Self harm recovery

Before I begin, I would like to note that I am in recovery and this is not promoting self harm in any way, shape or form. This is purely to document my recovery and to spread awareness that it’s okay to not okay. Reaching out for help could be the best thing you could ever do. Always talk to someone when you feel shit about yourself, whether that be a friend or a family member, a teacher or your GP. Just anyone you trust. Don’t suffer in silence.

Self harm is so misunderstood and most often it is considered attention seeking when in reality it is a way people express difficult emotions when they’re finding it hard to cope. It is such a complex thing. It could be a result of stress, anxiety or an underlying mental health issue that is yet to be treated such as depression.

People self harm for different reasons. For example:

•Having difficult relationships with friends or family or partners

•Difficulties at school or work

•Worries about money

•Traumatic experiences such as sexual, emotional or physical abuse

•Dealing with your sexuality

•Having a miscarriage

•To deal with the loss of a close family member or friend

•Alcohol or drug misuse

•Coping with cultural expectations such as an arranged marriage

I started self harming when I was 16. I had just finished school and I was struggling immensely with not knowing who to turn to. With not feeling good enough. Feeling like a failure. Having panic attacks daily, multiple times a day and being completely drained mentally. I pushed myself to the max when it came to revision and I didn’t know how to cope. I don’t know why I felt so low about myself but all I know was that I didn’t know how else to cope. Everyone saw how much I was struggling yet I went months without getting any professional support. It shouldn’t have come to the point of me hurting myself where I finally got the help and support I needed. No one should have to reach rock bottom in order to get help. If those around me caught on and referred me to professionals sooner maybe I wouldn’t have started harming myself and maybe I’d have the skills I needed to prevent permanent harm to my body.

I found my person who I told decided to tell everything to and if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have been referred to CAMHS. I never would have got to where I am today. But then I lost her and went down a route of a whole new lot of problems.

Using my experience, here are some things I wish people understood about self harm.

1) Like smoking or drinking, self harm is addictive and it is something that is difficult to stop once you start. And once you make that first cut, you tell yourself that it’s just a one time thing and that you are in control but then you crave the temporary relief it gives you and that’s why you keep on doing it. You become addicted to the release it gives you. But this isn’t the only way you can cope. There are much healthier methods to cope with how you feel.

‘We all become addicted to something that takes the pain away’. Those who suffer with an addiction will get it and sadly “normal” people can’t possibly understand what an unhealthy addiction is like until they begin to struggle themselves. Person experiences bring people together. Remember that everyone goes through a silent battle that no one knows about so be kind. That kid you called fat. They could later develop an eating disorder. The one who barely speaks? She has trust issues and anxiety. Your words hurt. Whether you realise or not, your words could have a large impact on someone’s mental health.

2) It takes a lot of courage to talk about and most people struggle to open up about their darkest thoughts and feelings. They feel embarrassed to feel a certain way. Even the little things could cause them distress and they feel silly talking about something so small. However, if it interferes with the way you live your life then it is valid. There is no problem too small. Let your voice be heard and let your voice be the light to guide someone else through the darkness. It I should nothing to be ashamed of.

Sadly, the stigma around self harm continues to grow which is why it is impossible to talk about to encourage others to speak out about their struggles. It is important to tell someone if you feel a certain way which causes you to cause harm to yourself. You. Yes you reading this right now. You don’t deserve to feel this pain and I pray that you will read this and choose not to go down the path I went down. Don’t let your thoughts turn into actions. Don’t let your thoughts turn into an addiction. You are worth everything whether you believe me or not and you have yet to find your purpose in this world. Trust me you have one. Everyone has a purpose. Take your hand and place it on your chest. Do you feel that? That is your purpose. Your heart works day in and day out, pumping blood around your body to keep you alive. Life is so beautiful once you block out the darkness. Yes, it can be cruel. Yes, there are the lows and the ugly parts to life but there is so much more to life than your tears. 5 years from now, you could be exactly where you want to be. 10 years from now, you could be happy, living your best life with the love of your life. 20 years from now, you will look back on these times and think “wow! I am so glad I kept going” because the truth is: life is tough but so are you. And everything you go through makes you stronger and helps you help someone else. You could be the reason why someone else chose to keep going. Every battle can be won if given the correct tactics and skills. It takes patience and it takes great strength but you need to prove those who broke you that you are not weak. Don’t give anyone the power to break you. Acceptance and overcoming is the way to go. Rise above from your struggles. It is easier said than done but it is possible and you are very much capable.

3) It is not a phase. It is not something you will grow out of, it is not attention seeking and it is not something to take lightly. Self harm is a serious symptom of an undiagnosed mental disorder and if you are self harming, it is not normal and you deserve the help you need to recover. Depression is not a phase. It takes months and months of therapy to work through the reasons why you self harm and to learn the proper skills to cope in a safe way. It cannot be stopped overnight. It takes months to truly want to recover and to effectively use DBT skills because you take comfort in hurting yourself which is sad but true. We are not crazy for hurting ourselves. We are in pain and this is the only thing that gives us relief but that doesn’t mean we are unloveable.

Some people find it hard to talk about why they self harm which leads people to believe that it is an attention seeking behaviour. You couldn’t be further from the truth. Sure, some people do it for attention but that just means they are very ill with their mental health and never got the love and attention from friends and family while growing up. Every experience is a factor towards why someone may be self harming. It’s just about digging down to the route of the problem and working through them with a professional to help you have a better quality of life that doesn’t require you having you harm yourself.

Many people hide away and keep self harm a secret. They avoid talking about it because talking seems to hard.

Another thing, normalising self harm is not okay. It is damaging and dangerous and can lead to infections. You could kill yourself or cause permanent damage that cannot be undone.

4) Not everyone who self harms is suicidal. This is a mistake many people make. They assume that individuals who engage in self harm behaviours want to die. However some just do it for the release and don’t intend to take their life. They just want help but have no idea how else to cope. However, although there is evidence that suggests not everyone who self harms is suicidal, suicide could be an option if the behaviour continues. There is always the risk of going to far and accidentally causing life- threatening injuries to yourself. There is no way to self harm safely as all self harm is serious. No matter if it’s superficial or much deeper, it is serious and still very much valid. The minute you tell yourself that “it’s not good enough” is the moment you fight for validation by going deeper and you don’t deserve that. Get the help. Get the support. Keep going my loves because you are worth it and your life matters. Put the blade down. Put the pills down. You’ve got this I promise you. Life will get better and you will feel better if you just hold on and keep going. There is excitement and great happiness waiting for you in the future and you need to be here to see it. You are worth more than the pain you cause to yourself. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself to a bath bomb or a face mask. Pamper yourself. Self care not self harm. You are loved.

5) Men self harm too. Men feel low. Men can have depression. Men struggle too. It is not only females who suffer. Because of the stereotypes that men are strong and musculine, those who go through tough times often stay silent. People assume that men are weak if they experience sadness but that is not true. It is brave for anyone to reach out and especially more important for men to speak out about their struggles because the number of men experiencing mental health problems is unknown due to the large stigma around mental health. I will say this once. Mental health doesn’t have a gender. Nor is it a matter of who is ill enough. Whether you have had 0 hospital admissions or 50, you matter and you are still valid.

It I should important to remember that men suffer too. Men can be affected by traumatic experiences just as much as women. Let’s stray away from the phrase “man up” and start taking notice that men struggle to and it is important for them to speak up rather than hide away and suffer in silence.

6) Relapse does not erase your successes. Relapse is a part of recovery and you’re not going to recover over night. You are going to have set backs and that is absolutely okay. Just because you gave in to urges today, there’s always tomorrow to pick yourself up and try again. Recovery is not linear. There is no need to beat yourself up over struggling with your mental health. You are not a failure. You are doing your best and that is all you can do. You’re best is always good enough. Acceptance is key to getting back on the road to recovery. Reach out for support and try again. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s okay. Relapses happen. But remember recovery will bring you more happiness than your mental illness ever will.