Searching

Aren't we all searching for something?

Personally, I have always been searching for something. Whether it was good grades, solid friends, or the perfect career, my eyes have always been set on the next ‘thing’. That mindset hasn’t always had a negative impact though. Sometimes it allows me to set bigger goals and to be a kick butt planner. Constantly looking forward also (at times) helps me forget parts of the past that I’m either not proud of, or that I wish I could do differently. Searching for what comes next can be positive, but it can also be detrimental to the times when I just want to relax and enjoy the present.

In recent months, I've been trying to figure out how I can stop searching and start appreciating life in the present moment. Looking back at my life so far, I feel as though I haven't fully appreciated moments when I was in them.

I think back to being a kid on a warm spring day. You know, that first day in spring where you can go outside without a jacket and you can be barefoot in the grass? I remember playing outside with my brother on this little wooden swing that hung from a tree in our backyard. It’s moments like that...those are the moments that are absolute magic. And now looking back, I didn’t appreciate those days nearly as much as I wish I did. When I was on that swing, laughing with my brother, I was thinking about how much fun I was having but I was also thinking about school the next day. I was thinking about when I’d see my best friend next. I was thinking about what my mom would be making for dinner.

Will we as humans ever be able to FULLY live in the moment and appreciate the moments we are in? We never seem to know how special those moments are at the time, and that *bothers* the daylight out of me. Now at 26 years old I'm realizing that if I don't start to change that mindset soon, more of my life will pass by without being appreciated to the fullest extent. And I'll never stop searching for what's next.

As someone who has always suffered from some pretty high anxiety, the fear of the unknown is what really drives me to plan ahead and look forward. I'm the person who watches the same TV shows over and over again because it calms me down to know the ending and to not have to worry. If only real life worked that way! So how can I accept the unknown and not let it bother me?

I have NO CLUE. You guys, this is the problem I'm trying to solve and it’s a tough one. I feel like if I could just know what's coming next, then I could chill tf out and appreciate my current situation.

But knowing the future is obviously not an option.

So instead of hunting for a crystal ball and a fortune teller, I'm trying to push myself to get out of my comfort zone. I'm trying to make plans with friends more often so I don't let time go to waste. I'm trying to keep my mind and body healthy with a solid diet and regular exercise so I can do more. I'm trying to get my anxiety under control so I can actually enjoy what life has to offer. And even with all of those things, I still find myself sitting here thinking, "Wow, that was a great night around the bonfire with friends, but I feel like I should've appreciated it more."

HOW NUTS IS THAT.

So maybe the answer isn't to stop searching and looking forward altogether.

Maybe I need to be content with the fact that I may never be able to fully appreciate every moment life has to offer, and maybe that is a good thing?

Maybe it's alright to have days where you feel like you should/could be doing more because that's what actually inspires you to pursue not just good but great moments?

Maybe.