Sharing My Experience

As a 19-year-old, I may not have as many stories as others sharing about their mental health. Unfortunately, my trauma started early, so early that I'm not even really sure when it started.

So far, I have been diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, and PTSD. I struggle with self-harm, although not nearly as much as I used to. I have an undiagnosed eating disorder that those closest to me have noticed. I also match many of the symptoms of BPD, but I'm not a medical professional so I could be wrong.

I plan on using this space as a way to vent about things currently happening in my life and also as a way to hopefully help process past traumas. I also want to put my message out into the world so others struggling will know they aren't so alone.

It's impossible to talk about my own life without mentioning others, so I will be changing all of their names to protect their privacy.

Now for a little bit of background. I grew up in rural Missouri, but I'm pretty open-minded. I've technically had three fathers throughout the course of my life (something I will definitely get into at a later point). My mom also struggles with mental health issues, including depression and PTSD. I have a little sister. I never really had friends growing up. I've always been pretty smart according to public school standards, but now I'm struggling academically in college. I have a pet cat named Memzie, who lives in my tiny, overpriced apartment with my boyfriend and me.

I know that if I'm reading something and a pet is mentioned, I immediately want to know more about the pet. So now is the time for a quick chat about Memzie. She, like most cats, is an absolute crackhead half the time. She loves boxes to the point of immediately trying to squish herself into them even if it's much too small for her to do so. She also loves to play with plastic bags. She has actual toys to play with but often chooses some random object on the floor instead. She meows very loudly every time we grab a bag from the cabinet because she thinks it's her treats. She also meows loudly at the front door for 20+ minutes around midnight because she wants to go on a walk. She's climbed to the top of a door organizer multiple times. She's also a very loving cat when she feels like it. She'll wake me up pretty much every night because she wants me to pet her. She purrs loudly. She'll sometimes choose to lay in my lap or curl up next to me for a bit. Needless to say, despite her slightly annoying shenanigans sometimes, I absolutely adore her.

I don't really know who I am outside of objective things (for example, I'm pansexual). I have no idea what my personality is. I guess I'm kinda smart (I'm majoring in microbiology with an emphasis in genetics) but I feel like an idiot constantly.

My boyfriend is the most supportive and understanding person I've ever met. I can talk to him about anything and everything and he won't judge me for it. And it's easy to fight off the thoughts telling me I shouldn't trust him because of how trustworthy he is. He sees me as this amazing, smart, funny person and it actually makes me sad that I can't see myself the same way.

I currently don't have a job because college is taking up around 85% of my time. Most of that time is spent studying for a single class, botany. That class causes me so much stress. There's so much vocab every single chapter that I have to memorize as well as how everything in the chapter fits together. As someone who's never had to study before now, it's hard. I'm getting a lot better at it over the semester.

So, as I said before, I'll be using this space to talk about my struggles. When I do, they will most likely be much longer than this. I just wanted to get a little bit of an introduction out there before I started delving into more serious topics.