Refusing the Dreamscape Part 2

So these episodes go on for years, the hypnagogic hallucinations, the intense sleep paralysis and that sense that I was being coerced into a state that did not feel right-I fought that immediately every time.

I didn't anything to isolate my consciousness, for lack of a better term-my being, my essence, my spirit, my soul, the totality of the life force whatever you want to call it.

My dreams were still very intense-life-like, sometimes it seemed they would last the entire night. For a a few months I experienced a continuous stream of consciousness, to the point where I wasn't sure if I had dreamt something or it happened in 3D. Linear and non-linear were sometimes fusing or crossing paths at least.

By my late teens, when the continuous stream was happening, I had picked up a pretty nasty alcohol habit-hard liquor. So my dreams were really explosive and frightening, I'd almost be afraid to go to sleep.

I was still on the Imipramine, still experiencing all kinds of different dream states.

At age 23 I had pretty much quit alcohol from how much I had been drinking because by 21 I abruptly stopped hard liquor. My body one day just said "That's it. No more of that."And that was that.

However I still drank wine and then later, only beer.

I think I was 22 or 23 when I was taken off of Imipramine and put on a new drug that had come out and that was Prozac. Prozac worked for a few years but it made me kinda bounce off the walls.

And even though I was on off Imipramine, I still had sleep paralysis and wildly intense dreams and that sensation of being prompted to enter into an artificial state.

For a bit there was went through a spell where I was having these amazing almost lucid flying dreams. It was as if I were practicing how to do it on my own command.

That I would be in a situation where my fleeing by jumping up and catching the "wave" or "drift" and start flying was bizarre and nothing could get to me, they'd appear baffled on the ground. Several times I recall being chased in a dream and getting away by jumping, hovering and flying. And having these exhilarating flying dreams where I'm up as high or as low as I pleased.

Anyhow I also was still having intense sleep paralysis and hypnagogic hallucinations. I never really had them upon waking-hypnopompic hallucinations-maybe a couple times. Almost always when going to sleep. I started having night terrors little by little again-things that would bring that on were intense stress, worry, drug abuse-

I got introduced to crystal meth when I was 22 and found that it helped me focus and concentrate but it also was hard to moderate. So of course I'd always do too much. What actually drives people to madness faster is not so much the drug itself(don't get me fucked up though, it does do a lot of damage by itself) but the lack of sleep coupled with a steadily decreasing nutrition in the diet is inviting some sort of major breakdown mentally if not physically.

I would use that drug as often as I could find it which fortunately, was not often. I eventually got to the point of saturation with it and whenever I've tried to use it since 2006-I would go right out, like a light. Boom, asleep. It didn't work anymore. But thank God for that.

I have dabbled with other hard drugs-coke didn't do much for me at all, I tried heroin one time-one time was all that took. Scared the living shit out of me, really screwed with my internal thermostat, I had double vision and vertigo real bad-I thought I was going to wake up dead the next morning. Never fucked with it again.

Never liked or did pills at all. I've seen people whacked out on benzos. Benzos should be class one controlled substance-by the looks of it. But then I think that most psychiatric drugs are dangerous. But I digress.

I was switched to effexor and got treatment for ADHD with dexedrine around 1998-99 but I was still having these dream related experiences. The sleep paralysis got really bad and the night terrors crept in more and more.

I stopped taking the effexor and dexedrine by 2008 almost 2009 but doing that did not phase the sleep paralysis. Which by convolution in explanation had devolved into somewhat of an inside joke between my girlfriend and I "yeah, maybe you're (still) being abducted by aliens, they're just knocking you out a little harder so you don't fight it."

Ha ha very funny honey.

I stopped having the sleep paralysis, once in a great while I still will if I'm super stressed out or have an unresolved issue that I can't wrangle. I'm more inclined to have night terrors than sleep paralysis anymore. I have the occasional screaming night terror if I'm not sleeping well or enough too.

But around 2012 I started to experience something new altogether. When something would strike me funny I'd laugh and fall to the floor-not because it was so funny but something in my breathing and not hyperventilation. I would just crumple to the floor immediately as if I fainted but I'm conscious the whole time.

I also around that time was having dizzy spells that I attributed to low blood sugar but I don't think they were those though. I've had blood sugar drops, severe ones and they feel different than the dizzy spells. I don't know what they were but they felt like an electrical/metabolic salt issue. Not salt intake in my diet but the salt that regulate a lot of processes in our bodies.

Or it's a blood pressure issue. I went to the emergency room once in 2014 for an unrelated issue and after taking my bp a couple of times they hurriedly hooked me up to an ekg machine and assessed me but everything checked out okay.

So this laughing and falling to the floor, conscious falling out thing happened intermittently for a few years but stopped maybe two or three years ago.

Just very recently I ran across something called cataplexy. So okay I know I'm self-diagnosing this but it fits the description exactly. And along with all the other sleep disorder experiences I've had, it makes total sense.

I'm not narcoleptic but I swear from puberty on up I always felt like I could just fall asleep at any moment(EDS). Always extremely tired. That's probably why I liked speed-it took that fatigue away.

So I know that I'll be getting a sleep study when I go to the doctor. I dread going to doctors. Not as much as I dread the dentist though.

To manage depression and adhd, I micro dose mushrooms and smoke weed. I feel tired a lot but I always feel tired whether I'm smoke a lot of weed or not.

I still don't know how to explain that weird dream state. I've heard a few people talk about what's called a dreamscape.

Apparently it's a dream state that people feel as though they are put into or inserted into for the purpose of one on one combat training, among other things.

I don't know if such a place really exists, my guess is that it probably does. I've had enough dreams, read enough accounts, been interested in the paranormal and delved into "conspiracy" theories long enough to question the validity of this being our one and only existence of pure accidental chance-something I've never believed anyway.

Entropy is depressing, surely scientists are missing the flip side, called negentropy.

It seems as though science deals only with the spectrum of things but everything comes and goes full circle. Nothing is merely on any spectrum, it's part of the whole pie. Our visual acuity is limited to a small range or spectrum of light. Current scientific understanding is like our visual acuity-limited and incomplete.

But really the answers to all anyone ever asks are already within each and every one of us. Mostly obscured from view and covered over by our conditioning that only external validation is important, internal processes-mental, emotional, spiritual processes within us are not counted as anything or even acknowledged. But the answers are there. How else could we know something yet not know it?

I'm putting this all together, probably will never unravel all the things down in that rabbit hole but I won't stop trying to figure it out.

Thank you for taking the time to read this