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by Maria Paolini-Covarrubia 4 years ago in selfcare
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This is already proving to be a really hard thing to write but it has to be done sooner or later. When I say 'scars' I mean both emotional and physical. We all have them, not to the same extents, but no human is complete without having scars.

I first started self harming in year 8 (reasons I will talk about in another post) and it progressed over the next 5 years. I have a lot of scars some more visible than others but they are there and I've learnt to love them. As one of my favourite bands say "our scars remind us that the past is real" this is exactly how I feel now. Obviously I haven't always felt that way, I used to be ashamed of them, a lot of people asked why I wear so many bracelets.. Now you know. Yes now I wear my bracelets for sentimental value but before they were to cover up things I didn't want anyone else to see. Here's the thing, I don't regret anything I've done. At the time it was my way of being in control and it actually made me feel better, I never did it as a means to end my life. Nowadays I turn to my friends and I also turn to shopping which I admit is a huge problem but it's much healthier. I think what really helped me stop was my mother finding out. The look on her face when she saw my scars and her tears broke my heart into a million pieces. I remember both of us sitting on the floor in my room both crying and at that point I promised myself that I would never make her feel that way again, I could not believe how selfish I was being. I am proud to say now that I have kept that promise. Physical scars don't heal but you can learn and grow from them and also learn to love them. I'm not proud of my scars but they are a part of me and there is nothing I can do but accept them and move on.

Despite scars never healing, I have learnt that emotional scars are very very different. Like every other human being on this planet we've all been hurt by something or someone leaving us broken inside. I know this experience all too well but I am here to tell you that these scars can heal. Obviously not instantly and not easily but it is possible. I have trusted people I shouldn't have and been mislead a lot but here I am alive. I've said in an earlier post that at one point in my life my best friend and I really weren't okay, we were both involved with our own problems and just forgot how much we actually needed each other genuinely broke me. We've all lost a best friend at one point but he was my everything, my partner in crime. It took me 2 years to fully open up to him so just imagine how alone I felt when we stopped talking. There was no way I could open up that way to someone else. Until I met my now ex boyfriend, 2 weeks was all it took for me to know I could trust him with my life. Within 2 months (quote Cathy Earnshaw) he was more myself than I was. Now yeah you're thinking 'but you guys broke up', we didn't break up for lack of feelings but more the fact it was just too difficult to stay together. I still trust him with my life. Obviously after the break up a part of me broke down but that's when I met OscarP I opened up to him emotionally within a week of being friends and he was so accepting, we were best friends from that moment on. Again, that closeness didn't last but then I made new friends and the cycle goes on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that once you know how to open up to someone life gets easier, I know those emotional scars have healed just cause of my experience of always always always having someone there.

Something that's been keeping me going for the last year or so is my mum. Her support and love is something I've learnt that I need to have just to be able to breathe. I tell her everything just cause in the past secrets have broken our friendship. She is more than just my mum now she is my saviour, my hero. Without her motherly love who knows if id still be in that pit of self harm.


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Maria Paolini-Covarrubia

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