Safety

I was in therapy today and I learned that growing up, my parents did a really good job of making me feel physically safe, but not emotionally safe. What wrecked me when I learned this was that my parents would actually say that they did a really good job of raising me. They put food on the table, clothed me, made sure I didn't get raped by minimizing how much I went out, put a roof over my head... Some people would classify this as the bare minimum. My parents would strongly disagree. These are things you're supposed to do as a parent. That comes with the job. But what my parents didn't know was that my emotional safety was just as important as my physical safety.

When I look at it from their perspective, I see these 3 things:

1. They are immigrants who had to learn to survive PHYSICALLY in a new country. I can't imagine the stress they went through coming to America. Learning a new language, culture, mannerisms; everything was foreign. They didn't feel physically safe when they first came here. Some part of me wonders if that's still true.

2. Their emotions were not considered or looked after when they were growing up. My mom was verbally and emotionally abused growing up. My mom's side of the family communicates by yelling at each other no matter the subject. My dad lost his dad when he was 9 and his mom became mentally ill because of the trauma of losing her husband. He came to America not long after his father's death and was relied on to be the man of the house at a very young age. His older brother bailed when they first came to America and my dad became the man of the house (he's the youngest out of 5). Talk about responsibility! So no. My parents don't understand the concept of emotional safety.

3. In their minds, as long as you're physically safe, then you're safe. That's the only kind of safety that exists. As immigrants, your mindset shifts to survival because you're starting over. Everything else goes out the window except for your need to become physically safe. Everything else is secondary or never considered as an option. I can hear it in their heads: "Your only mission should you choose to accept it: SURVIVE." It's so engrained in them and trauma is passed on from generation to generation. Of course I was conditioned to learn that as long as I was physically safe, then that was all I needed.

I could sit here and blame my parents for how much they messed me up. Did they do their best? I think so. Did they hurt me in doing their best? Yes. I learned that 2 things can be true. They did their best AND they hurt me. My parents were emotionally abusive not because they wanted to be, but because they didn't know any better. I'm not here to excuse their behavior. They've done some pretty terrible things to me to mess me up emotionally and mentally. But the phrase that just keeps coming back to my mind is: "they did their best". I've wrestled with this for so long only because they failed to meet my expectations as parents. When they should have nurtured me, they called me emotional and immature. When they should have let me emote safely, they told me to suck it up and stop acting like a baby. When they should have taught me to be fearless and have courage, they dumped their fears onto me and made me hold their emotional trauma. When they should have looked out for my emotions, they instead treated me like their emotional support animal. When they should have listened to my beliefs, they judged me and called me a disappointment. When they should have protected me, they didn't. When they should have apologized for not emoting well, they always found a way to blame me for their faults. When they should have allowed me to process my feelings in a safe space, they shut down me down by saying "When I was your age, I went through so much worse" as if my emotions weren't valid. My parents were and are the most dangerous people to me when it comes to my emotional wellbeing.

Though this was my reality for a majority of my life, it's not my reality anymore. I wish I could go back in time and tell little Jess that she ends up finding an incredible husband who makes her feel physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually safe. I wish I could tell little Jess that she survives her parents and finds freedom. I wish I could tell little Jess that taking care of her parents' emotions should have never been her job. I wish I could tell little Jess that her anxiety and fears will be dealt with so that they don't end up controlling her. I wish I could tell little Jess that she'll be okay. Not sure that she would believe me, but I wish I could tell her.

Dear little Jess,

I'm not even sure you'll get this, but I wanted to tell you some things. It's 2022 now and you've gone through a lot. The things I'm going to tell you may not make sense now, but they will later. Trust me.

I know you think you know what trust means, especially since mom and dad have convinced you that they are the only ones you can trust. But I want you to know that at some point, you're going to meet a guy who loves you for you who will always make you feeling physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually safe. Mom and Dad will never approve of him, but don't listen to them. He's the best guy. He's nothing like mom and dad. He's better, much better. I want you to know that you will survive being mom and dad's daughter and find true freedom. I want you to know that it's not your job to take care of mom and dad's emotions. You'll realize later on that they depended on you for emotional support and that was never your job. I'm sorry they put that burden on you... I want you to know that your anxiety and fears will be dealt with so that they don't end up controlling you. Most of all, I want you to know that you're going to be okay. Your life is going to look nothing like what your life looks like now. You're going to work really hard in the future to work through all this crap and that's okay. It'll be worth it. Everything will be different, but in the best way possible. Little Jess, you are not a disappointment. You are not a failure. You are not a mistake. You are loved, cherished, intelligent, chosen, beautiful, seen, validated, priceless and treasured.

- Adult Jess