reflections on sobriety

I haven't had alcoholic beverages on my lips in more than three years. With the exception of my nightmares, I still have alcohol-related dreams occasionally tricking me into drinking, sometimes drinking on purpose.

I sometimes get the urge to indulge in fine honey liqueur, sip cold cider on a hot day, or down a few shots of tequila to get that special buzz that only tequila can give you while you're awake. Even mentioning the names of these alcoholic beverages in my writing is difficult for me. Throughout my sobriety journey, I've repressed some parts of my relationship with alcohol. I think this is why it shows up in my nightmares. The aspects of myself that sought out altered states of consciousness and other escapes from the reality I was experiencing at the time are still portions of me that I'm figuring out how to merge.

Many facets of my life "broke apart" as soon as I decided to stop drinking... Everything that wasn't any longer a part of my life path either drifted away or was torn from my firm grasp. It was a challenging moment.

The way we relate changed dramatically from how it had previously been. I had never experienced richness and purity as I did then.

Even while I've always felt my breakups quite profoundly as it is, a sober breakup following a sober love was intense like I'd never completely felt. But instead of letting it shatter me, I allowed it to split me open once more, deeper into a different layer of who I am.

I learned to love myself in ways I'd previously saved exclusively for another, and what I had thought of as self-love changed. I made progress in my awareness of the childhood and adolescent scars that had kept me imprisoned in codependency and were the source of my interpersonal discomfort. Relationships suffer when codependency is combined with extreme independence.

I veer in and out of what it means to be true to myself because I don't always select the straight and narrow. To be able to honor those around me, I've learned self-advocacy and what it is to honor oneself.

I understand that the usage of alcohol is one of the cruel and numbing tactics of the oppressed, and I myself will not support this practice of colonialism.

I am aware of my sobriety as a tool that helps me lead a life that is genuinely aligned and free. being free from the desire to self-soothe in harmful ways.

I am aware of the power that can be taken from me if I seclude my soul to the extent that drug misuse causes harm.

In choosing a style of living that not only allows for the preservation of my pure soul but also enables me to flourish in my natural condition, I can see the ways in which I have returned my power.

Relationships have altered. Social interaction has evolved. I am becoming more aware of what makes me feel at peace and what makes me anxious, and I am choosing myself and my immediate well-being more and more frequently, letting go of the urge to be liked, to fit in, or to be understood.

I occasionally get asked if I'll ever drink alcohol again, but I can't really say. All I know is that today, I've made the decision to abstain, and right now, that feels like the best course of action for me.

My goal for the world, for all of mankind, is that we each have the strength, wisdom, and resolve to make the best decisions for ourselves in each and every instant of our lives and that we acknowledge the energies of creation and destruction as instructors on this grand trip we call life.