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Run for your life !

fighting for my spot!!

By Laceyahodges SlaydenPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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Run for your life !
Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash

Start writing... I'm fighting everyday to stay in the present and not go back to who I was in the past. I always say I had it easier as a criminal and a junkie.

Funny thing is I used to dream of being sober and "normal". What is normal? The dream white picket fence home a great job some kids?

Let us take a minute to look in the past. Wet sheets sweat soaked my body aching so terrible I want to die. Dying would be easier my desperation grows stronger ever second. My mind overwhelmed thinking of how to get more. I need more to feel better now my stomach is turning in knots . My legs are cramping I cant be still. I quickly formulate different plans to make this go away.

My soulmate in the same shape as me, oh how I wish I could take the pain away instantly. We get in the car desperate, shaking, sweating until our clothes are drenched. We go to a store steal items to sell half price to a dealer. Adrenaline helps the pain for a second. Then we get our prize. We don't leave, we sit in the same spot cook it down and then. The warmth is like a huge from an angel . We get instant relief oh its amazing. We are already planning our next fix.

We should learn by now we are paying for our own sickness. We could die anytime , we dont care. Our once strong love is diminished because our drug replaces all things. We wake up in hell pure hell everyday just to get a fix. I want to be sober so badly I crave it. But I'm scared I don't know life without drugs.

As a kid I wanted to be a vet, I wanted to help animals. I never dreamed of being a total loser, family disappointment. I had no more soul it seemed every single minute of my life was ruled by drugs. How such a small thing could make you so powerless its unreal. I've lost so many people who didn't get out.

From being homeless sleeping in drug houses infested with bed bugs to jail. I thank God for jail it actually helped. I got sober but that's not it ,not a magical cure. I fight every single day to stay sober. For those who say its a decision and not a disease really has no idea. No one wishes to be an addict . You see it starts out fun then grabs you and takes you for everything you got.

Warm breeze and a smell of honey suckle in the air. I feel my shoes slightly damp by the dew on the ground. Im walking to get drugs. I need them so bad my skin is crawling instead of enjoying my summer im waiting on relief. I get to the dealer anxious and not wanting to deal with the small talk . I mean come on drug dealers do not care about you , they feed off your addiction.

I cant wait I go to the bathroom cook it down and...... there it goes that warm fuzzy whole body feels great im happy. I feel like I can rule the world . I want to feel like this forever. I'm walking back already thinking of my next score. What will I steal ? I contact someone with a car another addict promise them some drugs. Im calling all my dealers to see what they want half price?

The dealers place their orders one wants a drill kit , another a survalince system, another clothes for their kids. Here we go to another store. We are hot they know what we are doing. We do not care we need our soul which at the time was drugs. Secret booster hack we would put stuff in a metal trash can which then the alarms wouldn't go off . First stop drill kit we go in grab it place it in the metal trash can , if self check out was available we would purchase the trash can. I would usually be somewhere else while my soulmate was stealing, I was looking super suspect to keep the heat from him .

Adrenaline rush like no other! Knowing getting caught it somewhat silly. Why can't we just keep a job . Oh yea there's that being sick like death thing. If you want to hear more like jail and how it was getting sober let me know!

addiction
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