pull yourself through the pain. Each time you put one foot in front of the other, you help to pave a path down from the cliff. I love you.

A list of resources can be found on the website www.opencounseling.com . There are always people available to listen. Thank you for listening.