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but not shattered

By Perplexed PondererPublished 2 years ago 4 min read
Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

The hardest part when feeling the urge to write is the actual writing part. The desire is there, the need is present, but sometimes the brain is slow to spit out the right words. Correction, any words at all that make sense. This probably explains why many of my intros are so terrible because it’s like an old engine that needs a second to get going. I’m not sure where I want this piece to go, hence the title.

Lately, I’ve been filled with overwhelming sense of optimism. Like something gigantic is waiting just beyond my grasp and it’s going to be so massive that I won’t even be able to fathom all of the glory it will bring forth. I can honestly say that at this point in my life, all that I am sure of are the things I dislike and what I don’t want to be doing for the rest of my life. I recently discovered that I’m happiest when left to my own accord and allowed to ponder the depths of my reality and then explore well beyond what I can imagine. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing, where I’m supposed to be, who’s supposed to be with me, or what I’m waiting for. I just know that there’s a reality where I have all that I can dream of and then some. My natural curiosity for the next phase of life always keeps me so bent on understanding the future and that always cripples my present. Somehow, along the journey, I’ve been able to switch that around and find myself focusing solely on the now and letting the rest unfold as it may because I understand that fate is beyond my control.

I truly believe I’m better for it. Letting go of things I can’t control and maximizing my efforts within things I can tangibly approach. The only thing that makes sense these days is that my struggle won’t be permanent. There’s a growing optimism that something miraculous and life changing will occur and I have no reason to doubt it because it’s a foreign feeling. This calmness I feel within my soul isn’t one that I am too acquainted with. There’s this voice in the back of my head that just keeps whispering to keep going, keep grinding. I honestly don’t know what I should be looking for, or expecting, but my name will be widely recognize. That is something that I can almost guarantee.

I’ve never known what my calling would be. I’m aware of the things that I’m good or great in, but it has never materialized into something fruitful beyond average means. One thing I’ve always been certain is this: when I’m having a great time, doing whatever it is I enjoy the most, others benefit from my vibe and energy almost as if they’re in my shoes. I read something on Instagram the other day that was so accurate that it caused me to stop all activities and just meditate for a second. The post was referencing self-awareness and understanding how your aura and vibe can be intoxicating and it’s up to me to understand the effect it can have on others and not allow them to abuse that feeling. Take responsibility and save others from you even before they realize they are using you to feel better. It immediately took me back to another piece I created years ago about understanding the way people feed off my energy and how to identify when someone is using me for that feeling they can’t organically manufacture. That epiphany helped me to recognize manipulation in a new form. One that I didn’t believe would be used against me, only to discover that I had long been enabling such behavior,

My most recent struggle is not a new one. It’s a familiar foe. It’s about understanding the power that I have. I used to believe that it was cocky to believe that I was providing something to others they couldn’t obtain elsewhere. In a way, that mindset kept me so grounded that I no longer even recognized the very reason as to why I was grounding myself. Imagine an eagle feeling ashamed to soar high above the clouds for fear of insulting the crows, almost to the very point that the eagle has forgotten how to even soar to that altitude. In this analogy, the eagle has created a cell to make the crows and pigeons feel special in the eagle’s presence. You can see all the inspirational quotes and pictures in the world, but if you continuously shrink yourself, the damage can become part of your identity. Part of my transformation has involved the understanding that my growth is continuous, and that I will not be suitable for everyone. I’m at a point in life where I can accept that without hesitation. I’ve decided that I would feel much better about living my life I’m destined to as opposed to the way that makes other feel more adequate at my expense.

Never delay your ascension.


About the Creator

Perplexed Ponderer

One soul. 2 personas. A constant battle wages to ensure both have their moment in the sun. Calculated and rational versus bold and brazen.

The pieces presented will illustrate them both, I'll let you determine which one you think it is.


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